Trapped in the Mirror - Adult Children of Ns and Their Struggle for Self

[penelope]

by Elan Golomb

I have just started reading this book and thought I'd share any thoughts/experience/reflections it invokes in me here.  If anyone else has read it, or would like to read it too, maybe you would care to share your insights here as well.

bean

[penelope]

Well I am almost to the end of this book and not sure how I'm feeling about it.

I guess in the examples, I glimpsed a small part of myself...if anything, I'm taking away that life is precious, even for the daughter of Ns, and there is so much I want to do yet.  Maybe obsessing about them, or others who trigger me to be reminded of them and their legacy to me is all just robbing me of the gifts in front of me.

I took a long bath today after working a bit on my projects...so I was glad to have spent a bit of time on myself today, although I've worried about work and the troubling people there more than I cared to, as well.

I'm a little sad reading this book.  I think while the author has tried to be positive, she's a bit depressing.  maybe that is good for the daughter of an N, though, as we tend to be realists, maybe?  The reality is, being raised by Ns is depressing.

had a little cry about it, but perhaps there is more I've learned and internalized, but am just not able to verbalize right now.

bean

[Hopalong]

Awww ((((((((((((((((Bean))))))))))))))))))).

Bubbles to you, hon.
You DO deserve to just sit in your bubbles and be happy anyway.
Even for the children of Ns, nature does not forbid happiness.

When a little window within cracks open, we let it. It's not intense or dramatic. It's not ecstasy.
We can just go from...I will mourn what never was forever, to.......feeling, when we can, just happy.

love to you,
Hops

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((bean)))))))))))))))

Before I knew about NPD, I thought the problems in my family came from alcoholism, so I got the book Adult Children of Alcoholics...

Well, it had to do a little with my life (some of my dad's behavior, a lot of my grandmother's behavior), but it didn't affect me much. However, my husband had a very mean and selfish alcoholic father and he can hardly bear to read the book. He has read some, but said it is too distressing.

I would bet the book saddedned you because it IS sad...It's hard to look... even when you KNOW...

Lots of love pbean.

Love, Beth

[axa]

I have not read this book but have been thinking and working on my addiction to the N.  And yes, I do think it is an addiction.  I want to be seen by the blind and heard by the deaf.  It is such a waste of energy and my life.  I plead, beg, explain, bargain anything in the hope of being visible.  I have done a lot of work on myself over the years due to my emotional damage by N parents.  I feel that in some ways I took on their traits.  I want it my way, yes I am willing to compromise but ultimately I want the relationship the way I see fit.  I have difficulty accepting the difference of another. 

I am not saying it is all my fault but I continue to look to the N to fill the hole in me.  In my adult head I know no one else can do it but still I look and hope.  POLLYANNA.....my middle name!!!!!!

By loving the N I somehow seem to believe that in "curing" him I can "cure" myself.  I know this is not true and yet again and again i look in the same place for what is not there.

I had an interesting therapy session yesterday where I struggled with my projections onto him.  My fear that if I left him he would be so alone in the world.  In reality this is not true.  he is very good at looking after himself.  There is some huge connection with my abandonment of him being tied with my abandonment of the needy part of myself.  And I am soooooooooooo needy emotionally.  There is a voice in my head now saying but I just want everything to be okay.  I want to laugh with him, amuse  him, take care of him as if somehow this will be my salvation.  The adult in me knows that my salvation must come from myself and yet I am so hooked into the pattern.

I would welcome comment.

axa

[reallyME]

COULDBE,

What is the Mirror book?  I am about to take an ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY class in college next semester, and I do study things on my own about personality disorders.  That sounds like a book I must read.

~Laura

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa, (Warning everybody: I'm recommending all the usual titles).
When I was a most-raving CoD, these books helped me tremendously:

Escape from Intimacy by Anne Wilson Schaff
Men Who Can't Love by Steven Carter
anything and everything by Pema Chodron (especially for you...--and me--she's a huge help with control issues. Wonderful.)
If the Buddha Dated and If the Buddha Married (can't recall author)
Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman
Dibs in Search of Self
Melody Beattie books on CoD
that joy2uandme web site (though I do not think he is well)
Hero With a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell
Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl

Hope some of them might strike a spark with you. I have complete faith that you can grow through it. You are so unsparing and clear about your patterns. Now you just need the inspiration to begin changing them.

(Suggestion: I'd switch back to the main board to discuss as you can get unread over here...)

Hops

[Jade]

Hello all.

I have recently read "Trapped in the Mirror."

What I liked: Golomb's poetic, intuitive writing style. The very specific stories illustrating the interpersonal dynamics, step by step.

What I disliked: The occasional undertone of harshness and toughness. Her emphasis on overweight.

I agree that there was an undertone of sadness, melancholy or depression.

[truth]

Hello 

This seems like a book I would like to read

T

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Leah.
I'm so glad you found this board.
It sounds like a time in your life when you can really use some support.

You'll find it here...I have found such compassion and wisdom.
(I went through a terrible time of fearing my only child had become an N.
Now, I'm not interpreting her that way...pieces, or Nspots, yes, I have them too...
but not the full-tilt thing.)

I was going to suggest: how about starting a thread with whatever you feel like sharing on
the main board, not the What Helps? one? You'll get read more and get more responses there.

Again, welcome.
Hopalong

[towrite]

I have not read this book but have been thinking and working on my addiction to the N.  And yes, I do think it is an addiction.  I want to be seen by the blind and heard by the deaf.  It is such a waste of energy and my life.  I plead, beg, explain, bargain anything in the hope of being visible.  I have done a lot of work on myself over the years due to my emotional damage by N parents.  I feel that in some ways I took on their traits.  I want it my way, yes I am willing to compromise but ultimately I want the relationship the way I see fit.  I have difficulty accepting the difference of another. 

I am not saying it is all my fault but I continue to look to the N to fill the hole in me.  In my adult head I know no one else can do it but still I look and hope.  POLLYANNA.....my middle name!!!!!!

By loving the N I somehow seem to believe that in "curing" him I can "cure" myself.  I know this is not true and yet again and again i look in the same place for what is not there.

I had an interesting therapy session yesterday where I struggled with my projections onto him.  My fear that if I left him he would be so alone in the world.  In reality this is not true.  he is very good at looking after himself.  There is some huge connection with my abandonment of him being tied with my abandonment of the needy part of myself.  And I am soooooooooooo needy emotionally.  There is a voice in my head now saying but I just want everything to be okay.  I want to laugh with him, amuse  him, take care of him as if somehow this will be my salvation.  The adult in me knows that my salvation must come from myself and yet I am so hooked into the pattern.

I would welcome comment.

axa

I want to be seen by the blind and heard by the deaf.  It is such a waste of energy and my life.  I plead, beg, explain, bargain anything in the hope of being visible.  WOW axa - what an eye opening statement!!!   Never thought about my own addiction like that. Many thanks.

towrite

[bigalspal]

Wow AXA,
"I want to be seen by the blind & heard by the deaf"
That is so powerful!! 
That describes me & my N mother to an absolute T!
When she calls me (rarely) & I'm freaking out on the inside & begging for her to "get it".
I cannot SAY anything to her. If I do, she SHUTS DOWN RIGHT AWAY!
So, I've given up. But, I guess I'm not strong enough for NC just yet. THrough this board, I hope to be one day. So...I just listen to her prattle on about her flowers!
All the while dying inside.
GOD HELP US ALL!
Bigalspal