Bean,
thank you. I remembered one such question today – a very innocent enquiry as to the date they got married (because I wanted to be like a ‘normal family’ and mark the occasion with a card) – and the answer I got was “why do you want to know?”. The full force of the downright rudeness, the incredible stupidity of that reply hit me today. Imagine saying that to your own daughter! Or step-daughter! I can’t imagine saying that to anyone. Incredible. Seeing things as they really are is mainly just shocking. That reply leaves me open-mouthed at just the raw…. aggression I guess. Aggression as defence – but defence for what reason? I don’t know. Obviously that date was a state secret! Honestly. You’d think I was spy in the house. Makes me wonder, sometimes. These things, with fresh eyes, they can catch you, as if they’ve happened in front of you, right now, to someone else. Anyway.
Perspective
But I think what makes it codepedent is when one has those traits in the extreme and loses perspective in oneself in relation to others.
I think when you lose perspective of yourself in relation to others, it can be labelled many things, it depends on the severity of the lack of perspective? Is perspective what we call ‘normal’? If we relate to others in extreme ways (“everybody hates me and will harm me” to “everybody loves me and will do what I want”), then we’re not seeing others as individuals. I guess we’re seeing others as our introjects?
How do we relate more realistically to other people (i.e. in the here and now and not in the past to those who did harm us)? I think one way is to concentrate on others as they really are, and not how we imagine them to be. To strip away our assumptions and projections and try to lose our blinkers.
When associating one's self-worth hinges on receiving the exclusive approval or disapproval of others or at least the interpretation of it, that is what makes one codepedent, IMO.
I agree. On the other hand, we all need a degree of validation of our existence, we can’t function entirely alone and without other humans.
What is self-worth? I question the ‘worth’ part. If you exist, you exist. No need to be ‘worthy’ of it. No need to prove your right to take up space on the planet. By being alive, you are a person. Not good, not bad, human.
My inability to disassociate my self-worth from the approval or lack thereof stifles my growth process on many levels. It leaves me feelings frustrated and breeds a perpetual sense of personal failure and self-doubt.
I wouldn’t disassociate your need for approval from the pleasure of receiving recognition and love. We all need some recognition and love. The problem is, to get recognition and love we need to give it and also expect to receive some pain too. Nothing ventured nothing gained sort of thing.
I hope I make some kind of sense. Many times, I feel my vision is distorted. My hope is to gain a clearer perspective of life, people and myself.
You make sense although I’m not sure my answers are answering you? I get the distinct feeling that you feel that there are people and there’s you, and that you are different to others. Underneath we tend to be very much the same. Discovering that brings us closer to others and closer to ourselves I think but it requires honesty and determination.
