Hi Rojo,
Doesn't this type of attempt, especially by your mother, at undermining your emotional health and relatonships burn you up. And that's not good for you. Rosencrantz is right about laughter being good for you. And reflection is, fortunately, invaluable too.
My mother does this type of thing that you recount, make up awful stories to whoever will listen.
I read a book years ago called 'Coping with Criticism'. The process which it presented was simple and effective, and represented criticism as a stone to sharpen a knife.
1. Disregard who dished out the criticism, it usually comes from people who don't like us anyway. People who really care about us try not to.
2. Give the criticism some reflection and thought, guilt-free if possible.
3. Establish in your mind if there is any truth to it or not.
4. If there is no truth, disregard the criticism, and state to the other person that you reject what they said, that have given it consideration and found it to be nonsense, or a misunderstanding or whatever.
5. If there is some truth in it, use it as a positive stroke and step for self-improvement, and thank the other person for pointing it out, you are now a better person for it.
Simple enough, but I've added one more ingredient to the formula when dealing with my mother who is a 7th Dan Narcissist. Never let them get away with it if they try to infect an important member of your support network. NMther was always doing this down through the years, bagging me out to my friends and family, her friends, the milkman, the hairdresser, you name it. And I usually wanted to avoid the horrendous 'Elizabeth Taylor in Who's Afraid of Virginia W' scenes that followed if I dared question her. I used to talk about it with the 'informant', friends etc. But in denying, burning, stewing, resenting, containing etc it would affect my physical and mental health until eventually I managed to get over it somehow, till the next time.
The last time, 7 years ago was different. Mother came to stay and it didn't take long before she was up to her old tricks. We hadn't seen her for 5 years before that. She told my young daughter, who had just finished primary school at the time, some ridiculous stories about me that were complete imaginings. So preposterous they were, I was shocked, and she had stopped shocking me a long before. My daughter, who was obviously very upset came into my bedroom and told me things nana had said to her about me. I asked my mother to come downstairs to my office. She did, and I stated to her matter-of-factly that my daughter had told me the things she'd been saying about me. I said what they were, I'd written them down. She denied it all of course, and even called my daughter a liar. She said things like, "Now your daughter is just like you, a liar", (her only grandaughter) attempted to go into history and re-write it, which is something N's do very well. She worked hard to draw me in on an argument and was madly pushing every button that had ever worked in the past, without success. I stayed completely focused, like a sniper, and continued to repeat "I'm not getting drawn into that now, I want to know why you said thus, thus, and thus." I totally resisted arguing with her and being led off track, for first time ever, successfully.
I simply repeated her comments back to her many times and stated that;
1. Her comments were completely inappropriate for a young girl to hear, and that they were lies also.
2. I believed my daughter, she was not lying
3. She could stay so long as she apologised to my daughter, and I had a commitment from her to cease with the mind games.
She said no, she should leave, at which point she expected me to cave and say, "No mum, that's not what I want. I want us to be friends." Which is what I had always done in the past. But this time I said "Fine, and organised her ticket out of town for the very next day. I also cautioned her to behave for the next 24 hours when she was in front of my children and she did, to what I know was the best of her ability.
I still wonder how I did it, being alone in a room with this woman who frightened me, and how I managed to stay so calm. I was 4 weeks off having a baby, and was dealing with a husband with NPD. Anyway, MotherDearest rode out of town on her broomstick the next day and I haven't seen or heard from her since. And as Edith sings, I have no regrets.
Often the people like your husband, who N's say this stuff about you to, don't want to be quoted. Your husband may have told you what she said, but he may not want you to say anything to her. Mainly because he doesn't want to get dragged into the ring. Well too bad, he is dragged in. She dragged him in by his non-response. Did he correct her, or dare I say, defend you, knowing that you've had to put up with crap like this before. It would have been nice if he had said something to her at the time, like, "Who are you talking about, because the person you're describing is nothing like my wife." A long time friend of mine defended me in such a way a few years ago when my Nhusband made a ridiculous accusation and comment about me when we were all out to dinner for my birthday. He tried to let one fly, to belittle me in front of my friends. My friend said "Who are you talking about, because you're certainly not talking about your wife, I should know, I've known her longer than you have." My Nhusband was left feeling quite embarassed. But I felt good, and it didn't ruin my night at all.
Maybe hubby could learn this technique as as support mechanism. Then what she said probably wouldn't have bothered you greatly. If everyone played their part, wouldn't life be wonderful. This is real support in action.
"Don't come home and just tell me what she said, come home and tell me what you said."
Take care
pp
