Hi Jac and all...Happy Thanksgiving to you
I just came online to escape a victimizing situation that happens around the holidays right in my home here.
My 2 eldest daughters (one N'istic, self-absorbed), ages 17 (N), and 12, decided to do Thanksgiving again this year...this means, getting up at 3 AM, preparing the turkey, potatoes, etc. My 17 years old (N) was on the phone with her boyfriend till 1 AM, so she did not wake up on time to put together all the food.
This morning, around 6:30, she came stomping up the stairs and almost ran into me in the kitchen. I said "oh nobody got up at 3:00" (not in a mean voice...just making observations, while wondering in my mind if it was too late to start doing everything and being willing to help the girls, instead of doing what they told me to do...stay in bed)
When I said "oh nobody got up at 3" N's reply was "ya think?!" (again, 17 year old)
I put some clothes on and went back to the kitchen to help my 12 year old, who was already being berated by N daughter for not knowing how to make stuffing. When I asked, "Anna, what do you want put in the stuffing?" her reply was, "I NEED THAT STUFFING NOW! WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!" I picked up the back and began reading the back of it. Anna snapped, "YOU DON'T READ THE BAG, STUPID!" So I went in the bedroom and asked my husband. He said "the instructions are on the back of the bag." I said, "Anna told me not to use the bag" His reply, "oh wellllllllll" and he rolled back over to sleep.
Meanwhile in the kitchen, Anna was ranting, so I pulled my 12 year old, Randi out of there, and told her to just "LEAVE ANNA ALONE! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE THE SCAPEGOAT FOR HER, RANDI!" Randi looked at me puzzled and said "But we have to have Thanksgiving, Mom! I have to help her with the turkey. She can't get a 25 lb turkey into a bag by herself!" I said, "Well, she pushed us all away, so LET HER DO WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO!"
Next, I went in and said to my husband, "Are you going to just LET her treat her sister and me like this? Are you going to just lay there and do NOTHING?" He had this stupid-ass grin on his face as usual...the sort of dopey, drugged-up look that guys who are moron and irresponsible, have on their faces, when they were raised to "ignore the problem and it will just go away or take care of itself"
His response, "let em fight it out. They'll work it out. It will solve itself. It always does." I became ENRAGED (putting it very mildly for someone whose thyroid level is at 912, when it should be below 21 right now)...I said "Roland, this will NOT work itself OUT! You just do not want to confront and so you are going to escape by ignoring things!" He said, "that's right. so???" I said, "You need to take your role as the husband and father and tell your daughter she has no right to speak to us in such a manner. You need to tell her she can NOT get away with being disrespectful to me and to her sister." His reply, "Dear, don't worry about it. Just let Anna handle things. You KNOW Thanksgiving has always been her thing."
I finally told him, when the tv snapped on this morning, on the timer he set for it (He is OCPD, undiagnosed officially), that he was NOT watching tv. He was NOT ESCAPING THIS! He said, "I was just laying here all morning waiting for the tv to come on, so I could watch the News." At this point, I became the punishing parent of the rotten 4 year old in the 47 year old's body, and I flicked the tv off and said "NO NEWS!" Then, I said as I walked out of the room, "Just LAY THERE AND BE THE JACKASS THAT YOU ARE!"
so anyway, that's been my Thanksgiving morning today...not sure I will even want to eat with the family, cause I am not one who pretends things are ok, when they are not ok. I do not sit at a table with biotches who have succeeded in taking control in MY KITCHEN, by their emotional TIRADES! So, we shall see, if I decide to play in this little drama, and sit there and pretend to be one happy family, when at this time, I want to kick my N-17 yr old daughter OUT OF MY HOUSE! (if you remember, she used to live with her 21 yr old sister)...well, my 21 year old decided to blow her money on booze and loose living, till my 17 -N daughter, afraid of imagine tarnish, had had enough and moved back in with US, to continue disrupting MY household where she left off before.
My 21 year old went through boyfriends and girlfriends and finally settled on the one guy she is with now...living with (which is against our beliefs, but I do not condemn her over it and try to support her as much as I can, when the rest of the family DESPISES HER)
So...what roles do I play here? Hmmm, not hard to spot them myself. I played the victim when my N-daughter yelled at me and got me out of my own kitchen. I played the victimizer toward my husband, when I turned his News off and called him a JACKASS. I played the rescuer when I grabbed my daughter Randi out of the situation.
In school we have been learning communication techniques to supposedly help communication in these situations. Honestly though, any of you who have N's in your immediate family, you KNOW that communication gets twisted by them and you end up the wounded scapegoat in the end, with everyone turning on YOU for being the BAD guy. So, I have learned, the best communication with an N, is VIRTUALLY NOOOOOOOOOOOO COMMUNICATION!
~Thanks for the post, Jac, and I'm sorry if this seemed off-topic a bit. Right now, this board is my lifeline of SANITY!
~Laura
