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Effects of growing up with N... Parent?

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Anonymous:
Ok, here I am, back sooner than I thought I would be.  But what's the harm in it if my N is engaging his "soft" addiction (video games) right now... and I am alone? I am doing the best I can to face this when I can.  I thank you for being understanding and supportive.

I was just reflecing on both of your posts.  Yes, I have to face my own demons.  I have to learn that I don't owe anyone an explanation... that I don't have to be perfect or please everybody... that I can be totally self-sufficient... etc. I do enjoy being home alone when he is on business.  One of my problems is that about a year and a half ago we moved 17 hours away from our friends and family. We are in a college/business town so most of my new friends/acquaintences are transient.  I feel more isolated here than I would at home... not his intent.  He does not want to come out and make friends with me, but I do my best to make friends without him.  I also live in a conservative area where one doesn't talk about problems in marriage/family... much less the "D" word.  I digress.

I think in learning about narcissism, (and reading others experiences here) I have become more aware of N tendancies in my husband's behavior, and my experience has been validated. (which is also somewhat frightening).  I do worry that my husbad will only get better at his craft of manipulation etc...  and it will be even more difficult for me to articulate/detect.
However, in recent conversations he has expressed his deep frustration with my boundries.  Of course, I try to explain/reason with him.  (I have not yet learned the utter pointlessness in that!!!!)  And he indicates that he may just say, "**** it!' and that will be it."  (he has threatened to leave me more overtly before, but I called his bluff.) So, maybe, if I keep setting boundries, he will leave me.  I am so ashamed to say that on some level it would be a bit of a relief if he did.  However, I know I can't hedge my bets... still gathering strength and truth.
Thank you ever so much for sharing yours.
sjkravill

Anonymous:

--- Quote ---he has expressed his deep frustration with my boundries.
--- End quote ---


Two reactions : 'So?' and 'Well, of course he will'.  Boundaries deny him what he wants and keeps you sane and healthy.  Every time you feel guilty, he's making you feel guilty about putting your own needs first.  In the N context, the victim has to learn to put their own needs first.  In time, he'll probably turn it around and tell you that you are being N for doing so but it's NOT TRUE - it's just more manipulation.  


--- Quote ---So, maybe, if I keep setting boundries, he will leave me.
--- End quote ---


Who knows?  But knowing Ns, I doubt it.

More importantly :


--- Quote ---I am so ashamed to say that on some level it would be a bit of a relief if he did.
--- End quote ---


Why 'ashamed' - Glory in the fact that you know where the healthy option lies!!  If you're thinking in terms of Divorce=Bad, just think in terms of Sanity=Good.

In the meantime, work on developing your social network - one that works without him.  You don't need a joint social network.  Pretend you are single again (I don't mean dating) - join things, go places regularly - it'll build up over time.  He'll probably feel threatened by it so no need to discuss it at home.

But just do it!! :)
R

Anonymous:
One of the things that stand out to me about successful marriages is they often seem to involve a certain amount of compromise This is inevitable when 2 different people join together, with different families, jobs, lifestory's and needs. But nowhere, EVER should this compromise come at the cost of either party's dignity or self-respect. The union should if anything enhance those aspects of each other's character and life. this to me is the acid test.

Guest

Anonymous:
One of the things that stand out to me about successful marriages is they often seem to involve a certain amount of compromise

I think this is true of any long-term relationship, but I read somewhere recently that the biggest factor on having a happy life is choice of partner.

Discounted Girl:
Just posting a note -- on some health network tv show they were talking about how to enjoy a long and healthy life and one of the top requirements is to have close and loving relationships with family members and the more the better. There was a video of an elderly lady in a wheelchair with her family around here. It was not a fake looking "let's suck up to granny" picture, but looked like they were all just sitting around talking and laughing, enjoying each others company. I also read today that statistics show that depressed people have more heart ailments than others. This stress and strife caused to others is just so wrong. It sure is nice though when I see a happy family with a little girl skipping along, safe and secure with her parents.

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