Embarrassing/Deep Pattern Recognition

[gratitude28]

Thanks to one of our wonderful members, I was able to recognize a particularly pervasive and difficult-to-admit pattern trap that I seem to still fall into.

First let me say that I am writing this to help others who may not have been able to recognize certain "under the surface" patterns. These are not attractive traits in me. But I know that in recognizing them, I am now able to begin to defeat them.

We all have bad patterns that are easy to identify: poor eating habits (eating due to stress and such); spending to make ourselves feel better; isolation... these are patterns we can easily identify.

Here are two more specific patterns I have seen in myself that I hope will give someone an example to start searching:

A while back, I had to organize an event here at work for our parent company. People were asked to participate. One of them said he would and then never showed up. When I called to remind him he was very nasty about it, when all he would have had to have done was drop me a note to say he couldn't attend and I could have replaced him. Well... I was pissed. I was polite to him on the phone, but I hung up and had this black cloud over my head. And in that cloud, I had plans to make him look bad in some way. I know his wife, his coworkers, etc. And I caught myself plotting some way to make him feel bad for being rude. And I was very proud of myself for catching that nasty thought. I stopped it there and decided to watch out for times when I get like that. I was not put on earth to bring about retribution for idiots. I am not that inportant.

Pattern # 2: I hold certain people in positions of authority. Sometimes it has to do with their actual position (i.e. as a boss, doctor, etc). Often it is because I like and respect a person. Embarrassingly, I put myself into the beta dog position in such a relationship and look for "kindness handouts." I also scrutinize to make sure I am being appreciated. Likewise, I am very quick to assume the person "will get mad at me." I fear asking my boss to take off early for an appointment, although when I have had to, he has been more than kind. I used to drive my husband insane asking, "What's wrong." when he was just quiet or relaxing. And so forth.

I hope this has helped someone. Thank you to all of you for helping me make progress every day (well most days ) and for letting me see it is possible to find love and peace.
Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Beth:  I see this pattern in a girl at work.  Some people cannot stand up to people in authority.  Must have been burned early on.  I had a boss who totally psyched me out...............after I left that place of employment I told myself I will NEVER allow that to happen to me again - and I haven't.  My nmom wonders if bookkeeper gave me a backbone.  No.  I gave myself a backbone!!!

[Portia]

Hi Beth

Pattern 1. Is this suppressing your anger at him for his rudeness, and then wanting to release that anger by plotting revenge? Could you express your displeasure instead when appropriate – “Oh that really screws up my schedule! Perhaps next time you could let me know sooner. Thank you.” If he was nasty to you, hey, you don’t have to be nasty back, but let’s face it, if you respond too nicely, he’ll take that as a cue that he can do what he likes with you. Good girls stand up for their rights to be treated with respect!

Pattern 2. Oh boy do I recognise this one. I’ve had to fight it long and hard and still do. Gets me into terrible trouble. I love having a hero to look up to! A good parent I suppose. I read:

when we make heroes of others, we diminish ourselves.

We’re all born equal!

[moonlight52]

Hi Guys

It is not always just seeing the pattern but how we react and engage in the pattern with others or not engage and detach.

To detach is sometimes all we can do if the other person is abusive or does not understand what we want to say or if there intent is not good.

But learning how we react to whatever is important infomation.

I hope I can break old patterns with new lightbulb moments all good intention and this follows a path straight to compassion for self and others.

My sense is there is only  protection regarding really dangerous people .

But on a verbal level I think I can handle myself better and I will not struggle and have guilt over past behaviors because of learning about cycles.

moon

[Gaining Strength]

Here's a pattern that I just got. 

When I made mistakes, I was deeply shamed about them.  My parents never, ever helped me
to go back and fix my mistakes.  So early on I developed a pattern of making a mistake, shutting
down in a deep place of shame, (probably slipping into a depression) and castigating myself waiting
on edge (severe anxiety) to see if my parents would find out or not.  It they did, the shaming
would be made worse.

Here is the pattern that I am still living.  the pattern that is outrageously crippling.  Something
goes wrong - I shut down.  The shame and anxiety cripple and the mistake or problem are
buried rather than resolved.  Or if it is something that is official like a legal matter then I am paralyzed
until the problem is exacerbated and the ramification are catastrophic.

Now I've got it.  Part of this pattern is the shame that is attached to getting help.  This is the biggest issue
because not only am I paralyzed from dealing with the problem but I am ashamed to get help for it.

Boy - this is it.  This is bigger than I can believe.  I am so thankful for these threads on patterns and cycles and
family alienation and for support and encouragement.  I am going to commit to breaking this pattern.  And I am
going to do it publicly here on Voicelessness. 

Today, I have to take my little boy to a christianing party.  I am stuck on getting the gift and getting appropriate clothes for us to wear.  I have just over 3 hours to get it all in order.  My obstacles are my self criticism and self hatred and the negative thoughts
about myself that I project onto others. 

I have to go back to that marvelous chapter on not taking on what others think about me. This could be a true break through for me.  Thanks to all of you.  Thanks for your relentless encouragement Hops, and the brilliant minds of Stormchild and jacmac, the kindness of moon, the courage of penelope and the support from WRITE and I shouldn't have started because I am leaving so many out that I truly love.

I'll be in touch.  Thanks for helping me.  Thanks for encouraging me.  - yours GS

[Overcomer]

Interesting.  I haven't really worried about what people think of ME right now.  Except that my daughter goes to Christian school and the rumor mill is running rampant with her sex and drinking.............now I feel bad for HER (and asked her to STOP - come to find out this kid has NO backbone and even if she wants to say no, she doesn't have the backbone to say it!!)  But the old patterns - the guilt and shame that I felt as a kid, I am feeling FOR her................it is crazy, insane behavior!!!  I'm also wondering about my "best friend" who is a mother of my eldest daughter's friend.................she calls me to tell on my daughter.  They had a wonderful thing happen yesterday - they won the state competition and my friend called me to tell me that the coach heard about the sex and drinking and may kick her off the team.  So a happy day, rained on by a friend who couldn't keep her mouth shut until the next day...........raining on my parade.  I think we had a thread about that.  Can't let the beauty outshine the ugliness - shame, guilt............

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry Kelly. Extra hugs to your sweet rebel (((((((())))))))).
SO helpful when authority figures/institutions slam down on kids who are acting out,
instead of trying to help them befriend and help themselves...

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Kellydchkm
     I am so sorry for what you and your daughter and family are going through. 
I expect that it is painful, frustrating and feels just crazily out of control.
I am going to try to stay out of offering advice and stay with sympathy but
I also want to encourage you to find a place of strength - to deal with this
with faith that the darkness will pass and the light will return.  I hope for you
that in part you and your daughter will draw closer through this difficult time
and that your bonds of love will conquer these troubles.

My heart and love are with you both - GS

[Plucky]

Hi Kelly,
what a hard time to be going through, and to make it worse, friends jumping on the bandwagon!  Some parents are so competitive, they will do anything to make sure their kid is one up on your kid!  Even if they are supposed to be your friend!
I know when I was young, I had a hard time saying no.  I could not think on my feet.  It would have helped me to have someone sit me down and role play a little.  Boys will say this.   You can answer this, that, or the other. Specific words and thoughts.  Specific relfection on real situations she will find herself in. 
Also, is her environment the right one for her now?    Is it too fast?
Plucky