Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
musings
seeker:
Hi Lynn, Portia, Guest & all
Freedom v. friendship is a big issue for me as well. For as long as I can remember, I felt rejected for being me. I'm very much a loner and am still under the impression that this is a condition I need to learn to accept. It is my position in the family to be the "good girl", "invisible", "don't be a problem", "you have nothing I want/nothing to offer unless you are serving me" etc.
I have only realized now just how much of an impact this conditioning has had on my life. In addition, and this is the big eye-opener for me, it was imperative that I remain a loner or I would be swallowed up by other people's expectations and demands, the obligations of friendship. I would feel stifled, erased. I would have to bow to another's will as it was always one way with my parents, esp. my dad. My mom tends to martyr herself. She did mom things for us, and would sometimes listen to our problems, but she really didn't validate or support. Just listen. It created a lot of doubt in my head.
The kicker is I then beat myself up by wondering if I am selfish for not wanting or being unable to give to a friend. Only recently have I observed a few others nearby struggling with the same thing and realizing I am not defective, but human.
Of course my parents would be shocked by these assertions, even my H (a great listener, how did I find him? :shock: ) argues this point with me. My dad loves me as much as it is possible for him to do so. But he's unavailable and NOT sacrificing in any way. I will credit my dad with making appearances at key public moments willingly, but having a private two-way conversation is impossible. It's tiring to do all the listening and makes me feel like a potted plant.
This is a key issue in my life and one I'm still trying to figure out. It makes me feel very ambivalent about my family, you know, not bad but not great either. I think this is the common point and why I am splatting all over your thread, Lynn! :oops:
Anyway, thanks for letting me spill. I look forward to reading everyone's thoughts about the balancing. And good luck to you Lynn. It sounds like there are many gray areas in the communication arena and that makes it all the more foggy! Best, Seeker
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: lynn ---He said to me tonight, "I know you, lynn. You won't be happier if we divorce, you'll be exactly the same person you are now except you'll have ruined us both financially. How is getting rid of me going to help you find you?" He went on to describe the enormous financial cost of a breakup.
--- End quote ---
He sounds manipulative here. My impression is this marriage is extremely miserable for you. That's a legitimate reason to separate from him.
bunny
lynn:
Seeker, portia, bunny, Your thoughts and support are valuable to me. I am not a particularly emotive writer and it is a challenge from me to make my written words match up well with my feelings. I appreciate that you find my meaning.
Regarding friendship vs freedom, Seeker said
--- Quote ---it was imperative that I remain a loner or I would be swallowed up by other people's expectations and demands, the obligations of friendship
--- End quote ---
I understand how you feel. Being a loner is one way that I have set boundries in my life. One way that I sustained an independent me. I don't have a lot of good role models in my life who showed me how to be a friend. It often seems that there is something that I am missing. A mistake in my wiring.
I don't yet know how to deal with the question. I would like to be able to be a better role model for my kids.
(bunny, thank you for your insightful observation.)
your friend, lynn
Anonymous:
Hi Lynn :)
I wish I had been brave enough and smart enough to do what you are doing now. A few years ago the rows with my husband got to be so awful that I strarted to walk on eggshells to keep it nice for our kids and suppressed all my needs, in my head and heart and it built up like a pressure cooker. He's much bigger than me I'm 5'2 " and 52 kgs and he's 5'11" and 98kgs and one day he was screaming at me in the backyard because his mobile phone was ringing and he was skimming the pool and couldn't answer it. I was inside cooking with loud children running around being noisy and I didn't hear it. I got such a shock when he screamed at me through the kitchen window why didn't I answer the phone and bring it out to him. He'd missed an important call and screamed for the neighbours to hear how I was useless. I overreacted and threw his mobile phone at him and it landed in the pool. He went totally nuts and started screaming at the top of his voice the worst names imaginable and then came inside and bashed me with the kids watching. This wasn't the first time. Then when he went back outside to the pool trying to get his mobile phone out I called the police. He didn't know I had. When they arrived shortly after the kids were still in shock I had red marks up arms and on face and back. They put a DVO order in place for 12 months and he had to go to anger therapy. He was so good at manipulating me and manipulating my emotions that any time in the future that he threatened and sometimes hit me I would drag out that DV and say I was going to call the police. He'd say things like if you do I'll lose my job, I'll go to jail, I'm the only one who can bring in the money, the house will have to be sold, where will you and the kids be then. You'll ruin us financially if you call the police. This worked on me for a couple of years and I never called them, I kept having the DVO extended even though I wasn't using it. I know I was stupid but this is what I did. I swallowed the crap and worried about the finances with little kids, this played on my mind. I kept walking on eggshells. The constant repitition of a lie from him about the finances had lodged in my brain as truth, he'd done a good job and it made me feel guilty to think if I called the police I would destroy my children's home, future and financial viability. Then one day the truth dislodged the lie, partly because I had a good therapist who kept telling me he's lying, he's manipulating you, and I was fed up with him and me in the same sick dance. I realised, he won't lose his job, he's too cunning. I just new in a particular situation that I had to use the protection of the police for my kids sake, and that I had to call the police so I did. He was so freaked out and had to go through the court system for violating DV. He didn't go to jail, although he did cop a criminal record for violating a DVO, 2 year good behaviour, a restraining order and Child protection got involved because the kids had been subjected to DV. He didn't lose his job, I didn't lose the house, and he's still producing financially just as well as he was before. What he was using was a smoke screen for years. Powerless ghosts of fear and anxiety my therapist calls them. Once confronted these ghosts disappear. You're not going to ruin you both financially, and his comments about you still being the same are a ploy. He's afraid. He knows you are not the same person you were last month let alone last year. No matter what happens you'll keep growing changing and learning. He's wrong. Wishing you a happy future
Guest.
lynn:
Dear guest,
Your story gives me strength and hope. Thank you for taking the time to tell it. I am glad that you are in a better place. What is life like for you now? Are you still married? How are your kids?
I know about walking on eggshells. It's so wierd to think about the things we have done to keep our families in tact. The deals we've made with ourselves to keep it all going. I wonder why it is so difficult to see the smoke screen?
lynn
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