I have stopped holding my breath when I log on, but still I wonder if one day this rug will bu pulled out from under me.
I know what you mean, it can be precarious to rely on anything. But we found this and if it changes or goes away we'll find or create something else.
Over the past two weeks I have been trying to channel my computer use into something feeling less compulsive and more regulated; I find myself drifting onto it and a couple of hours slips from me, when I really need to be more focussed on my work!
Condolences...congratulations...that your instincts were correct about your friend
well the past few weeks we have been looking at each other more and more, touching more, then Sunday we went out and there was a huge tension between us and I tried to pay attention to what is going on. We have lovely conversation but over and over he keeps gazing into my eyes and I know he is conservative and shy and inexperienced in 'adult' relationships, and maybe that's why he is interested in me, I do tend to be provocative and open and a bit wild. But after a couple of hours of him gazing intently into my eyes ( he has amazing eyes ) and then no clear dialogue or expression of what he wants I felt frustrated and I thought why am I doing this? It's not me who's afraid of a relationship or commitment or emotional honesty....so I've told him how I feel and since I will not have to bump into him or see him for several months it seems a good time for that. I told you I read somewhere recently, oh that 'Ambivalent Men' book: 'healthy people don't fuel intensity which isn't going anywhere' well that's exactly what he's doing. His response was to back off and say 'I want us to be friends' so I said 'we need to stop gazing at each other then!' I was pretty lighthearted but I don't need any unrequited love affair.
I guess it shows I am getting ready to move on to a relationship, because that's not enough for me now, it's getting frustrating rather than being fascinating!
The book Hops told me does suggest it's an adiction which I think may be a bit strong, but as a distraction from boredom or misery- yup, until it tips the balance into creating misery and loneliness.
I also 'bit the bullet' and have told him my religious views, which I know can seem like blasphemy to devoted fundamentalists who have been taught heresy ( Greek word for choice ) is a bad thing.
So whether we become friends or lose touch or have to see each other through singing...whatever I feel like there's an emotional honesty on my part which is healthy.
It's hard sometimes to be true to yourself living in another culture, there's a moment of pause all the time whilst I work out if something is cultural or not, or if I'm giving offence! But I'm very comfortable with my own spirituality, it is a big part of my life, and something I buried in my marriage.
Even two days ago my ex looked at me intently and said in response to my complaint about my son's negativity to my beliefs: 'there is no God'. I am tired of fighting that- if someone is so opposed to my beliefs they need not to be around me.
The guy was a little shocked I think- everyone always assumes others must believe what they do!- but very respectful and interested.
I think he's a potential relationship, but nothing more than that. I like him and he's attractive and we get on well. But emotionally he's not at my level and that's not my business! If I don't break off now I'll just start trying to fix that.
Write I do not understand why people are not kind what's the point and I am surprised as well.
It's hard isn't it Moon. people create so much of the pain of this world unnecessarily.
I do understand her, as much as you can when someone's not being honest. And it is jealousy. When we first knew each other we were both in bad shape, our lives chaos. But mine is moving on. I thought she was pleased with me and supportive, but I am finding over and over that many people who are kind to you during times of crisis or difficulty are not happy when you get better!
The Director of the place, who is somewhat out of touch with the employees, came to greet me and gave me a hug an hour before- not how she is with the employees who are all somewhat afraid of her ( which probably makes her afraid of them! ) I don't work for her directly so I can have a level of honesty. Plus I have worked my ass off there, so she's heard about it.
The lady who was backstabbing is I suspect only holding onto her job by the skin of her teeth, her home situation takes up most of her time and I stopped asking her to do her job relating to my projects months ago because anything you ask her doesn't get done and ends up swamped in excuses and negativity.
What I saw as being supportive and not adding to her pressures she clearly resents though. What she was saying that I heard was about me not keeping her in the loop, she was making a big deal about my annoyance at someone else dropping the ball and it will affect my clients negatively, but at the end of the day it is my responsibility to serve the seniors. Any support I have given to the staff is outside the remit of what I actually have to do- it's just I know from experience things don't work unless you become part of the team.
The funniest thing is a couple of weeks ago I sensed some of this and asked her if she'd like to take on authority for my projects which really should be hers, I am a freelance. She did not, and said she was far too busy. And I had told her boss and the administrator that I was going to suggest she did that when she's more settled; the admin said 'good luck with that' which I said 'oh she's very enthusiastic' and then I was wrong.
So I guess yesterday I felt the unfairness of it too, plus I am sick of treading on eggshells with her, she pretends to be deaf as a way of wrong-footing me. I find it toxic to be around her and I have been trying to 'manage' her negativity around me since she arrived. The previous post-holder set up some very unhealthy support systems for the clients, and I dismantled them and talked more openly about it than I should have done and gave fuel to her vitriol.
I am going to work on that I think- never saying anything negative about someone that I wouldn't say to them. I am slipping into bad habits!
detach I guess? It’s their problem.
yes Portia, maybe I should not attach in the first place. But on the other hand I do have reputation now for motivating staff who many people can't stand, simply by being nice to them!
I guess I will just have to toughen up.
You'd think after all the years of my sister's unspoken resentment I would be used to this, or maybe that's why I feel it more. I love my little sister so much, and can't stand that side of her.
I hope today looks brighter?
well Igot my period too- maybe that was part of my dip in mood!
yes, overall I do feel positive, and I know I can overcome all these irritations and the positives are outweighing the negatives significantly.
I've booked a therapy session for this week though- I don't want to start getting overwhelmed again and get stressed and sick.
Thank you all so much for your positivity- I really appreciate all the support and feedback and the fact you're rooting for me!
And letting me ramble on at length and get all this stuff out; I feel sort-of guilty for not having major trauma any more and taking up time, I hope it does help people who are trying to leave bad situations see that there is a great future on the way though....even though I am still dipping a tentative toe into the ocean of that possibility, but about to throw off all my clothes and take the plunge I suspect! ( that's a lot of mixed metaphor for breakfast! )
Have a great day everyone.
~W
