Author Topic: What limits did you set today?  (Read 2190 times)

liberty

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What limits did you set today?
« on: November 01, 2006, 11:55:40 AM »
Hi everyone,

Coming out of an earlier post and an excellent suggestion made by Soverign and Safe, I decided to start this thread. Here is my limit for today, small though it is:

Today my mother called (as she does every single day). She told me that she was going on a cruise with a friend. I told her that this was good news and that I was sure that she would have a good time. I heard that cruises are alot of fun.

Apparently, this response was not sufficient in its praise for her esteemed state of being able to go on a cruise. So she responded sarcastically (yes sarcastically): " Well I'm going. Sorry to have been bothering you!"

My usual response would have been to say" You're not bothering me. Why would you say something like that?" but instead I said "Ok" and I hung up the phone. :)

IamNewtoMe

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Re: What limits did you set today?
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2006, 04:23:13 PM »
Great thread, Liberty!


Apparently, this response was not sufficient in its praise for her esteemed state of being able to go on a cruise. So she responded sarcastically (yes sarcastically): " Well I'm going. Sorry to have been bothering you!"

My usual response would have been to say" You're not bothering me. Why would you say something like that?" but instead I said "Ok" and I hung up the phone. :)


That is so Fantastic!  Congratulations!  My N mom does this to me, too, and I always fall into the trap. I will remember your post next time she lays the bait. 


S+S,
This such a great boundary that you set - I will remember this one, too.  I always dread my birthday because I don't want to talk to my family, or wonder all day if they will even remember.  Better just to lock them out and reclaim your day.
Happy belated birthday to you S+S!  I am so happy for you that you had a great day!


As for me, I think I set a boundary yesterday.  My H and I were making an awkward attempt at an afternoon date.  We were on the way to the movies, and remembered that we needed to call a friend about some other arrangements.  My H hands me the phone and asks/tells me to call.  I have major phone anxiety and my H knows this.  Maybe he thinks that if he pushes me, I will get over it?  We were driving (H driving, me passenger) and I hate talking on the phone, especially in enclosed places (I like to pace around to work off the anxiety).  I told H firmly and calmly that I would call (which in itself is hard for me), but that I would wait until we stopped so I could get out or the car. He was annoyed but I insisted.  It was very hard and caused tension on our date, but I am glad I did it.

Jynna

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Re: What limits did you set today?
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2006, 11:06:28 AM »
Hooray for Liberty, S&Safe & New2me!  I love this thread.  Please give me more.

Limits are so hard for me,  I'm trying, I'm trying...... 

liberty

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Re: What limits did you set today?
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2006, 11:51:37 AM »
Start small Jynna, start small...........  :D

IamNewtoMe

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Re: What limits did you set today?
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2006, 12:51:17 PM »
I think examples of limits or boundaries are so great.  I would like to see more examples, too, because I am not always not sure what they look like.  I am new to this idea.

Starting small is a good idea.  My first concious boundary was over a plate of spaghetti.  I never order what I want to eat in a restaurant - I always pick something my husband likes (in case he wants to share) an/or something my toddler will eat.  One day I made a real point of ordering what I wanted. I took a while to figure out what that even was!  I ordered spaghetti, which was turned out to be terrible, but at least I did it!

More examples anyone?

Jynna

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Re: What limits did you set today?
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2006, 01:53:48 PM »
Oh Wait!  I have one!  I volunteered to read something at church (yikes!).  Then, two days before the service the pushy lady at church (isn't there always at least one?) asked me to read it at BOTH services.  (This would have eaten up my whole day.)

I told her that wouldn't work for me and she said, "well, why not?"  And I said, "Because it would be inconvenient."   To which she replied, "Well, God forbid."  and I said "I'll see you at the 10:30 service!"  then I hung up and had to do some deep breathing. 


Hopalong

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Re: What limits did you set today?
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2006, 01:57:34 PM »
Wow.
Everybody. (LOVE "see you at the 10:30 service"...evidently God didn't forbid you!  :P)

My NMom (96 this month) has demanded a Corgi puppy several times lately. It took 8 years of practice, basically, but these days I can look 'er right in the eye and say: No.

She goes, whyyyyy? I go, I am not ready to make a 15-year commitment right now, I need some time to take care of myself. It's a lot of work to raise and train a puppy.

She goes, oh that's okay, you'll do all that.  :lol:

I go, No.

Oy.
Hops

PS--wonderful thread, thanks, Lib (and S&S). I could see this one being around forever!
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

pennyplant

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Re: What limits did you set today?
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2006, 08:06:43 PM »
I have been setting limits more and more as I get used to even recognizing that limits must be set.  I mostly do it at work (my anti-voicelessness laboratory :mrgreen:)  Today I had some work I was asked to do.  Often I will also run around at the same time picking up and leaving things nice for the next person (who is sometimes me!).  Today I saw a mess but decided to just finish my task.  Then I ran out of time and decided to just leave the mess since I was off the clock.  Imagine my surprise when I came back after lunch and found that someone else had actually put things away!  Yay!  They can be taught!

The very first limit I ever set was with my father.  It must have been about ten years ago or so.  He used to ask me to pick up his cigarettes for him on my way to his house.  One time I knew he was trying to quit and he had let himself run out.  Then he panicked.  So, he called me and explained how he was panicking and afraid he would really freak out and would I just buy one pack and bring it out to him before the possible freaking out occurred.  I felt so manipulated!  I was very angry!  But I had said I would get the cigarettes and felt I should keep my word.  Luckily it was a 20 minute ride out there and on the way I kept thinking and thinking.  By the time I arrived I had my speech all prepared.  I told him that I did not like what he did to me in order to get me to buy the cigarettes and that I would never get him any cigarettes ever again no matter what, so not to ever ask me.  And he accepted this!  I was so surprised.  And he never did that to me again either.  It helped that I had time to know what I wanted to say and could be calm by the time I got there.

It's harder to set limits when you have to do it on the spur of the moment.

Pennyplant
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

Plucky

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Re: What limits did you set today?
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2006, 12:25:32 AM »
Quote
She goes, oh that's okay, you'll do all that.  Laughing

The noive!

The Limit I Set Today, by Plucky

My mother made some cake she wants me to feed to my children.  The cake includes ingredients they are allergic to.  I have told her several times that they cannot eat this.    She says, it's only a little bit!  They'll like it!

So today, when she mentioned that she is sending over the cake again, and that I should give them a piece, I did not disagree.  I just got online afterwards and volunteered to give cakes to the homeless shelter.  Yes, it's a secret boundary.  I know she wants to fight about it, so I will not.

Plucky

Hopalong

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Re: What limits did you set today?
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2006, 07:11:48 AM »
But anaphylactic shock is such a nice passive-aggressive gift for the grandkids...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

mudpuppy

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Re: What limits did you set today?
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2006, 04:40:32 PM »
Great thread. One suggestion though; how about changing the title to "What limits did you set and keep today".

It's easier to set them than to enforce them; kind of like a New Years resolutiion.
Especially with an N since their specialty is grinding people down over time.

mud