Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Energy Vampires and confidence zappers - was Daughter's Day!
rosencrantz:
I had a conversation with my mother two nights ago - it lasted two long hours (pretty normal) and I reminded her, told her for the first time (and it sounds as tho it should be ridiculous coming from a 50 year old woman but it needed to be said) - let's get this straight : YOU ARE THE ADULT and I am/was the child, YOU ARE THE MOTHER and I am the daughter.
It's the first time since this concept of narcissism started to be revealed to me about six months ago that I've spoken to her. At that time, I was stunned to realise what my mother did, how she was, how that had impacted me, but I've only now had the courage and the strength to go back in to beard the lion(ess) in her den.
It was so amazing still to realise that it is always about her and never about me - but I have no qualms, no doubts - she really does 'suffer' with the full NPD. It didn't matter what I said - there was no 'me'. She constantly wanted to know why I am such a terrible daughter - well, now I was able to explain that I am 'terrible' because I withdraw from her and I withdraw from her because I can't cope with the things she does (I have always been so strong FOR her up til now!!!), I explained that my home environment was too 'unhealthy' for me to stay in (when I was 19), she wants more so I explain that I would have committed suicide or ended up in and out of mental hospitals (llike too many of the family) if I'd stayed around.
There is no shock at these words, no reaction - except somehow, some satisfaction, and I feel aggrieved that I had to abase myself, admit to vulnerability just to satisfy her (like she said when I was a chld 'if only you'd cry, I'd know I'd got through to you). I resent it even tho it's the truth - she is stronger than I am - tougher, sharper and maybe even more intelligent - but then, why shouldn't I resent it - she wants the knowledge to gain power over me, not to love me or support me in my weakness.
And yet, I also see that 'I' JUST DO NOT EXIST for her! It's too amazing for words. I write the words and yet it is beyond comprehension, beyond common understanding. Who amongst the people I know would find it possible to recognise even the vaguest possibility that we don't exist in the eyes of another, let alone a parent?!?
But the difference NOW is that I've been through the terror. I know the truth. And that gives me a greater strenght.
I stood and she did the usual lambasting and manipulation and 'changing of the goalposts' and guilt trips (she became three different people as the two hours progressed - sad and lonely, manipulative and hysterical and, finally, decisive!) but I STOOD STRONG! I shook! My legs felt weak and wobbled! I 'hung on' literally' to whatever was around me! But, emotionally and mentally, I did more than survive. I STOOD STRONG!!!
Sounds dramatic - it IS dramatic!!! :lol: I am healthy. I am smiling. I am fifty and FREE!
It's not over yet - there are boundaries to be set - but I give thanks - for this forum, to the special people on it, to the friends I've made on it, to my energy healer, (I'll accept the BAFTA in a minute LOL), to my e-friend CT, to my husband and child, to my father who seems to have guided me in death to the knowledge and strength that I needed when he couldn't do it in life (Thanks, Dad!).
'N's, keep out! This is a precious time. Daughter's Day is here!!!!!
(Thanks for the inspiration, Portia! I share this to show that it truly is possible to move 'beyond'!!)
R
Portia:
“Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. ln those transparent moments we know other people's joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own.” Fritz Williams
CC:
R,
Not going to post an elaborate response but did not want your accomplishment to go unnoticed. It is truly uplifting when we are able to excercise our strength. "ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND" comes to mind.
Congratulations on your bravery. It will get easier the next time.
rosencrantz:
Hi CC - Thanks for your usual empathy and consideration! :)
Hi Portia - I don't think they're subnormal so much as under-developed. They never managed to work through the developmental levels that we go through as children. I hold that in my head but I find it hard to find a way of responding emotionally to that in my own mother.
I've worked so hard to get to this place of relative strength, I thought I'd get a few brownie points but was devastated when I phoned the elderly mental health/social services people last week to discover that the only conversation they were prepared to have was one in which they informed me they've decided to 'close the case' on my mother. :shock: The support I thought we would both have has folded and I have wobbled big time.
Ultimately, the wobble hasn't been as bad as I anticipated and in fact the crying I did immediately afterwards (you know, the sort that leaves you exhausted) seems to have 'cleared the air' for me and I've been getting on with things which have been 'pending' for a long time.
I guess the idea of a buffer and my father was all entangled in their expectation of me that my mother "could do with my input" and it felt like I'd lost him all over again. :? :cry:
The anniversary of the start of his illness is creeping ever near and although I hardly want to go through the past year again, I do rather wish it was a year ago and I could still see him again. Still, it's safer to experience the feelings of loss now that I can 'handle' my mother better and know I'm strong enough again that she can't 'suck me in'. I hope.
R
rosencrantz:
I popped into this thread because I wanted to share the fact that my 'hooks' are continuing to disappear.
I was in a shop yesterday with an incredibly unhelpful shop assistant when I was trying to buy some football shoes for my son. She clearly didn't want to get involved in helping him get the shoes on or to see if they fitted or to find an alternative pair and her attitude was 'who do you think I am, a shop assistant'!! :wink: (How British!!)
I left the shop really quite amused. My husband seemed (unusually) to be more 'twitched' by the experience than I was. I was tittering to myself about the situation again this morning and suddenly realised the vast difference between 'now' and 'then'. 'Then' I would have been insensed, enraged by the whole incident. I might have 'slammed down the barriers' between us and might have made comments designed to put further barriers in the way. (Really mature, hey?!)
I mentioned this to my husband this morning and he said that he'd felt 'twitched' because he thought I'd probably be reacting to it inside! So, with any luck, my 'unhooking' will help him have a more peaceful life, too!!!!!
I really do recommend Energy Field Therapy.
--- Quote ---Is that another way of saying she doesn’t love me?
--- End quote ---
Hi Portia - I missed that question the first time round. I don't think it is! I am sure our mothers 'love us' they just don't 'know us'. I suppose you could argue they don't love 'us' (the actual 'who we are') if they don't know us. But, yes, I think they love us.
Of course, how do you define love??!!! I 'love' my son in the sense that I want him to be happy in life, I want him to be truly himself and have enough self-esteem to fulfil his potential (whatever that may be).
I am sure that my mother would wish to echo those words but, in practice, she just can't hack it. Her own needs are just too overwhelming for her and therefore come first. She isn't able to tell herself that a child is not there to meet her emotional needs. I guess that's where all abuse starts.
R
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