Write:
Ever since I realized that my parents are Ns, I've been trying to read as much as I can about NPD - it was almost obsessive early on. It helped answer so many of my questions and put into perspective all of those bizarre moments of my childhood and years since then that I couldn't justify their behavior. I've also been doing a lot of writing - journaling, stream of consciousness - and at first it was really tough to have those realities on paper for me to read - completely unembellished. When you're the kid of an Nparent, you deny your reality and having my life as I now know it to have happened staring back at me in black and white has helped to reconcile the past.
I've also been crying - and allowing myself to experience those emotions freely. I couldn't stop at first, the smallest thing would set me off - like a song on the radio (not a huge Kelly Clarkson fan, but when a gf told me about "Because of You" and how it was about her parents dumping on her as a child, I get welled up inside everytime I hear it).
I also talk about my memories and experiences with my DH. I'm lucky to have someone who from day one has never bought into the image my parents were trying to sell him. He's happy I'm at peace with my decision and supports me with whatever I decide to do. I need to be able to talk this through - that and my writing has been the most helpful. And now anytime a painful memory pops into my head, I acknowledge it, but then I let it go.
Thanks for asking, Write.
Beth:
Thanks for the support and kind words! You're so right about "what if" - letting go of that was the greatest way of gaining my control. Thank you Beth.
October:
I wish I could bottle the feeling and stash it away for those rainy days.
It's funny you mentioned treating myself. For the last week I've been home alone since DH is in NYC and for the first time last night I did exactly what I wanted to do without judging myself. I bought a bottle of a sickeningly sweet wine cooler that I secretly love, and kicked back with some chinese delivery and watched reruns of Gilmore Girls (something I would never usually admit to liking). I started reading my favorite book, Atlas Shrugged and spent the remainder of the evening on the couch with my book, a pot of tea and a box of social tea cookies. It was heaven! As small as it was, I don't normally allow myself to just sit around - and I loved it. Didn't care about the crumbs or anything.
Thanks everyone - hugs,
Lily
