Need a Little Help

[Gaining Strength]

Standing by you calling you by your name, not your condition!  Encouraging you and remembering that God chose you as His own!

Me, too... what Teartracks said. You are greatly loved.

I am in a place where I have never been before.  For the first time in my life I am able to take words like these to heart and feel truly lifted by them.  In my family there were NO words of encouragement and words about God's infinite goodness and though the words, "I love you" were bandied about, they were just words.  Actually that's it - the words, when right, were just words - no matching action.  Here I take your words and grow.  Thank you both - TT and Hope.

thanks for your thoughts October.  I think you have a very good point.  This healing goes to all aspects of life - music and relaxation along with avoiding stressors makes alot of sense.

Thanks you all for caring - Gaining Strength

[gratitude28]

Hi GS,
I am going through this now too. I was feeling very free of everything for a while, but I am back to feeling bitter and angry. I think it's time for us to stand back, review what is good in our lives and get off our pity potty, ya know????? I have just been so pissy lately, and it is clouding my enjoyment of life, which means I am letting them still affect me.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))
Like all in life, there will be good and bad... If every day were perfect, our lives would be boring.
Love, Beth

[October]

I have just been so pissy lately, and it is clouding my enjoyment of life, which means I am letting them still affect me.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))

It isn't always about blame, either of self for letting them, or them for affecting.  Sometimes being pissy is a sign of depression, which is not something that needs blame attaching.  Sorry if I sound picky, but if you look to the cure, rather than the source, then that might be kinder to yourself.  (Speaking as one who gets so pissy at times I could win medals for it.   )

[Certain Hope]

Look to the cure, rather than the source

This is quite cool, October 

and simple enough to stick in my swiss cheese brain!

Hope

[Gaining Strength]

I have had something of a break through. Saturday, I began trying some herbal remedies for my anxiety.  yesterday, I forced myself to do a few responsible things - making the beds, cleaning the kitchen, following through on a promised zoo trip even while the anxiety called to hide in a hole.  Then last night I awoke in the middle of the night with a calm sense that the paralysis that I wrote about weeks ago had begun to pass.  This morning I was much calmer and actually got some exercise in.  Then I called someone I am on a committee with who has not returned my phone call yet. In the past I would have just waited and stewed about why they didn't call.  I really believe that something good is happening, that this wretched block is breaking up.  I wanted to share it with someone who cares - my Voicelessness friends. 

I am calm and gentle about this change - in the past something good would trigger huge amounts of debilitating shame and anxiety.  That is how I got paralyzed.  Bad things would trigger rage and good things trigger shame and anxiety.  Now that's a trap.  That's the legacy of the sabotage and the double binds. 

How simple it is to say.  How strange that it has held such incredible power over my life.  I am so glad to let it go.  So eager to see what life holds for me in the future.  Thanks for being my friends.  Thanks for the place where we truly care about each other.  Thanks for the give and take community that mirrors what life can be.  I give thanks for this today.  - Your Friend - Gaining Strength

[pennyplant]

Very cool thing, GS.  Enjoy being you!

PP

[Brigid]

GS,
I'm glad you are feeling progress is being made as you experience less anxiety and more peace.  There can be such a sense of relief in knowing that those angry, painful, and anxiety-ridden times can come, but also GO--leaving us tired and shell-shocked, but more capable of picking up and moving on.

As I slowly make progress toward becoming resigned to my new empty nest and even finding some positive aspects to it, my anxiety is beginning to subside.  It helps to be able to identify the positive parts to the changes of our lives, and not be so overwhelmed by the negative.  But it's also OK to occasionally have that pity party until you just can't stand listening to yourself anymore and you're ready to kick some ass again.

I find that developing new routines which create positive energy and then sticking to them, really helps to calm the soul.  You seem to be doing a good job of that by doing needed housework, combined with relaxing visits to the zoo and exercise.  At the end of the day, you can look back and feel good about what you accomplished.

It really does help to talk these things through with your friends here.

Hugs,

Brigid

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))
I am so glad to hear you are feeling better. I am too, some, so maybe it was the moon????
Love and happiness to you today.
Beth

[Gaining Strength]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pennyplant, Brigid, Gratitude)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
That old wicked moon - causes the wolves to howl -------
chilling those bones.

[Hopalong]

GS!

Your message brought me so much joy and hope and
tremendous happiness for you.

You really do mean it when you say what a difference support has made to you.
And you are profoundly inspiring to me.

((((((((GS))))))))))

Wow. And thank you.

Hops

[Hopalong]

This is a letter in response to Cary Tennis' advice to another letterwriter today....the rest are interesting too...Hops
---------------
Not About 'Slow and Methodical', He is Mired in Indecision

This guys sounds just like I was a few months ago. He may describe himself as 'slow and methodical', as I would have at the time, but I'll bet my last dollar he's mired in anxiety and depression, or some combination thereof. Anxiety and depression can take many forms. For me, one of the biggest signs was a near complete inability to make any big decisions until pushed to the wall. One of my problems, trivial though it may seem, was that I could not clean up the disorganized mess in my house. I was embarrased to invite people over half the time. But I couldn't decided on the color to finish painting, which bookcase to install, if the coach would be better against the east wall or the west wall, or if I would regret throwing those catalogs out, 'cause I may want something from them.

Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore (there were other things going on as well) and I went to a psychologist and was prescribed an anti-depressant that works well with anxiety (Celexa). I felt better in about two weeks and in about two months, decision making became MUCH, MUCH easier. It's hard to describe, but it simply became very clear to me what things needed to be thrown out, what things could be sent to Goodwill, and what things needed to be tucked away.

Anyhow, before you make any big decisions of your own, consider the anxiety angle. I was not really depressed before I took the medication - I could laugh, joke around, and be happy - but anxiety was kind of an issue. I didn't even know it had paralyzed me so much. I wish I had taken the medicine much, much sooner. It makes me sad now to think how bad it had gotten.

Good luck to you both. :O)

-- Elle

[Gaining Strength]

Has anyone had the experience of dealing with issues of a lifetime one after another?  I started out here dealing with shame which morphed into the outcome of shame - anxiety.  I knew that there were many aspects of my shame and now I find I am going through them one at a time.  Today I am laid low processing abandonment.  I truly hope this is the worst.  It seems that it should be. I still have rejection, inadequacy, condemnation, and unreasonable expectations to go.  But I think abandoment will be the hardest - except maybe condemnation, because abandonment came when I was completely defenseless and dependent.  To be abandoned and to be reliving that is pain that I can barely tolerate.  If it weren't for the promise of healing I would not choose to go through it.

 I predicted this phase a couple of weeks ago. But it was when I posted something to October and that I realized what was going on.  Each phase feels like the last and so I feel stuck but then I read right here that Certain Hope says she can see my progress and I realize that I am moving along.  This morning I was not able to get up and get boy to school.  I was really paralyzed.  I prayed and prayed and found myself experiencing profound feelings of abandonment at age two.  I cannot describe how painful it is to reexperience this horror but I count on it being part of the process.  It is helpful to talk to my T but 50 minutes a week is so little time to deal with such deep pain.  I have known for many years that I needed someone to walk this path with me and encourage me.  I thought my husband would do that because we had such similar losses.  But I couldn't foresee that his abandonment had injured him too deeply.  Only after his death did I begin think that he had a personality disorder - BPD.  Had I known or thought that before he died I might have been able to adjust my responses to him.  I don't feel guilty because I couldn't have known.  But some of the things he did were even worse than what I experienced growing up and that was probably the thing that pushed me over the edge.  Instead of getting support, he resented any achievements I made and he completely denied my own expereince of growing up in my FOO.  He would belittle me complaints about my father's treatment and would turn what I had told him against me.  It was a very lonely betrayal.  But it helps me understand how I got in the position that I'm in.  This is very hard stuff to recover from.  It takes alot of courage, faith and encouragement.  I find such solace here just pouring out my sorrow.  It really helps writing about the loneliness, putting it on paper in a world where people understand.  There is a magic that takes place here -  people understand and that understanding lifts the burden.  That's why I write - it lifts my burden.  I am a little surprised at how much darkness there is in me.  I do truly hope to get near enough to the bottom to become functional in the next few weeks.  I have been working on this stuff for many years before I came here.  But this place helps so much because I can come as much as I need to. 

I just read somewhere that Moonlight used the word suffering.  And I wanted to use that word.  I am really suffereing today.  I started my antidepressants on Saturday but I am sinking quite low today - definitely depressed.  It is so wretched.  I do truly pray that I will get lifted out.  I could just stay in bed all day.  I will take a moment to be proud of myself for not giving up.  I have not given up that I am "going through" and not stuck.  It can be very hard to tell the difference but I think by "believing" that I am still going through keeps me going through.  This is what is so very difficult about the healing process.  It takes you through such dark places in order to get to the light.  This is why I could get to the point of not wanting to do more healing - the process is just so painful. 

I won't give up.  I want to get to the other side.  I believe.  I do believe.  I will continue to believe.  Today this place is my lifeline.  I think that I will stay connected today.

Has anyone else had the experience of healing one pain at a time?

[pennyplant]

Hi GS,

I too am having a very slow day.  Have spent a lot of time in bed.  Had very sad dreams about the passing of time.  I think I must be tapping into things that bother me and which I often repress or distract myself from.  But I don't do it systematically as you do.  It doesn't come one at a time or in any order or even come in a form I understand right off.  Really, I'm not a very disciplined person!!!  In fact, if I tried to do it one at a time or in some kind of order I would probably rebel and do nothing at all.  As a child I was very rigid.  I never rebelled in any obvious way.  I believe I either absorbed that from my parents or it was a defense I developed.  It does not appear to be part of my true nature, being orderly, obedient, concrete.

Not to say I think that is what you are doing.  I am amazed actually at your ability to identify your process in concrete terms.  It is no wonder you have made such progress since being here.  It seems like this place can boost whatever one's approach is.  Mine is quite different from yours, yet I have made great strides too since coming here in February.  The availability of this board, the freedom of expression, the anonymity, the participants who keep coming back again and again with honesty and real caring....these all contribute to why it works.

Well, this is quite a muddle.  GS, I guess I just wanted to say--you're not the only one who had trouble getting up today.  It is hard to go through instead of around.  But I feel that I'm closer to becoming my true self and getting closer to accepting who that will turn out to be.  So, perhaps I'm working on getting rid of shame, identifying emotions, and putting together the various aspects of me.  But not in any kind of order and apparently not one at a time.  But it is a style that seems to be bringing me forward.  It's messy sometimes.  But it feels like some kind of freedom to me.

Just a guess, but I think maybe your style feels like some kind of security to you.  And security, that you provide for yourself, is a good way to care for yourself.  You're taking good care of yourself.  Just my take on it--I might be totally out to lunch on that one.  Anyway, I'm learning from you just as others here are.  It seems there is mutuality here.  One of the things I always look for but don't always find.

You're right.  It does take courage to do this.  This is a most courageous group of people here.  I think that is kind of a rare thing in this world.

Keep going, GS.  It's going to be okay.

Love, Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Pennyplant-
When I have down days  - this kind of REALLy down.  I get so very discouraged.  It takes all I have to not feel helpless.  It is really something of a miracle for me to be able to come here - write something and get encouragement back.

A million and one thanks. - GS

[Brigid]

Hi GS,

Has anyone had the experience of dealing with issues of a lifetime one after another?

In my case it was dealing with one loss after another--all within a span of 3 years.  It was also changing every aspect of my life during that same time frame--having to reframe what my future would look like, what my family looked like, where I lived, who I lived with, how my children would have to deal with life, who my family and friends were, my social life--virtually nothing stayed the same.  So at some level I do understand how you feel.  I also understand that hopeless, helpless feeling that accompanies all the shifts and changes.  So much uncertainty, fear, lonliness, and wondering if it will ever be better.

For me, it most certainly did get better and in the total scheme of things, I have a much better life now than when I was married and thought I was secure.  There are a ton of trade-offs, to be sure, but if I really look at what I have now vs. what I had in my marriage, I have to admit that I am so much happier now.  It may not feel quite as secure as the marriage did (which, of course, was an illlusion, not reality), but it is happy, fun, passionate and romantic.

You are making good progress--I can read it in your posts.  There will always be setbacks, but you are in the abyss right now and can't see the clear, sparkling ocean that awaits you.  We're holding your hand and helping you through.  Hang in there kiddo.

Hugs,

Brigid