Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Energy Vampires and confidence zappers - was Daughter's Day!
Portia:
Excuse me Wildflower, Christy et al for butting in but this:
--- Quote ---she was nagging me about all I 'could' have been and failed to be (I was only about 20 BTW and still at Uni!!), she included 'the Prime Minister's daughter' in her list!
--- End quote ---
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
WTF?
Could she have been PM if - if what?
Could your Dad have been PM if (supply whatever 'ifs' you can)?
Or is it that she could have married the PM if only things had gone her way? Did she always think she married beneath her? And she blames you for that....what a spiteful, nasty, crazy person.
Probably never change? Delete probably. She doesn't deserve you even thinking about her. Ditto mine, but it's much easier to say about yours!! :wink: P
rosencrantz:
Hi Portia - LOL - She wasn't 'blaming me', she just wanted the 'best' for me!! She both 'gave' me confidence and undermined me totally all at the same time. She meant well (!) but was guided by projections and transferences that weren't me. And I wasn't strong enough, smart enough, wise enough to resist.
I no longer despise myself for not being stronger. How could I have been? I had no yardstick to judge it against. I often knew things weren't right - but I only had her and my father to confirm it for me. She couldn't/wouldn't and he wouldn't/couldn't.
I'm sure I'd have been an even bigger mess wtih siblings around. :wink:
Christy -
--- Quote ---start a "freedom" log of my own small victories
--- End quote ---
That's such a good idea.
--- Quote ---I wonder if they can ever become the "parent
--- End quote ---
No, but that mantra (she's the parent; I'm the child) just helps me remember that I'm NOT the parent; she has responsibility for herself and a responsibility towards me. She may never take it up - but it's still not 'my' job to be the parent in this game.
I'm not responsible for picking up her pieces - even now, even at her 'advanced' age. I've given her plenty of good information, she's had plenty of people willing to help, and she has to do the rest. She chooses to reject, manipulate and lambast and people turn away. She chooses - as much as she has a 'choice' in her state of mind (that's the difficult bit that scuppers my intention again).
How do we teach people like this that they can risk making new choices and the world won't fall apart (for all I know, hers might!! :shock: ).
In vitro, yes - I always had the fantasy that I must have arrived in this world with guilt that I'd damaged my mother during childbirth by getting born and that the guilt had just followed me throughout my life. (After all, becoming independent is 'being born' of a kind, isn't it!) I didn't realise that I had good reason to feel guilty.
It just never occurred to me that my 'nice' mother actually wanted me to feel guilty with the intention for me to stay and keep her strong and be her 'front' - "Look at this nice little girl, this is me, isn't she nice; go on dear, perform for the visitors" Knowing deep down I could never get anything right and would never be perfect enough but also knowing she would insist on constantly exposing me....Aaaauuugh!
R
Portia:
Edited..busy being a dork and loving it!
rosencrantz:
Ah, I don't think she was talking about her failings - she was talking about her aspirations. Unrealistic, of course. It was 'just' a Freudian slip. But my unconscious connected with her unconscious and dutifully went off into the world to make something happen to make her PM so I could dutifully be the PM's daughter (it got translated into training other women to become MPs - not a bad first attempt!!!)
I mean, it's really funny!!! The day the connection clicked, I had my destiny back in my own hands (more or less) and I was happy to laugh at myself!! She wouldn't find it funny of course. She'd say I was being mean to her.
Of course, there was never any question but that I do whatever was required irrespective of what I felt, just 'leap' to the pinnacle please - you're not supposed to actually do it step by step or have fear!! (My son is like that - that puzzles/worries me; he wouldn't walk or talk until he could do it completely - no 'attemtps'!!! Did I do that to him in some way or is it really a 'gene' thing??!)
What makes it even more difficult to 'claim' to be abused is that this concept of the smotherer sounds cushy compared to some experiences of neglect.
But, believe me, you don't want a parent who monitors absolutely everything that enters and leaves your body...HER shrine!!! :wink: And I was constantly ashamed of the molly coddling and of being held out as 'special' when I was 'just' her daughter. No idea of my own true worth.
All the things you say are true, except...there is a part of her which truly breaks down. Either she is strong or I am strong. It appears that we each represent a black hole for the other. Her truth vs my truth - ?
R
rosencrantz:
Thanks for that, Wildflower.
I quite like this Rosencrantz character. She seems to have a fairly positive impact on people. I wonder if I'm anything like her????? Maybe I should change my name by deed poll and see if she rubs off on me!!!!!
:wink:
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