Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Energy Vampires and confidence zappers - was Daughter's Day!
clj_writes:
Dear Rosencrantz,
You touched upon one of my classics: The Imposter Syndrome.
On another forum a person made a connection between the imposter syndrome, feeling invisible, and caretaking our parents which I found to be super helpful. She said she believed it ties back to being expected to do things as children we were never taught to do. In her case at age 8 she had to cook for her four siblings (she had to stand on a step stool to reach the top of the stove). Meanwhile her mother would be zonked out on the couch. Her mother never taught her how to cook but she got in big trouble if she messed up the cooking.
No one taught us how to deal with these ill parents, either.
Naturally if we are doing things beyond our age and training, we are more likely to fail. Plus we also begin to believe we are "supposed" to be that advanced and impressive. Attempting the impossible such as fixing our ill parents just sets us up for failure, too.
rosencrantz:
--- Quote ---No one taught us how to deal with these ill parents, either
--- End quote ---
Very useful observation! What's worse, most people cover up when we try to get help. 'There's nothing wrong' 'Don't upset the applecart' 'Just learn to be a good little girl'. And who's going to believe the kids anyway. 'Such an imagination'!
And the worst fear is that the parent will be taken away, don't you think??? We depend on them and need them so there's a great big risk in whistle-blowing.
At what point do we start looking after our parents, tho? Serious question. Traditionally, the young look after the old. Now I'm understanding my mother better, I'm beginning to feel more compassion for her.
I think, nevertheless, I need to remind myself that SHE is the parent and I am the child - it doesn't sound quite right, tho, does it. But every time I feel warm and responsive and expansive and responsible, I'd better remember that I'm the frog and she's the scorpion. Very sad.
And I notice that, although it appears that my mother is starting to recognise reality in some measure, the insight is still self-serving, self-centred : 'You took away my confidence.' She doesn't take responsibility for herself : 'I lost my confidence'. I need to be alert to the fact that she will probably never change. It's all still about blame - all the bad is 'out there' not 'in here'.
Plus, I'll always listen to someone 'dealing with their issues' and I think she's sussed how to get my attention!! Not nice to be so suspicious but it's probably something to be aware of.
Nearly slipped into the quagmire there - just caught myself in time!!!
Actually I managed to get through a whole day's meeting yesterday NOT taking responsibility! It was a challeng to keep my backside firmly on my seat!! But there were other people who WERE responsible so I left it to them - and they were responsible - just not quite as quick off the mark as I would have been! :wink: I wonder how much my mother's interfering was simply her attempts to be inadequately and inappropriately 'responsible'??? Mind you, there's a difference between 'fussing' and 'being responsible'!!!
Oh for goodness sake - I'm talking all about her again!!! Enough!!!
R
clj_writes:
--- Quote ---And the worst fear is that the parent will be taken away, don't you think??? We depend on them and need them so there's a great big risk in whistle-blowing.
--- End quote ---
Indeed. Plus she was the best mother we had, right? Better an inadequate one than none at all.
--- Quote ---At what point do we start looking after our parents, tho?
--- End quote ---
Hmm, in vitro?? I got blamed for things that happened then, anyway. ;)
--- Quote ---I think, nevertheless, I need to remind myself that SHE is the parent and I am the child.
--- End quote ---
I wonder if they can ever become the "parent". They have parentified us to such a degree and still remain so unconscious! I wonder if I need to make it "I'm an adult and she may never be". I do not think she will ever become a parent and I doubt we'll ever have a reciprocal "adult" relationship.
--- Quote ---Actually I managed to get through a whole day's meeting yesterday NOT taking responsibility!.
--- End quote ---
Don't you love these signs of progress? It makes me want to start a "freedom" log of my own small victories. I tend to dwell on the stuck places a tad much.
Wildflower:
Hi Rosencrantz,
--- Quote ---But I had made a positive choice to return her call - so, although she had intended to manipulate me, I don't feel manipulated. I understood that she was not well, that she was in pain, that she felt abandoned by her support network, that she was frightened, that she was alone. I had interpreted her words correctly and made a choice about how I wished to respond.
She's 'just' a person now, rather than my mother!! This has taken her to a distance where I can see her rather than experience her. She seems much smaller.
--- End quote ---
This struck me as being on the same page as what I’ve been trying to do when talking with my parents on the phone. When I know I’ve got a stressful conversation coming up, I ‘rehearse’ it in my head as if I were talking to one of my (thankfully) sane friends. I try to imagine what they would say/do if they were in my parent’s shoes. I'm hoping this will help me come up with reactions/answers that bypass the noise, stay out of their heads, and help me forget how to speak this crazy language. :roll: Of course, they don’t respond the way my friends would, but my hope is that at least I can start to ‘hear’ the difference between sane and manipulative talk.
--- Quote ---Actually I feel cheerful!! I think I'm a cheerful kind of person but I haven't felt so for a long time. Gee - what a horrible year.
Anyway, I'm fed up of talking about her...what about me for a change
--- End quote ---
That’s so great, R! :D You talked about a sunshine book in another post, but I wonder what would fill a Rosencrantz book? 1) Cheerful kind of person :D :D :D 2)....
--- Quote ---Incidentally she also sent me off to find the resources to find out what was wrong with her and to make her into the Prime Minister.
--- End quote ---
That’s hilarious. :lol: :lol: Seriously, though. When does she start? :wink:
Wildflower
rosencrantz:
LOL - It was 'just' a slip of the tongue (some might say there is never 'just' a slip of the tongue!!) but one day when she was nagging me about all I 'could' have been and failed to be (I was only about 20 BTW and still at Uni!!), she included 'the Prime Minister's daughter' in her list!
I ended up training women who wanted to enter public life!! And, yes, one of them is now a Member of Parliament!!! :lol: The day I realised what I was doing and why....!!! Gotta laugh but it's scary where our unconscious leads us sometimes...(as well as fascinating).
Knowing what I now know about grandiosity and all that, I'm sure she 'meant' it at her own deep sub/unconscious level - although what she intended to tell me was that I could have achieved the highest status in the land 'if only' I didn't have such a filthy life to hide away. (Moi? A student who didn't even drink coffee!!!) (I guess she was projecting again).
Tee hee - my parents even 'decided' (after the event) that the 'good psychiatrist' I'd been seeing was a famous sex therapist! Oh God, give me somewhere to keel over. Actually I'm surprised I survived all that. Actually no wonder I felt a mess inside all the time at Uni, insecure, constantly walking on a tightrope. I saw a counsellor for a while, all I ever did was sit there and cry and have no idea why!!! Everybody assumes that students are having difficulty settling in to their new environment and so did I.
Interesting : she hates Shirley Bassey and Princess Diana - what did they ever do to her???!!! Well, one flaunts her sexuality and one flaunts her goodness. EVerything's nasty underneath. I can't remember what she thought about Maggie!!!
Even while I'm laughing here, I acknowledge her pain, her fears, her self-loathing. What happened in her childhood to scar her so? I don't know. 'God forgives' and rightly so. But I have to look after my survival. Sad that is has to be mutually exclusive.
R
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