Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Energy Vampires and confidence zappers - was Daughter's Day!
Flo:
Rosencrantz, You are so brave!!!! It is wonderful, what you are describing. I cannot even imagine talking like that to my mother. My late father would have been the one to go through all the abusive moods/personalities (so to speak). But Mother just "can't take it in."
Daddy took it in!! He took it way, way WAY in!!!! He got hurt really easily, even though he was, at the same time, in denial. It was extremely confusing and hurtful to all.
Mother is so cardboardish. She is more cool and distant, like what one of you (who? sorry I tried to find that part again....please accept my apology for being tired and not able to do a thorough search/id!) described, and like maybe she doesn't even love me. I think she was just so damaged by the coldness of her own father; the sudden death of her mother (auto accident victim) when she was only 17; and then decades of verbal and emotional abuse by my father, that her natural exuberance has finally dried up completely.
Anyway, I read all your posts in this thread with great appreciation and love. Thank you all.'
Flo
rosencrantz:
Another call.
OK, so I was manipulated into making the call.
But I had made a positive choice to return her call - so, although she had intended to manipulate me, I don't feel manipulated. I understood that she was not well, that she was in pain, that she felt abandoned by her support network, that she was frightened, that she was alone. I had interpreted her words correctly and made a choice about how I wished to respond.
I misjudged her true state of health tho' - I thought it was potentially worse than it really was. But it's amazing how strong she became during the call when she wanted to hold me by the scruff of the neck and start beating me again!!!!!!!
Do they ALL get their strength from beating and hurting others?????
How????????
I'd spent the day reading 'When you and your mother can't be friends' and, together with this HUGE new recognition of how others 'define' us, I've found new ground.
She's 'just' a person now, rather than my mother!! This has taken her to a distance where I can see her rather than experience her. She seems much smaller.
The biggest 'wow' came when she said :
"I did 'this' for you as a child and I provided 'that' experience (long list repeated ad infinitum over the years)...I did all that to give you confidence, that was MY confidence and when you went away you took it with you." She practically said I stole it!!
:shock:
I'm still falling over - clunk! - at this statement. I mean, she meant it!!!! She really meant it!!!!!
No wonder I end every conversation feeling completely depleted. She's 'in' me, grabbing it all back!!!!! Except it's not hers! It's mine!!!!
And when my barriers are up to prevent her from doing that, she says I'm hard, that I'm strict, that I don't understand. Well, it was those words that led me to let down my barriers a year ago - and see the damage she did!!! No wonder, when father was ill, even tho he was dying, I was desperate to return to my own home in fear that, if I stayed any longer, I'd not have the confidence and energy to drive all the way back. :x
Perhaps the answer to the question I posed earlier in this post is that if they do things to us that creates in us fear and pain, they 'think' they've acquired our power, our energy, our strength, our courage!!!!!???
This is the thing that frightened me most about the 'N' style - the way they put their feelings inside you and manipulate them ('projective identification') - not knowing how they did it, how to be alert to it and stop it when I only ever knew 'after the event'. (And it not being something in everyday language to even begin to discuss with someone else)
The energy healing has helped protect me, but I've been worried that this would make me too 'different', 'closed down', no longer able to reach out to others and understand them. But I'd had a mega session the previous day in anticipation of a challenging event and I'm now much more confident it can help in a positive way - I understood her even better and was better protected.
My H was also a rock and very proud of the way I handled it.
She asked for all her jewllery back. An ancient sweet watch she gave me on my wedding day, a pretty little faux pearl pendant, and something she gave me as a birthday present. Of course, I said (enabling and generous to a 'T').
Actually it's not 'her jewellery', they were gifts to me from her which had belonged to her and I treasured them! And deep inside I feel very, very hurt. Interesting to reflect that they were not in perfect condition - the watch didn't work, there was a pearl missing from the pendant - a very 'N' kind of gift, I guess!!! And clearly, the object was never 'given' as, in her perception, it still belonged to her!!!
The positive side is that she wants them for going to the Day Centre - which implies that she's committed to getting out and about and mingling. It's also symbolic of her getting her confidence back (if she can't get inside me to take mine, then she'll have it back some other way) and that's fine by me. (But let me know if you think I've missed something I should be alert to!!!!!)
R
PS Of course, she *could* have called to say 'thank you' for the CD player I sent her for Mother's Day (yes, it was a gift she wanted - I guess you could say she hinted at it). She only knows to get what she wants by being manipulative. It's a constant downward spiral and I feel such pain for the constant rejection she gets from the world as a result.
clj_writes:
Dear Rosencrantz,
Your posts and the work you are doing are quite amazing. Bravo for you!!! :)
My perspective is that our mothers do *not* love us. I do not believe they are capable of love since they do not know how to love themselves. I'm guessing the "deep, deep hurt" you described regarding her wanting the jewelry back is probably because of what the jewelry symbolized and not the jewelry itself. We ache for any indication of love, for any hope that we just missed something that's been there all along.
Likewise "I feel such pain for the constant rejection she gets from the world as a result" is very telling--we still get drawn into their pain, their problems, and their brokenness. I'm stumbling here myself. I'm still working on "who is more important to me---she or I?" "It's not my job to fix or protect her" is part of my new mantra.
I'd write more but my own inner clarity just got a bit fuzzy. :|
Take good care and keep up the excellent work!
Christy
Wildflower:
--- Quote ---“I did all that to give you confidence, that was MY confidence and when you went away you took it with you."
--- End quote ---
She actually came out and said that?? :shock: :shock: Amazing. Your name isn’t “Storage Vessel” is it? :wink: “Here, you keep my emotions (and jewelry) until I need them, so that I don’t have to carry them around all by my self because then I wouldn’t have the strength to beat up people.” :roll:
It’s kind of a chicken-egg thing to figure out why/how they become more obvious over time. If you learn to shut them out, the wriggle like crazy and become more obvious (for example, being the three different people in a very short time, as you mentioned in an earlier post above). As you grow stronger and find yourself, it’s easier to understand how irrational they are. And I think, to some extent, the older they get, the harder it is for them to ‘keep up appearances’ and they go straight for the kill without any attempt to veil their attacks. That’s what I’ve witnessed in my grandmother, in any case.
--- Quote ---The energy healing has helped protect me, but I've been worried that this would make me too 'different', 'closed down', no longer able to reach out to others and understand them. But I'd had a mega session the previous day in anticipation of a challenging event and I'm now much more confident it can help in a positive way - I understood her even better and was better protected.
--- End quote ---
You had such a rough experience with therapy, so I think it’s great that you’ve been able to find help elsewhere. We all have different ways of dealing with and understanding the world, so I wouldn’t worry about closing yourself off or being too different by using a method that helps you find yourself (and therefore be more in the world). :)
Congratulations on being able to ‘see through’ this latest tough phone call!! :D :D :D
Wildflower
rosencrantz:
Thanks Christy and thanks Wildflower
--- Quote ---She actually came out and said that?? Amazing. Your name isn’t “Storage Vessel” is it? “Here, you keep my emotions (and jewelry) until I need them, so that I don’t have to carry them around all by my self because then I wouldn’t have the strength to beat up people.”
--- End quote ---
Oh God - I laughed so much. Thanks for that. Sort of slightly hysterical laughter but laughter nevertheless!!!!!
Actually I feel cheerful!! I think I'm a cheerful kind of person but I haven't felt so for a long time. Gee - what a horrible year.
Actually most of the stuff my mother did to 'give me confidence' was confidence-shattering. I have this huge 'confidence' that masks sheer terror and total humiliation - cos that's what she demanded of me, putting me into situations that were far beyond my ability to handle (even if I 'should' have been able to). And I have continued to bluff my way in the world, constantly in situations I never dreamed of which were mostly the stuff of nightmares!!! (But some of it was fun!!!)
Anyway, I'm fed up of talking about her...what about me for a change :wink: :wink:
Thanks for that tip, Christy!!! Very, very useful.
Oh Wildflower - I think the reality is that she had no boundaries - I WAS her and she sent me out in the world to BE her on her behalf. Trouble is, I slipped the leash. That wasn't on her planned list at all - but my 'good psychiatrist' intervened and I was away and she never forgave us (that's how she sees it, anyway - was it that simple, I wonder??).
Incidentally she also sent me off to find the resources to find out what was wrong with her and to make her into the Prime Minister. (You'd think she'd make it a BIT easier!!) All deeply unconscious, of course. And most of my life I have (deeply unconsciouly, too) strived to achieve these things for her. Ah, the unconscious is a wonderful thing, when tamed!!! :wink:
R
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