indecision

[write]

does anyone else who has lived with personality disorder suffer this: I am usually very capable and practical but when it comes to making big decisions about myself I freeze and cannot make a move.
It's not that I can't think things through or see a way forward, and I definitely know what would be best for me, I just find it almost impossible to act.
It's been like this since I made the mistake of returning to N and having children.

Some of it is inevitably the day-to-day pressure of living with N, and the pressure of making decisions with children, but I am wondering if it is also a symptom of stress or trauma?

I keep making a decision then putting it off, and feeling like my life is over anyway so why bother, even though I know it's not true and I enjoy life apart from the black hole of this relationship.

[rosencrantz]

Yup!  I think this is a typical symptom.  How can you make a decision when you know that whatever you decide will be used against you and/or deemed to be wrong and/or cause hositility.

The only way to handle it is to say to yourself that if you're going to be wrong whatever you decide, then you might as well choose for yourself what to do.  At least you'll be satisfied even if nobody else will be!!

Of course, we also reach a point where we think we don't know what we want because we've had so many rings run round us that we're dizzy.

And the black hole just gets bigger and bigger.

My thoughts in response to your post are : 'get out before the black hole takes over and you can't get out because you've lost your will and your spirit and your courage'.

Hugs
R

[Elizabeth]

I also go through this. I think it is because any decison I make is cause for me to be labled as; selfish, controling, insensitive, rebellious, etc.

It has only been when there are other people involved for accountability, or when I am willing to endure the accusations that I have been able to make decisions in the face of my N, and then always with the payment that is required of listening to him tell me over and over again, in various ways and sometimes even years later why I was so unthoughtful to have shown any personal resolve.

Make the decisions. If you do, the only thing you have to lose is the voice of the N telling you that you are wrong, but if you don't you will lose so very much... the worst being your very SELF.

Take care!

Elizabeth

[write]

Thanks.

One of the hardest things about a relationship with N is that I have learned not to share myself, there's little honesty and openness- which is usually to some degree important in a marriage. But I've learned it's not worth it, it doesn't work like other relationships.

I use other friendships to fill the gaps, I am so lucky to have special friends who are there for me and accepting of my situation.

Where he is I show little enthusiasm and say little of importance to me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm two people now: me and the me who pretends to be his wife.

Ironically he doesn't even notice so long as I maintain a superficial level of attention when he needs an audience, and I do the laundry and cooking!

He's getting loads of attention for his work and we've just got to the end of a rage cycle, so things will be peaceful for a few weeks, especially if I don't bother him at all.

[Portia]

Post 21

[write]

Many of the things you point out are very apt: I too have discerned narcissistic traits in other people around me and standing back from their 'feedback' has given me great insights.

I'm a very calm person, though I do get angry sometimes! Ok, not often...  
I have learned to preserve my energy, and to pursue my own life and projects independently, it was a trait learned early in life I guess.

I do recognise that there are two sides to everything, though in the anger with N-partners sometimes that gets lost...I recognise my own limitations and what I get in return for being here: I get to travel, meet very interesting people and have a variety of experiences I wouldn't without my marriage. It is that degree of freedom/ interest which I get from my otherwise unsatisfactory relationship rather than material objects.

I also have practical constraints governing my decision ( or indecision! ) to remain: depression, for which I take medication; small children; no extended family support; my immigration status...

Another big factor which I have only recently realised in full: coming from an abusive family it has taken me YEARS to learn what the 'normal' spectrum of family life is like, the home I grew up in makes my current situation seem heavenly in comparison! and it took me a long time to recognise that I am still being abused, just in different ways.

[write]

well done for getting out of your bad relationship.

[WRITE]

I went back in the forum and looked at some of my posts from before I left- really helpful to see how far I have come.

I really struggled to leave my ex didn't I, no wonder the final- divorce- step is inducing some of the same paralysis.

He and son ( for different reasons and in different ways ) are throwing all they have at me too, not to mention some of my family/ friends who don't know about the Nism and are subtly refusing to accept situation.

I haven't mentioned this but suddenly from in laws and a few old friends we're getting letters to 'mr and mrs' again!

[CB123]

edit

[Hopalong]

Im confused about dates and times on this thread, and Portia wot's Post 21 mean?

anyway, couldbe123...this may be an old thread that got retriggered for some reason.

Write, this ain't you now, is it?

Hops

[WRITE]

Write, this ain't you now, is it?

that's my point- it was me almost 3 years ago! I was trying to reassure myself how much progress I made!

Will reply to your bigger post couldbe123 later.

[Hopalong]

That is so cool, Write...
there you were, terrified on the brink.

And here's our Write...marched through, still a little singeing, but you've done WONDERFULLY!

Yay, you.

Hops

[CB123]

Hmmmm....

Looks like it was a revived thread.  I read back through it without noticing the dates.   Sorry about the confusion!

I think Write's situation triggered memories of my own.  Write, I'm glad you are in a better place this year!  It is just this kind of growth that I read about on this board that makes me feel like there are better things coming for me!

CouldBe

[WRITE]

there you were, terrified on the brink.

and here I am, er terrified and on the brink....

What if, in the process of trying to take charge of my life, I ruin it?  Then I am frozen.  I guess that's just his voice in my head--he has to rescue me from all my "stupid" decisions.

hi couldbe123

it's so undermining to have spent time with someone who took charge, took the intellectual or moral high ground, criticised....

And if you come from a family or culture with perfectionism and lack of emotional honesty it's even worse.

He was furious.  Typically narcissist, he couldnt believe that he couldnt have what he wanted just because he wanted it. 

Horrible isn't it, the rage.

It looks like you have a clear handle now on how to go forward with visitation and dealing with your ex, good luck with the next court schedule.