Digging out the roots

[Screamer]

I'm new to this forum, but have benefited from reading all your posts and words of wisdom.  I would like to share a little about me what is going on in my life.  If anyone has any insights that can help me make sense of the insanity, I would be grateful.


I grew up in a very abusive home.  My father was an alcoholic, a drug addict, a paranoid schizophrenic and a sexual abuser.  My mother was emotionally and verbally abusive.  She was an angel compared to my father so I always thought of her as "the good one."  I had one brother, the emperor of the house.  My father was very distant from him, but fairly kind when he was around.  My mother catered to my brother and treated him like gold.  I was alone.  I was an orphan surounded by family.  

I was told I was nothing.  My father once pointed to a bag of garbage and said "that's what you are on the inside."  He said I was a waste of time and money, and he would put his energies into my brother.  My mother didn't say these things directly, but she treated me as if they were true.

Over the years I have come to terms with being sexually assulted and verbally battered by my father.  But my mother, that's something else.  

My father has been dead now for many years and even when he was alive he was not part of my life.  He died before I could confront him about the rape, etc.  My mother lives 2 miles away from me.  I wish I could make it 2000 miles.  

Recently, I met and married a wonderful man.  He is gentle and kind, and everything I could have ever wished for.  During the engagement I made one final attempt to reach out to my mother.  To try to get her to be there, be a mom, treat me like I was important or worth while at all.  I asked her to be my maid of honor.  What a stupid mistake that was.

Her behavior during my engagement was the last straw.  I have forever given up hope that she will ever be loving parent or even treat me like I was a human being.  I'm just a dog to her.  A dog she can order around and command to fetch.  She wants me to approach her with me ears back, and whimper for her ever elsuive approval.

I haven't spoken to her in over a year.  I can't take it anymore.  I feel that if I let her back into my life, she will finally drive me to suicide.  I would rather die than have her back in my life.

But my husband and I want to have children.  Do I really have the right to keep her out of her grandchildren's lives.  I don't want my daughters to be the next abused girls in my family.  

My mother was raped by her brother and beaten by her mother.
My grandmother was beaten and abused by her mother.
My great grandmother by her brothers and sisters.
And then there is me...

Someone has to stop it.  Someone has to say enough. But my children aren't at risk of being beaten or abused by my mother.  I can't say I would be trying to protect them.  I am only trying to protect me.  

Someone please tell me I have the right to protect me...

[surf14]

HI Screamer; I couldn't agree more! You have more than a right to keep your mother out of your life to protect yourself; you're obligated to protect your children. Your mother apparently has never acted in a way that you would be able to trust would insure your offspring's safety.  In order to stop the generational sickness you will have to insure it is surgically removed.  I came across this exerpt on an N -website and it kind of broadsided me.  Wanted to send it to you for your consideration:  
   

"Sexual abuse can be interpreted as an extreme form of projective identification, a primitive defence mechanism. The abuser gets in touch with his weaker, needier, younger, immature, dependent, helpless part - the part that he derides, hates and fears - by having sex with a child. A child is weak, and needy, and young, and immature, and dependent, and helpless. Having sex with a child is a mode of communication. The abuser connects to these areas in himself that he abhors, holds in contempt, loathes, and is terrified of, the fault lines of his precariously balanced personality.

The child is forced to play these parts - neediness, dependence, helplessness - by the abuser. The sexual act is an act of auto-erotic narcissism (especially between a parent and his off-spring), an act of having intercourse with one's self. But it also an act of cruel subjugation and submission, a sadistic act of humiliation. The abuser symbolically humbles these parts in himself that he hates, through the agency of the abused child. Sex is to the abuser an instrument of dominance, a transformation of extreme aggression directed at the abuser's self but through a child.

The more "stereotypical" the child - the more "valuable" (appealing) it is to the abuser. If not helpless, needy, weak, dependent, and submissive - the child loses his or her value and function.
"
7. Punishing Evil

As far as abuse is concerned, there is no relative morality, or mitigating circumstances.
Abusers are NEVER right. They should ALWAYS be punished and severely.
YOU are never to blame. You are not responsible, not even partly.
We do not punish evil people. We punish evil deeds.
We do not lock people up ONLY when they are evil. We more often lock them up when they are dangerous.
You should start not by learning to love.
You should start by learning to HATE.
Learn to hate properly, unabashedly, openly. Flaunt it.

You will then be able to love yourself - but not before.

To my mind, the OVERRIDING emotion is GRIEF because it is a spectrum and one colour in the spectrum is shame. But it is not terribly important as long as you are capable of feeling them all. "  
                                                                                                              I'll repeat again the phrase that stopped me my tracks:

"You should start not by learning to love.
YOU SHOULD START BY LEARNING TO HATE."

Now, these are very strong, if not controversial, words but the author states it is a prerequisite for freedom in finding oneself after being abused and raised by N parents.   Perhaps its worth consideration since we are conditioned to seek our N parents love no matter how they treat us.  Am interested in hearing from others on this as well.   Surf14

[seeker]

Dear Screamer,

Your story takes my breath away.  Of course you want your children to be safe!

I can only really meaningfully respond to this need.  You may want to speak to a family law expert or appropriate counsellor to pre-empt any "grandparent rights" they may throw at you if things get complicated in the future.  Sort of an insurance policy to know exactly what your legal rights are before you need to know.  You might even want to just print out what you've written here so whoever you speak to (confidentially) knows what you are up against if things get ugly when you hold your ground.

Hope this helps.  You absolutely have the right to decide who you feel safe around and trust your children with!  Be well, Seeker

[lynn]

Hi screamer,

I believe that all people have responsibility in life.  They are responsible for their actions and behaviors.  It's through their resposibility (or love or respect) that they earn certain things.

What I am really trying to say is that your mom doesn't automatically have the "right" to see your kids simply because she is the "grandparent."  She earns the right to see your kids through her actions.  If you feel that her actions don't justify seeing your children, then as a good mother (your first priority) you have every right to make that choice.  

If when your kids are grown, they want to meet grandma... then they can do it at that time.  They will have so many more tools to deal with life.

just my opinion
all the best,
lynn

[Anonymous]

Hi screamer,

I can say yes to what lynn and the others said and really can't add anymore at the moment except to say that if you look at the index you'll see there are 2 forums here. This one and the other one for posting information that has helped people. The last entry on the other one was by a poster called clj and she gave a website in there called CONTROLLING PARENTS. I went to this and found it very useful and informative.

Might be worth a look.

Guest

[Screamer]

Dear all,

Thank you so much for your responses.  I am very appreciative.  I got a lot from reading your posts.  

I think I've been silent so long, that now I feel like screaming all the time, but it still seems like no one can really hear me.  (At least until I found this board.)

My husband is the most wonderful man alive.  He really tries to see the truth about my family, but sometimes I'm afraid my mother can pull the wool over his eyes.  Not long ago we went to visit my grandparents.  They are my father's parents and I never told them about what he did.  My grandmother is usually critical, and a even a little mean, but not this time.  My whole family bends over backwards to look so wonderful in public.  

The truth is always hard to see.  Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my truth.  I really needed to just be acknowledged and I am very grateful to all of you.

Thank you!

[Flo]

Dear Screamer,

I like your user name.  I was a screamer most of my life!!!!!  Until I got on medication, and by that time my dad had Alzheimer's Disease and was pretty harmless; and I was out of 3 abusive marriages, too.  Plus now I have therapy, etc etc.  But when my family really pushes my buttons, I still scream.  It just isn't for 6 hours straight, like it used to be.

Anyway, I read through all the posts in your thread, but I didn't see anything about either your legal rights or your mother's legal rights (or your future children's legal rights, via you).  I hope someone can help you along those lines, because maybe legal issues will come up.  I know grandparents sometimes will use the law to get access to their grandchildren.

Your story moves me very much.  But you are strong now, and I am so happy for you that you have had the wonderful fortune to find a man who is so fine.  It took me many relationships, and until age 61, to find such a man. But he's here!! I didn't think they really existed!! I found out they did, though, through an e-pal in Britain who has one!!!! God has blessed the good men, and I thank Him for all of those men who love us who care for them -- they treat us like precious gold and we treat them the same.

Flo