Supply

[sea storm]

hanging on to the Narcissist is really something that I think of as being hard wired into me. My mom was an N and I learned at an early age to try to get her to acknowledge me. I think that is one reason that I find it next to impossible to resist the urges to try to get it right with Mr. N. It will never be OK because he takes pleasure and power in destabilizing me. It is a deadly dance. I have sworn off contacting him since I phoned him and got a tongue lashing and felt humiliated. I was trying to tell him some important information about our separation and he accused me of making Agony calls. Agony calls. That stung.
I never did get to tell him what he needed to know.
I don't think the addiction to Mr. N. is about him anymore. It is about me and my conditioning to want love and empathy from someone who is NEVER going to give it. Not because I am unloveable but because he just cant give love and caring.

Sea Storm

[Hopalong]

Not because I am unloveable but because he just cant

yes yes YES

Bravo, Sea.

((((((Sea))))))

Hops

[axa]

Seastorm,

Absolutly,  this is how I feel also.  I guess people who have had a "normal" upbringing would walk but I too keep on in there.  Full of hope, maglignant hope!!  i agree it is not about the N it is about our desperate need to be seen and loved by the N.  I think it is so enormous to believe that someone you love does not care at all for you that we refuse to believe it.  The Ns behaviour TELLS us time and time again that they do not care yet we refuse to believe it until we hit rock bottom. 


Occasionally I tell myself it was not that bad but it WAS.  This time last year the games were in full flight.  I was ill, I was near a breakdown, I could not eat or sleep and he just left me to get on with it.  He did not care.  He tried to pull the same games this year but I said NO and found the courage to throw him out of my lfie.  AS with any addiciton I think it is just a day at a time and that is what I am trying to do.  I thnk it important to hold onto the lows, of which there were so many and forget the highs.  I came to realise that when there was a rush of "love" it was followed by a particulariy cruel game, I was being set up. 

I think of the word "grooming" and this applies to my situation.

axa

[CB123]

Jade,

I think you're right.  It is a grass is greener perspective.  I know that it would be very hard to be where you are, and very discouraging if you didnt see a solution.

I get frustrated because I would like some alone time.  People make suggestions, ask me out to lunch, etc. and I hardly take them up on it.  It's so hard to get out of my rut--even though I am sick of never being able to unwind and to have no one to take care of.  But it feels somehow unnatural to do anything about it, so I dont.

So, I'm not going to make any simplistic suggestions about how to change your life.  I know that there are a lot of things that go into your situation that I dont know anything about.  It is so discouraging to get a pep talk when you still have things to process in order to do life any other way.

Just know that we are here to listen and give you a shoulder to cry on.  And I will still pray that you will have a wonderful Christmas in some very unexpected ways.

CB

[Stormchild]

I think it is so enormous to believe that someone you love does not care at all for you that we refuse to believe it.  The Ns behaviour TELLS us time and time again that they do not care yet we refuse to believe it until we hit rock bottom.

This is it, this is the absolute center of it, this is what keeps us hooked and sinking...

AS with any addiciton I think it is just a day at a time and that is what I am trying to do.  I thnk it important to hold onto the lows, of which there were so many and forget the highs.  I came to realise that when there was a rush of "love" it was followed by a particulariy cruel game, I was being set up. 

I think of the word "grooming" and this applies to my situation.

axa

Axa, I have no doubt in my mind that abusers know what they are doing, either consciously or subconsciously, and that they do definitely 'groom' us to accept being abused.

It's particularly hard to struggle with this during the holidays... but remember your own wise words:

If I let go of the SHOULD what I have is a lovely home with no abuse, no waiting, no walking on eggshells, no anxiety that someone will call that XN does not like, no wondering when he is going to leave, no anxiety................ this is ok!!!!!

much much truth in that... and it's a lot better than OK, it's GOOD.

[Jade]

Hi CB123:

Thanks for your thoughtful post. It sounds like we both need some balance -- you need more relaxed solitude, I need more positive engagement with the world. Maybe we'll continue seeking these things in the new year.

Please see my post in the "Happy Holidays" thread! 

[CB123]

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[Hopalong]

CB,

What an attitude.

I am awed.

(And so glad about your boy...)

hugs,
Hops

[gratitude28]

Axa,
This topic hit home. I still talk to my mother fairly often and I think the reason is because I so badly want her to show her true colors. Of course I see them, but I feel like I am baiting her in a way to get her to make the sort of obvious behavior pattern so that I could say, "Aha, see world, she is awful!!!" This is both pointless and ridiculous. I have all of you here and should know and be content with the fact that I am not making it up. But somewhere inside I want PROOF. I think my dad knows and has known for a long time. There are many past conversations and events that make me think this. But will he, or should he, even, acknlowledge that his life's partner is nuts??? He is fairly content with his hobbies... it seems to me he doesn't want to rock the boat.
So, axa, I still supply, because I maintain contact. I wish you all the strength in the world to cut off your supply to him...
((((((((axa)))))
Love, Beth

[axa]

CB

Really pleased that things are progresing for your son.  And well done for being so healthy around the hospital time.

Gratitude,

I believe I set things up unconsciously also to get PROOF.  This I think is part of the addiction.  I have no doubt that we both have more than enough proof of the abuse but its like needing one last shot at it.  It is never ending as long as we stay hooked in.  This I know of my situation.  It could never get better only worse and I have proof of that also. 

As for your Dad, I think he has made his choices in his life and has adapted to them.  He is not you.  The pain of the relationship for you is so difficult. I think it comes back to ourselves and why we stay hooked in there.  Looking beneath our behaviour and seeing what is the pay off....which is negative.... somehow seems to help to release some energy and create some healing........well I think so.

xx

axa

[calauria]

Yah you are right better days ahead for all of us I hope.  The thing that bugs me is that I know the theory.  No contact means no supply.  Why do we keep going back there giving, giving, giving when I know it is  hopeless.  Not true really when I know there is only more abuse waiting round the corner.  Why do we choose to give to those have nothing to give back but abuse.  That to me is the big question right now.

axa

I'm keep thinking the samething with my mom.  I love my mom, but she is very toxic to me.  She was the only one in the family who gave me the time of day in our family, even though she is toxic....

[gratitude28]

Thanks axa, and you are right. As much as I try, I still absorb other's feelings.

All, this has so much wonderful analysis and so many deep pockets of ideas that I want to reread it all. The thread hit so many points...

And, storm, I think you are right... abusers do know, one way or another, that they are being cruel or setting up the stage for that cruelty. I think proof of that to us in "the look" that our abusers get when they are being nasty or getting ready to do so...

Thanks again, all.