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Effects of growing up with N... Parent?

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Philski44:
Am currious about others who have grown up with a N... parent.  My father clearly has all the symptoms and I feel like Im still dealing with post tramatic stress disorder from the experience.  Self-esteem, image, and sense of healthy boundaries have been dramatically affected.  Part of this was from my fathers alcoholism, but he has been sober for over 30 years now.  The N symptoms seem even worse than the past alcoholism.
Thanks.... :?:

seeker:
Hi Philski,

Welcome...are you Phil and do you ski? or is it an eastern european thing? :D  Sorry noone has responded yet...I hesitate because I have been quite vocal this week.

Anyway, yes, many here have N parents.  We seem to be featuring spouses this week...my dad is N.  I wish I had seen it sooner.  I was naive and blind.  His particular flavor of Nness is emotional unavailability mixed with a few shots of shaming and occasional verbal abuse when we were not on the straight and narrow.  Otherwise, happy days!

I know what you mean about  PTSD.  Although I do not have that clinically speaking, I read a site that described what happened to me later in life (due to my dad's conditioning of us kids) as a psychiatric injury.  I was basically verbally bullied in my younger years by male family members.  Later, I was subjected to much character assassination by a very close (geographically speaking) family member.

Do you have a current situation you are wrestling with?  Self-knowledge, "divorce" from a family member or group? There may not be many replies here since the inquiry was fairly general.  Feel free to tell your story in detail, and folks will come around.  Also be sure to read the articles here and other threads.  Keywords: Queen, Hell, crazy, you get the idea...

If you feel funky plunging in, lurk a while and you will find many fellow ACONs.  Best, Seeker

Anonymous:
Hi Philski44

A relationships counsellor I saw years ago in relation to my N parent told me that agressive controlling parents, I guess they sort of fit the N profile in so many ways, do actually produce a Stress Disorder in their children and that the children suffer from things like panic attacks and high anxiety as a result, which affects them teribly at school and when they grow up. He told me that the anxiety for example that kids feel when their parents are fighting in front of them is similar in severity to what soldiers on the battle field experience. People around them are being destroyed an destroying each other and they get paralysed in fear, and hide and get busy and turn up the radio if they can, you know what I mean. They eventually try to block it out, grog, drugs you name it. He said if kids go through a childhood of witnessing and receiving severe anger abuse and manipulation etc when they leave home they can have as serious a case as PTSD as severe any returned vet experiences. He claimed he'd seen it first hand, the outcome was the same for both. He gave me a heap of material to read at the time and I was able to learn why I had panic attacks whenever my parents name came up. For me it's been a long hard road but I'm getting there with good relationships and learning to trust and love. And an exceptionally good therapist and being patient with myself. But PTSD is an awful thing to have and I wish you all the best. I read somewhere here and I can' t think where but someone recommended a site that had lots of good information on this subject. I'll try to find it and post it to you. Maybe someone else will know some good books.

Guest

Anonymous:
I am not sure either of my prents had NPD.  But my mom in particular had some self absorbed tendancies... probably my dad too.  I always give him a better rap.  I took responsibility for their feelings as a child.           I was (am) voiceless...
I have noticed something strage about myself and I wonder if it has to do with growing up with self-absorbed parents.  
I am 22 and most strangers think I am between 12 and 15.  People who know me are very protective of me.  Sometimes on answering machines and on the telephone I am mistaken for a child.
Not very many people take me seriously. (even though I have an old soul)  So, I often feel invisible.  I guess the advantage is that I relate well to children and other people who society deems invisible. I am told that treating people with dignity and respect is rare.
I find this odd, because none of this is a result of behavior that I am aware of.  Isn't that odd?
I have a better sense of boundries now and am growing in self confidence.   Now I am married to a man with N tendancies to say the least.  I have to make a pretty big effort not to be absorbed by him.

Another affect of being invisible and afraid of being absorbed.  I keep wishing I was single.  It's strange because I am the envy of ALL of my peers  who want nothing more to be married.  It's not just that I don't want to be married to my husband right now. I don't want to be married to anyone ever.  Maybe the same theme of freedom over friendship... Maybe the grass is just greener on the other side.  Maybe both!  Nonetheless, I am married and I am trying to define my power and boundries in the marriage.

just some thoughts on the sjubject.
jskravill

Gingerpeach:
Dear Sjkravill,

You said,


--- Quote ---"I keep wishing I was single. It's strange because I am the envy of ALL of my peers who want nothing more to be married. It's not just that I don't want to be married to my husband right now. I don't want to be married to anyone ever."
--- End quote ---


Despite your protests, what I am hearing you say is that you really DON'T want to be married to your husband right now.  

We can only know how we feel NOW, because we are in that exact moment and are actually feeling it.  We may also remember and evoke past feelings.  But it is impossible to KNOW how we will feel in the future, simply because we are not yet in that future moment and have not yet lived those collective moments that have led us there.

For me, it seems that I feel certain things because of events that I am experiencing.  The events and the conditions evoke feelings in me.  These are sometimes easily predictable.....if I am in a freezer, I will feel cold.  If someone treats me badly, I will feel hurt or angry and not want to be with that person.

So, when I hear you say that you don't want to be married to anyone ever, what I really hear is that, right now being with this husband is so painful, that if this is what marriage is like, you can't imagine EVER wanting to be married to anyone ever.  

As for being the "envy of your peers" for being married.....well, just because everyone loves chocolate doesn't mean YOU have to, especially if vanilla is more to your liking.  

And....they are not living in the marriage with your husband..... YOU are!!  Do you think that they would be envious if they were feeling what you are feeling?  I think that your peers may be envious of the IDEA of being married, not the ACTUALITY of your marriage.   Whatever.....the fact of THEIR envy is not a particularly good reason for YOU to do anything.  Only YOU know what is good and feels good for you.

Keep feeling your feelings Sjkravill.  They don't lie to you and they will guide you to what is right for you.  

Gingerpeach

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