Write and Pb,
I decided a couple of weeks ago that I needed to start seeing my T again. I have been struggling with issues regarding my relationship with my b/f and our differing views on where we go from here and how long do we wait to decide that. I knew that my anxiety about the whole issue was beginning to affect the relationship and my own sense of self, so I knew it was time to get help.
When I met with my T last week and told him how I was feeling about things, he could really sense my frustration and impatience with the whole situation. Even though he in no way thinks I am being unreasonable in my impatience, he does see that my growing frustration and testiness will accomplish nothing. If my goal is to have a long-term relationship with this man, I need to demonstrate that I am a loving woman who could improve his life by blending it with mine, not push him into making a decision he's not ready to make, or give him a good reason to walk away by throwing out ultimatums. However, that does not mean that he gets a free pass to string me along as long as he chooses. I have to keep some control of my own destiny by giving myself some kind of end point where I lovingly let him go, so we can both go on to pursue what we actually want from a partner.
Since that first appointment last week, I have gone to both extremes in conversations with my bf regarding our future. The first one was me still expressing my frustrations and even a little anger at his reluctance to discuss our future if there is one--with him responding with his own testiness at my pushing and telling me it will only push him further away, not bring him closer. I did exactly what my T told me not to, and got exactly the results he said I would.
A few days later and after further reflection on what I discussed with my T, we had a second conversation. I started by telling him that he should not feel at all threatened by my returning to therapy. Obviously, the relationship would be discussed, but it was much more about me and what I need to do than about bashing him or finding ways to manipulate him. Quite the opposite, in fact. He thanked me for that clarification.
I then went on to tell him--and I do believe this with all my heart--that he and I share something very special. We have a relationship that most couples would kill to have, with a bond and chemistry that is rare indeed. That's not just my interpretation either. People around us, including complete strangers, comment on it all the time when they see us together. The spark that was there from our first meeting has only gotten stronger and brighter as time has gone on. I told him that I know I cannot force him to feel the same way about a permanent relationship that I do at this moment, but hopefully we could come to that within a time frame that is fair to both of us. He responded by telling me how much he loves me and does believe that it will all work out as we want it to and he also believes that we share a very special bond that would only grow stronger with time.
I guess my point in sharing this is that there are right and not-so-right ways of dealing with issues within any kind of relationship. I know that when dealing with n personalities, all rules go out the window, and for those of us raised by them, we didn't necessarily learn the right ways. But I saw the results of presenting my feelings in 2 different manners with very different results. I can already sense the benefits of being back in therapy--my anxiety has decreased and I feel more in control of the feelings which are driving that anxiety.
Brigid
