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lynn:
Hello,

Wouldn't it be nice if there were truely a way to confirm that I am making the right decisions?

My N husband does not want to split up.  He is currently very sad.  He is struggling in many areas.  It is hard for me to watch.  He plans to move out tomorrow.  He is signing a lease on an apartment.  He said to me tonight, "I know you, lynn.    You won't be happier if we divorce, you'll be exactly the same person you are now except you'll have ruined us both financially.  How is getting rid of me going to help you find you?"  He went on to describe the enormous financial cost of a breakup.  

I don't love him.  Yet, I have supported him emotionally for many years.  He is a pretty good dad. He loves his kids and participates in their lives. He claims to love me tremendously.  He provides for us.  Works a lot.  Comes home every night.  

Yet, he has no empathy.  None.  In fact, one time when I queried him about it, he said that he felt that empathy was a sign a weakness.  I responded that he might be confusing pity with empathy.  And even after a lot of discussion, he couldn't identify what empathy ment.  

He perceives much of what I say as a threat or an attact.  Most of our arguement time is about whether or not I have said something incorrect or attacking.  I have compromised my words and opinions so much ... just to avoid the arguement repercussions.  It is exhausting. So often he twists things around so that I am the one at fault.  For many, many years I believed him.   I really thought that it was me to blame.  

Often my primary feeling is limbo.  I am waiting.  On hold.  It is hard to make decisions because everything feels wrong.

The hardest part is that I feel like an object in his life.  He cannot relate to me or anything that I am.  I believe that he respects the concept of me that he holds in his head.  In fact, I feel that he loves the "idea" of me, much more than the person me.  When he is away ( he travels quite a bit for business)  He loves me and talks to me and misses me.  But when he is home and my personality comes through, he rejects me immediately.

Because he works so much I have a great deal of time to myself.  I work and raise the kids and build my own life in the hours that he is away.  So I have not completely lost myself to this relationship.  

On the surface my life appears to be good.  My relationship is difficult but not horrid. Not compared to some of the extrodinarily difficult situations many of you have lived through.  

Presently, I feel unsure about the world and what it has to offer and if happiness or even happier is really out there.  Why is it that I can't be myself in this relationship.  Even before I was married, I had a hard time making friends and feeling close in relationships.  I have thought that I value freedom more than friendship.  Maybe what I am seeking does not exist for me.

Has anyone ended a similar type of relationship?  Was it better when you left?  What did you find on the other side?  

thank you,  lynn

p.s.
It's funny that this board is about "voicelessness"  A number of years ago, when we were in one of our extended bad times.  I used to describe myself as "mute."  I felt so unheard in my relationship that it was not even worth the effort to speak out loud.

Anonymous:
Lynn I can see you're in for a time of a lot of soul searching and what an enormous step this is for you. I wish you well in your new life and hope you find the happiness you are seeking. I was reading through your story and am glad that he never fooled around with women and is a good dad and sounds like a hard worker and good provider. Hopefully he'll be reasonable towards you in this next phase of your life. His sadness now is the fruit from the tree that he sowed, because he's neglected you emotionally all these years and it sounds to me like you've argued and told him often enough. He will probably cry a lot and not understand why. I think if he was going to understand he would have by now. He's an emotional freezer. As cold as ice. You will probably experience doubts and fears, this is a normal part of change, especially such a big change as you are embarking on. Now you can focus on you and your happiness. There's no point to you being lonely in your marriage and no need. There's so much good information around nowdays which can help you discover who  are and what you want out of life. It sounds like you've been an accessory in this man's life for so long, that it may take a while to find yourself. That's okay. A friend of mine is married to retired merchant ships captain. All through their 4 children's growing up years and even when they were born he was away at sea. She had twins when he was at sea who didn't see till they were 4 months old. He was a seaman when she met him so she understood this when she married him. Sometimes he was at sea for 8 months at a time, before mobile phones were invented. I asked her once what is was like raising 4 small children almost as a single parent and she said to me, I was always happy even though at times I missed him terribly. She said they had three lives. She had her life, he had his life, and when he came home they had their life together. They are in retirement now and a very happy couple and she said she always knew back then that he loved her appreciated her and valued her and he listened to her and when he was home he loved her openly. That's what you haven't had and I'm surprised you've lasted this long, maybe that goes to show how strong you are. Their marriage survived tremendous distances of time and space because it was filled with love, understanding, appreciation consideration you name it. She also told me she always new that when he came home she had to keep her life in tact, friends family work social activities. She never dropped any of those things when he came home and still is actively involved in them now he's retired. And he's gotten involved in her life, not gone off to do things on his own. I think you've got plenty of living to do, and a whole unexplored adventure ahead of you once you take some time out to discover what you want. You've said you've got good memories of the years raising your children, and I'm so glad, and also he hasn't been a demon womaniser bludger bum. You've got assets, that's another positive. Lot's of positives to take forward with you as you learn from the past and create a new future for yourself.

You have my best wishes

Guest

Portia:
Hello Lynn, you said this:


--- Quote ---Why is it that I can't be myself in this relationship. Even before I was married, I had a hard time making friends and feeling close in relationships. I have thought that I value freedom more than friendship. Maybe what I am seeking does not exist for me.
--- End quote ---

Good questions and observations for yourself, completely apart from your marriage. The phrase “value freedom more than friendship” speaks to me because I used to do it, and still do to an extent. I guess once you have the time you’ll start looking at yourself and asking why you are as you are; and how that came about. Time to yourself is necessary sometimes.

I wonder, has there been strong emotion in your marriage? Anger, blazing rows, lots of tears, recriminations, moments of heart-swelling joy, lots of laughter? P

lynn:
Hi Portia,  Thank you for your comments.  You asked, "I wonder, has there been strong emotion in your marriage? Anger, blazing rows, lots of tears, recriminations, moments of heart-swelling joy, lots of laughter?"

The answer is yes and no.  I  have tried to keep things at an even level most of the time.  When the kids were little, I wanted so much to have a happy family.  Dinner with conversation and interest.  It was easy for me to compromise in order for things to be smooth emotionally.  I thought I was making a happy home.

My N is emotionally all over the board.  He is frequently paranoid.  He swings from great confidence to complete insecurity.  The foundation of our life is always shifting, shifting, shifting.  He thinks constantly.  All day all night.  He plans and re plans.  He works constantly because he is so worried.

To circle back to your question, there has been powerful negative emotion.  Anger.  Arguements.  Accusations.  Name calling.  

But there are not times of joy, laughter, warmth. He does not share anything with me emotionally.  I can not remember any great warm, happy moments.  Certainly no shared heart-swelling joy, or lots of laughter moments.  It is as though no matter what is happening in my life... good or bad.... there is something happening in his life which is more important.

When we disagree, there is not a point that we come together and find common understanding... so the bad times kind of fade into neutral times. And the new measure for happy or good eventually becomes "the absence of bad."

Why do you ask?  lynn

lynn:
portia,

I thought of one more thing... You said that you used to value freedom over friendship.  What is it like for you now?  How have you changed?  How have your values changed?  What have you learned?

lynn

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