Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
extended family issues grrrrr.
Discounted Girl:
yep --- mourning the loss of something you never had sure is difficult. You can't reach out and grab anything, not even an essence left over from something that vanished.
That is quite a wonderful poem posted above, thank you. I have also often wondered how it could be that a lot of us turned out to be so sensitive and attuned to the feelings of others, paying attention to their comfort levels -- quite a lovely set of attributes if practiced in moderation. Maybe it's the result another quote I saw on another thread last week. Pardon me, but I cannot remember who posted it, but thank you. It said:
Suffering nourishes compassion.
surf14:
Hi Discounted Girl and Guest; I had posted the quote by Thich Nhat Hanh which states "suffering nourshes compassion". It came from his book "Peace is Every Step" He talks about having compassion for the ones who abused us as they were also abused. Intellectually I know this is true but emotionally I have trouble with it because one still has free will to choose how to act and if you know how painful the abuse was for you, why pass it on? I think Thich's quote explains tho for those of us who were abused, but developed sensitive and caring dispositions, how this comes to be.
Guest; "I always want to be the sensible, sane member of the family who finds answers and helps the others. Why? there has to be a big ego- reward for such thankless output." I really don't think its the ego reward you're looking for but more likely a desire to take the misery and dis-ease in the family and make it right and healthy; isn't that what love and caring are? There is always the fantasy, that our families and those we love can really change and finally be healthy the way it was lt meant to be. You're probably the healthiest one in the family so how could you not want to save then from their illness? The unfortunate thing is to realize that you can't do this for them; ultimately if one is to bow out of the dance I guess it requires acceptance of the way things are and the fact that you can't save them. So unfortunate!!! I empathize more than I care to admit. Aloha
rosencrantz:
--- Quote ---I always want to be the sensible, sane member of the family who finds answers and helps the others. Why?
--- End quote ---
Why? Because there's nobody else around to take that role in your family - and then it becomes a habit. Your're making an unsafe world a safe place for others and, ultimately, yourself.
Try not to use this awareness to put yourself down (eg criticise for ego trip). I think this kind of realisation is an important 'stage' in moving on. It can be a skill and you can still use it if you can bring in some 'humility'.
Take care.
R
Anonymous:
You're probably the healthiest one in the family so how could you not want to save then from their illness?
thanks. no one ever stated that before.
It's true, the irony being that they think I'm mad! for not seeing things as they do.
It can be a skill and you can still use it if you can bring in some 'humility'.
yes, I do use it all the time, here's an example. I made a new friend at a conference recently, she was giving a talk and made that common mistake of handing out papers then reading them to us, it was clear she was nervous. I decided to help her out & threw out several questions I knew she was passionate about ( we had met before ) then everyone joined in a fantastic discussion instead of sitting feeling bored and patronised at being read to. She thanked me afterwards.
Someone once said to me years ago that I 'build bridges' and its true, and I have friends all over the world for it, its brought many things to my life.
The reason maybe I call it an ego-trip is because if I told that story to dad, h or sister they would see it as one, I clearly haven't got their negative feedback out of my head yet.
I have friends who give me great feedback, but not a family member and not so far a partner.
When I do occasionally meet a man who wants to get to know me in ways my partner doesn't I still feel obligated to the marriage. So more work there, my therapy sessions are very busy!
sagepilon:
My mother has Borderline, Narcissistic PD. My brother is always telling me that I'm mean to our mother because I choose not to deal with her. I don't talk to her anymore or let her see my son either. I totally understand how you feel.
I think my brother deals with her because he feels guilty. I no longer feel guilty. I agree with you- she also stresses me out. I think it's more healthy to set boundaries for my own emotional survival.
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