Women and finances after divorce

[movinon]

Write,

I have to agree with Brigid.  I loved my stbxh and he was WONDERFULLY helpful UNTIL I disconnected from him.  We did therapy, he sponsored people in 12-step, he was (is) very active in another men's program  Please BE CAREFUL.  What could it hurt to have a lawyer involved? 

On the financial - credit end of it, purchasing a vehicle is a great way to build up credit - as long as you can consistantly make the monthly payment.  When I was married the first time we put everything in my H's name and I had NO credit and it was not a good thing, nor was it easy.  If you do get a car or credit card, make sure you can make all payments ON TIME.  You don't want to mess up your credit score out of the get-go.

I know you probably won't like this, but I hear a lot of denial in your words here.

I've also done a lot of crazy stuff myself, too.  He is more decent than most on the topic of money though and I never knew him rip anyone off in all the years I have known him.  it's all separate now, I think we were really 'enmeshed' before, we all seem distinct now.

How are you 2 distinct?  Is it legal?  Are you just banking on him remianing "decent"?  What if he doesn't?  Where does that leave you and your son?

My ex and I had and "arrangement" that worked for 2 years as well.  Now that I am divorcing him...guess what.  That's right.  If I have something planned, I better darn well have a plan B b/c he might decide he has something better to do and will just not pick up his D. 

If he's that easy to work with, why are you divorcing him?

Movinon

[WRITE]

wow, that's facing me up with things M!

I don't mind though, I know sometimes I am rather naive.

Let me answer and see what you think.

What could it hurt to have a lawyer involved?

Isn't a court scenario a likely source of attention and acting out for an NPD?
Plus I have not known anyone have a lawyer involved where it didn't turn into a battle, whereas I have known several people who did their own divorce and it was ok.

I think it will hurt financially to pay a lawyer's fees, and I just am not someone who is prepared to depend on 'experts' any more. Every time I do I get ripped off or things don't pan out. How much could my ex hurt me financially anyway? We have no debts and already split our assets. I can keep myself and my son if necessary and go to court then if he stopped supporting us.

he was WONDERFULLY helpful UNTIL I disconnected from him.

I haven't disconnected from him. Just become his friend not his wife. I don't think he sees me as 'the enemy'.
 
How are you 2 distinct?  Is it legal?  Are you just banking on him remianing "decent"?  What if he doesn't?  Where does that leave you and your son?

I've just been married to him for 20 years, entirely legal, and much of the time he wasn't decent about the way he behaved. Being legally binding means very little and I have seen people flout court orders and get away with it. It's me who has to be assertive.

And I agree- if he won't co operate I am in a position of weakness but I felt like going to a lawyer from the get-go would have set that up anyway. At least over the 2.5 years we've been living apart we've grown closer, done therapy and got our family back on track.

If he stops paying maintenance and cooperating it won't be because he's worried about what anyone else tells him to do, it will be because he's upset and angry ( maybe as someone suggested if I got a new partner or he did ) but I'll have to work out how to deal with that then- I don't think you can guard against it especially with NPD where they do this switch/ regress thing and totally over react.

If he's that easy to work with, why are you divorcing him?

that's a complicated question, one I am still workign out myself as he grows more pleasant to be around. He just called and invited me to lunch as I type this!

Partially because I don't have sexual feelings for him or him for me- something we've never wanted to accept but is true, partially because we moved this far and it wouldn't be fair to our son to 'try again' with our track failure rate!

But mostly I am divorcing him because I don't want to be legally tied to someone else any more and I don't feel I need that or it's healthy for me to be 'taken care of' or to compromise, not if I want to fulfill the other parts of me which have been held back by being married and raising a child.

It's a work in progress though Movinon, and I am only just coming to this realisation that I am one of life's free spirits- stuff that works for other people doesn't match my bipolar brain for one thing. And I can do so much more than I once thought- I feel so much more able to acheive my goals.

I have done more creatively with my life despite all this illness and transition and difficulties over the past 4 years than I have done in the rest of my life- just because there was nothing to lose by doign it anyway.

I've changed and what I want for me has changed too I guess.
But I still love my family and want to do the best for them too.

I'm sorry your ex is being a jerk and hope some of his therapy etc will trigger his conscience or at least his intellect.
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[penelope]

hi write,

sounds like you've done a lot of the hard work, good job! 

Have you ordered a credit report and made sure there were no hidden joint accounts you've forgotten about?

We had a checking account at a Credit Union, and unbeknownst to me, he went and opened a line of credit as well.  Well, I kept noticing this on my credit report, as the amount he owed went up, I worried if he didn't pay it they'd come after me (he paid, but still it was a source of stress to keep seeing it there, knowing it was not mine).  I had to keep calling the Credit Union and writing him, asking him to completely close this account and open a new one as it was the only way to get my name off it.

Use should do this anyway - order a copy of your credit report to see what's on there.  1/4 people is a victim of identity theft these days, and the sooner you nip it in the bud the better. 

bean