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Effects of growing up with N... Parent?

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Philski44:
Thanks for the support and insight.  I will certainly keep coming back here to learn more about something I've apparently lived with all my life.  This is another huge piece to my recovery puzzle.

lynn:

--- Quote from: Guest ---Another affect of being invisible and afraid of being absorbed. I keep wishing I was single. It's strange because I am the envy of ALL of my peers who want nothing more to be married. It's not just that I don't want to be married to my husband right now. I don't want to be married to anyone ever.

--- End quote ---


Listen to your own feelings.  For me the tricky part of truely seeing my marriage was validating my own feelings.  The relationship was not SO obviously bad that I could justify leaving..... and yet, it was confusing and unfulfilling.  

Now, my eyes are open.  I see so much more and I realize that the feeling of "I want to be single and not married to anyone"  was, for me, a wakeup call.

lynn

Anonymous:
Lynn and Gingerpeach,
perhaps both of you are right...  
Part of me wants to say thank you for reminding me of the truth, and another part is just not ready to accept it.  In fact, I have had to cut down on the frequency with which I check this site because thinking about all of this is interfering with my ability to compartmentalize, which I desparately need.

I really am confused... because this is not physical abuse or an affair, or even overt emotional abuse.
My husband can be so charming and sweet.  He may be twisted at times, but he's not a monster.  In the spirit of Lent, I keep having this image of calvary, thinking to myself, "marriage is not the hill I want to die on."  Often I feel like I am sacraficing myself to stay together with him.  But often it's not really that bad...  Sometimes he is fun and thoughtful.  In fact, he has told me he wants to be a good husband...  Maybe it is all too familiar...

I am still discerning.  Everything is a cost benefit analysis (as my businessman husband would put it). Leaving is too frightening for me right now.  Facing the end would be a loss of hope, in a way.  There are too many practical and emotional costs involved.  

So, for now, I have changed my behavior to not respond to behavior from him that is self-centered, sadistic, insidious, disrespectful (though it is really hard when he is sad or mad because my instinct is to fix it).  I have been able to disconnect my self esteem from him, at least significantly...  I am hoping that he will get the point.  Words don't work with him, but I am still hoping that behavior will....  I don't know how much this (staying) will cost or be of benefit in the long run. That's frightening too.  I don't know for how long I will hold on to this hope...  Thoughts of being unmarried are like breathing new air... (when I don't think about what it would cost)

I hope the clarity and the courage will come to me.   Either way, it is (would be) an uphill battle. How did you know it had to end, and that you would survive the devistation of that?

wow!  I always write so much more than I intend... thanks for letting me be honest.
Peace,
sjkravill

rosencrantz:
I think, in this situation, you need to face your own demons before you can face the demons within the marriage.

If you fear the aloneness, the abandonment, the endings and new beginnings, how can you help yourself become independent?  What would signify independence?  What first step could you take?  

eg making your own money; being alone for a period of time...

Just test it out, push your comfort zone in little baby steps.

When YOU feel strong, you'll be able to do what you know is right.

I recognise how you feel.

Take care
R

Gingerpeach:
Kudos to you Rosenkrantz, absolutely you must "face your own demons" first.  and really the first of those is the realization that, on some level, you are being/feeling like you are being abused.  It sounds so simple but that part was very difficult for me, especially when my N was so good at convincing me that I wasn't!!

Sjkravill,  I don't think that anyone here would "tell" you that you "should" leave your husband.  And I understand the part about being overwhelmed with the information and understanding on this board.  So many have felt that they were the only ones to live in such craziness.  So sad that there are so many of us and so wonderful that there are so many that are becoming aware and taking step to remove themselves from the abuse.

As Rosenkrantz said, "baby steps."   Just starting to understand narcissism is extremely painful and disorienting.  As for not coming here regularly, we are here when you need us.

To answer your question, it took me a year and a half to actually leave my N, after discovering  that he was an N.  One day it just became crystal clear and from then on all of my energy was focused on leaving and my recovery.  My family and my friends were a great support.  After I finally did leave, they confessed that it took everything in them NOT to tell me to GET OUT a long time ago.  But they let me discover it in my own time, which is as it should be because then it comes from inside of you.

Also, I needed to get strong enough to actually do it.  The things that you are working on, like being aware of boundaries and setting them are wonderful steps.  If your husband can change his behavior, that is great.  My N's behavior changed somewhat too, but I soon realized that the abuse just became more subtle. He really was a verbal magician.  He seemed "nicer" but really he had not changed at all, he was just more careful.

What I found and others have also expressed, is that once you learn about narcissism, you won't unlearn it.  Kind of like refolding a brand new map, it's never quite perfectly flat ever again.  If he truly is an N, it will keep jumping out at you.  I have become very vigilant, probably too much so. But the pendulum will swing back.  

So, do whatever is comfortable for you, that's the best way to live life anyway, narcissism or not.   And come back and tell us how you are doing evey now and then.

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