Dear Sjkravill,
First, I am very respectful of your courage in posting. I have lurked for almost two years here and this is only my second post.
Like Portia, I too got the "shiver of recognition" when you spoke of "not being able to sleep through the night with him in the same bed." And other things you spoke of sounded so similar to my experience, it overrode my hesitance in posting. I am glad for you that you are questioning these things after only a short time being married. I wish that I had paid more attention to the questions that I had, the feelings that I had, and had talked about it with others.
I was married for five years to a man who had very similar behaviors. When we married, I was a pretty happy-go-lucky kind of person. I had dear friends and, not perfect, but physical and emotional health. After five years, I metamorphosed into a fearful, anxious, shell. Also 30 lbs. heavier! And after only five years.....
This did not happen overnight. But I do remember one of the first things that I did notice and that was the inability to sleep through the night with him. I also applaud your recognition of the fact that he finds pleasure in inducing an anxious response in you. I did not even recognize then that this is what was happening to me. I only knew something wasn't right.
So the sleeplessness was the beginning. And this alone is extremely unhealthy. After that came the loosening of some teeth due to clenching my jaw in my sleep. And after that came "carpal elbow syndrome" from clenching my hands and arms very tightly up close to my body in my sleep. Very painful. See how all of these were "in my sleep?"
You see, even though during the waking hours I could rationalize many of his behaviors, at night my body was telling me something different. Be afraid, protect yourself, you are in danger! That is what these types of bodily responses were. These things that he does that make you anxious provoke the "flight or fight" response in your body. While this is natural and helpul for real emergencies, it is very unhealthy when it occurs often and for extended periods. Read up on this. This man can make you very sick.
I did finally leave my N. But not before I was medicated to the hilt to keep the panic attacks at bay. My sleep time ran out of responses so my body just said, " Hey, wake up girl! Here are some daytime responses that you can't ignore!!." Have you ever had panic attacks? Very very yucky !!!! You're just sure that you are going to die. I never had those before N either.
So, I finally realized just how toxic he was. It was like being in a poisonous cloud that I couldn't find my way out of. Again, this happened very slowly. One anxious moment at a time. And even when I could see a bit of what was happening and I would request that he change his behavior, like your husband.....he wouldn't.
If someone loves you, or even just likes or respects you, they do not deliberately do things that make you uncomfortable, unhappy or unhealthy, especially after you have informed them that they do.
One quote from an N 'victim' that I read on another site said something about "how Ns install a mental filter in our heads a little at a time until every thing we think or say or do goes through this filter and until we un-install the filter, we are still more or less controlled by them. "
I left my N almost a year ago (this Saturday will be a year. Yay!!! Hooray!!) and I am still grappling with the filter. I'm getting better though at recognizing it and shrugging it off, but it's not completely gone yet.
But I am sleeping through the night almost every single night. Those nights that I don't is because I have an occasionally noisy neighbor! I only wear the mouth guard sometimes and the "carpal elbow" is completely gone. I even stopped the anti-axiety meds. Deep breathing helps when I get twinges (usually after an email from N.) Would that I never had these things to get cured from! I am in therapy too, in order to understand why I would stay with someone so harmful.
So, like Portia, I see you thinking and caring about him more than yourself or your health even. This is the filter!! Think about him first always, not you. Is not your sleep, your health important? I fear that this may be only the beginning of more symptoms.
This is why I have posted. I am seeing myself five years ago. Kind of like rewinding the video, you know? You need to be very aware of what your body is telling you. It may be telling you things that your mind isn't ready to look at. This is how it was with me. Finally, I looked with my mind and my heart too.
So Sjkravill, good for you that you are seeing these things and questioning them and more importantly questioning them out loud here at this site!! That I think was the missing piece for me, the sharing with others. The validation. Ns like to keep you separated from those that will validate your instincts. This increases the strength of the filter because there is no offsetting force. Sjkravill, does he try to control your time and or your contact with friends and family?
Please stay in touch here Sjkravill, I truly am worried for you.
Gingerpeach
