Family Alienation

[Lily_]

Since I stopped speaking with my Nparents several months ago, it seems like my Nmom has gone on a mission to bad mouth me to our extended family.  There are moments when I'm indifferent to the whole lot of them, but every so often I get really upset - especially with an upcoming family event.

My cousin is getting married in a couple of weeks.  We're fairly close in age and we've always got along just fine.  Because of my Ngrandma (my mom's mom) and other Npersonalities in the family - namely my mother, the dynamic in that part of the family ranges from constant get-togethers to complete silence for years at a time.  While this has impacted my relationship with my cousins while we were growing up, none of us have any problems with each other.  In recent years, I've been very friendly with this particular cousin and have sent birthdays gifts, cards and whatnot.  We last spoke several months back when she asked for my new address for her wedding invitation list.

My husband and I haven't been invited to the wedding.  I wasn't invited to the shower either.  I think what may have happened is that my mom has interfered the same way her mom did when my uncle (mom's brother) got married several years back.  Grandma made such a big stink over who should and shouldn't be there that my uncle caved in and did what she wanted.  Yet after all that, grandma didn't show up.  She couldn't stand the idea of not being the center of attention at her son's wedding.

My mom has a classic N tendency to drop one person for another to get the supply she needs.  I know that she's been very clingy with her sister - the mother of the cousin who's getting married - so I'm pretty certain that poison has been spread around, ultimately resulting in me not being invited to any family event.  Even though I expect better from my aunts and uncles, I think that based on their experiences with their own Nmother, they're just complying my mom's demands since they've learned to simply put up instead of challenge people like her.  Unfortunately, that doesn't take away my own hurt.

I know that I'll be running into my family sooner or later, we live in the same city and another aunt works down the street from my office.  I don't know how to handle things when I do run into them.  I'm not into pretending anymore that there's nothing wrong, but I also don't want anyone to know this has hurt me since the last thing I want is for my mom to have that satisfaction.  And Lord knows that if I were to see my mom by chance after the wedding, she'll say, "Why didn't you come?  You embarrased us by not showing up.  You think you're too good us now?"  I think my only defense with her is to just say hello, tell her I'm off somewhere and go - not giving her the chance to say anything.  But the rest of them, I'm not sure.

Hubby says he's willing to bet the farm that my aunt gave my mom my invitation to pass on to me and she threw it out and made up some lie, like I couldn't be bothered to show up.  It's exactly what happened with my grandma and a few of the guests that didn't make it to my uncle's wedding.  She admitted to throwing out the invites after the fact - after she insisted on delivering them personally - saying he was wasting his money on those people.  Maybe it's wishful thinking on my end, hoping that I haven't had my name so horribly dragged through the mud that they think so poorly of me.

You can tell that I still have issues of what people think of me and letting that get to me.

But again, I thought for certain I'd hear from my cousin directly.  I haven't and I'm very, very hurt.

Thanks for letting me vent,
Lily

[Portia]

Lily ((((((((((((((Lily)))))))))))))))

Please do this scary thing.

Please telephone or write your cousin. Mention the wedding. Say you're very happy for them etc. Be enthusiastic about it. Say you didn't get an invite and maybe it was lost in the post? But that you're happy for them. Assertive.

You are allowed to ask, you are allowed to have relationships with other family members and not have those relationships managed through your mother.

Remove the middle-meddling-mother and make contact directly. I'm pretty sure your cousin wants you to. It will take courage! But what is there to lose?

(Still haven't picked up my book yet.)

[liberty]

Hi Lily,

I'm so sorry that this is happening. It's the type of thing my mother would do as well. I get what you're saying about dropping one person for another and bad mouthing you.


It's a tough one to call but perhaps you could consider being pro-active.

If this is a cousin that you care about and you would like to be at the wedding, call her up and say "Oh I heard you were getting married then let her invite you herself" If she does, then go to the wedding and when you see your mother you can act surprized and say "Oh hi Nmom. You're here?!!" then smile and move away and ignore her. She'll get the message.

If your cousin does not invite you then it will be out in the open that she (your cousin) herself has made the decision to exclude you. At least if this happens it won't be because your Nmom has suceeded in her manipulation.Then you will have a better idea where you acutually stand with your cousin.

Don't let her blackball you. Throw a ball of your own.

If this helps: One time, my son was sick and all the children were supposed to go by Ngrandma. so I had to call her to tell her we couldn't make it. She was of course not pleased.

Then she started up about how her neighbour had a dream (always some dream!!!!!) that the same son was sick and that when she tried to tell me I did not bother and he got worse and so on..... (meaning that her neighbour dreamt that I was not a good mother) I realized then that she must have been bad mouthing me with her neighbour.

Thes kinds of things happened so often with her that this time I decided to as I say "Throw a ball of my own".

The next week when I dropped the children to visit, I carried some plants for her neignbour and told Nmom that I was going over to deliver the plants myself. Nmom froze and the excuses came pouring out. The neighbour was not home. In fact she would not like those kinds of plants and all sorts of nonsense.

I did not bother with Nmom and I went over and had a very good conversation with the neighbour (who was glad for the plants)  and I was sure to bring in my son and how he was sick and what I did to take care of him etc etc.

I let her know that I have a mouth too and anytime I find subversion I will go straight to the source where possible. I won't let her isolate me.

I hope that this is useful advice.

Love
Lib

[pennyplant]

Yes, Lily, this is very hurtful.  I also don't think there would be anything wrong with calling your cousin and saying something along the lines of, "Gee, when we moved, did I give you the new address the right way?   I was wondering about it because I haven't received a wedding invitation."  Since she did specifically ask you for it for that purpose, you'd just be following through on that conversation from before.  It may be even more hurtful to learn that she really didn't invite you, but I bet it isn't that simple.  This would be a chance to open up a dialogue.  You might learn something interesting and useful no matter what the answer is.

I do hope that it was your mother's fault and that your cousin doesn't even realize you haven't received an invitation yet.

Good luck with this.

Pennyplant

[Plucky]

Yes, Lily, hello there,
and I agree, make contact with the cousin.  I almost didn't invite some of my beloved cousins to my wedding because in the fray I noted one wrong digit.
If you don't find out for sure, you will wonder for a long time and wish you had stood up to your awful mother. You might hurt your cousin's feelings.
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Lily,
I'd like to offer a booming echo to this, which I think is at the core of things and could help you so much with your family:

Portia:  you are allowed to have relationships with other family members and not have those relationships managed through your mother

How scary is it, to think of just calling and asking? Is there some way you can set up the conversation so you feel protected?

Would it help to say, "I really am happy for you, and I would love to come to your wedding."

Then just let the ball rest in her lap, and let her own her answer? That's really on her.

It would be painful to have her weasel out of including you. Very. But if that were true about your cousin, perhaps it would also be a helpful thing to know. Not fun, but reality is a help, in the long run.

If that happens, and you're hurt...bring it here.

And if there's a positive answer, enjoy the wedding!

Hopalong

[penelope]

hi lily,

this scenario resonates with me, because for years I've only had relationships with my siblings through my mother.

I'm trying hard to contact them directly now, if I want to.  That is the key thing.  To figure out what I'm feeling, and if I really want to, to try again to establish the relationship.

With an N in our lives, it is difficult.  People can be easily swayed.  But if you're being true to yourself, you know who you are.  You know that you care about your cousin.  And you know that nothing your mother says or does can change that.  If your cousin chooses to be "poisoned" that is also her choice.  But it does not take away your feelings of love for her (cousin is a her?) and your wish to be part of her life.

hugs,
bean

[Stormchild]

Lily

I second what everyone else is saying here, and especially Liberty - when you're being badmouthed, and it's in a situation where it matters [ignoring it and allowing it to escalate is potentially damaging], then the only thing to do about it is to open the curtains and let in the light. [Bravo Liberty!]

Do brace yourself, though, in case the well has been poisoned successfully by your mother. At least you will know that.
People who believe malicious stories about others without wanting to get the facts for themselves are usually not going to be very reliable people anyway, and it's important to know this about someone. But I know that is small consolation.

I hope that this works out for you and that you and your cousin do continue to have a loving and sound relationship.

[cat]

Lilly - been there done that!

I do have some advice. . .  Please DO call up your cousin and tell her you understand she's getting married. 

And to go about it in a way that's not agressive (don't climb all over me here - but sometimes you just don't want to have to invite yourself to things) - tell your cousin you're happy for her, and wonder if she's registered anywhere for gifts.  That will let your cousin know you're interested in her life

While you're at it, you can ask about the honeymoon - what the colors are for the wedding - how the church is going to be decorated. 

I DO know that in my family - the Aunts and Uncles realize my nMom is really kinda crazy.  They do things behind her back - but we also don't make her aware of what's going on.  If I were to ask my nMom gently the questions above, she would probably start talking to me freely.  But if she didn't invite me, or make the comment - hey, you were invited - then I know I wasn't invited on purpose.

NMom's . . . you know what. . they make me tired : )

[Lily_]

Sorry for not replying sooner to all the brilliant posts - I left for an overnight business trip and just got back now.

The idea of contacting my cousin directly never occurred to me at all.  So simple and straightforward - wow, what an indication of how much I need to learn about myself.  This might sound weird but the moment I read that suggestion, my stomach bunched up in a knot.  The first thought that crossed my mind was, "Oh no, I can't do that!"   And then I fully realized how right you guys are - I can't let my mother manage my relationships for me and there's no reason not to get in touch with my cousin.  I still can't get over my initial gut reaction though.  Handling adversarial situations at work doesn't faze me.  But family is another story...

I'm going to mull over my approach this weekend and decide whether to call or email her.  I will definitely do one or the other, I owe that to myself.  This is a big step for me and I'll keep you all posted.

Lots of hugs and sincere, sincere thanks.  I don't know what I'd do without you all.
Lily

[Plucky]

That's great Lily,
I vote for phone contact.  Email can be hard to interpret sometimes and seem impersonal, also you don't know how long it will take her to read it and you will be waiting.
Plucky

[liberty]

Hi Lily,

I agree with plucky. I think the phone would be better as well. You would get to sense her immediate reaction! It's also alot more personal.

Take care.
Lib

[Hopalong]

And remember that you are not doing an aggressive thing by calling your cousin, Lily.
You're doing a friendly thing.

Try some calm, deep breathing before you call.
Maybe sit and feel a warm light for her no matter what she says.
Get that light in your chest strong and clear, it's just about compassion...
you have compassion for you whether she says yes, or says no, or says something vague...
you still have compassion

That gives you strength to see that you are not breaking any "rules" or
making a "mistake" or being "wrong" to call your cousin and congratulate her
on her happiness

You want to do that either way...
eager to hear. It won't be as hard as the anticipation.

Hops

[Jynna]

Hi Lily,  I can totally understand your reaction of fear when it comes to asserting yourself with your family.  I'm sure this phone call is scary.

Your reaction to contacting your cousin feels so familiar to me.  As a child of Nparents, I find that going against my Nparents makes me feel like I am committing the greatest sin in the world.  That's how they taught me, and I learned that lesson well.  When I go against their wishes,  my logical brain can tell me that I am doing the right thing, but my emotional brain tells me I am being bad, bad, bad!   I have an acute sense of fairness and decency in all situations except my family.   

Handling adversarial situations at work doesn't faze me.  But family is another story...

Remember that you are NOT being adversarial, you are being really kind.  You want to wish your cousin well on her big day.  How thoughtful, kind, polite, and generous of you!  Don't let your mother stop you from sharing the goodness you have in your heart.

I'm rooting for you, Lily.  Spread those wings, girl!