pondering the abuse

[axa]

I am often struck by the change that occurs in me when I am in a relationship.

In my "regular" life I can be independant, assertive, responsible, focused but once I get into a relationship (with an N almost always) I loose all of this power, or should I say I give away all of t his power.  It as if the N triggers something that is dormant and I do a complete flip become submissive, afraid, clinging.  Being away from xn for the past few days means that I am getting some of my strength back but that does not deal with the problem.  If I met someone else tomorrow morning (it is the last thing I want) I know I would revert back to passive style.

As the abuse mounts I kick back and threaten but rarely act until things have hit rock bottom.  It is as if I have to go back to the place of near death emotionally before I can know I have to escape.  Do others understand this.  This is not my first time being in a relationship with an N.  I was brought up by N parents, my relationships have been with Ns.  It feels like I have a constant need to have some sort of N in my life and this makes me very sad.

I wonder is it something about the drama.  The adult part of me hates the drama but there is something about feeling alive while it is going on.  Alive in a very negative fashion. 

I get so sick of the struggle sometimes.  It as if I never learn.  I can spot the warning signs.  Anyone in their right mind would walk but not me.  I hang on in there for more and more abuse.  Like it is never enough.  I wish it was different.

Feeling ok just pondering on this major disfunction in my life and would welcome thoughts,

axa

[Hopalong]

Axa,
I think it's like quitting smoking. I smoked like a chimney for 20 years and made hundreds of attempts to quit. I couldn't. But I never stopped wanting to, ever. Finally, the time was right, my motivation was stronger (one T made me write a farewell letter to my little daughter explaining how I was really sorry, but these little white sticks were more important to me than seeing her graduate or meeting her child) .... and I tried hypnosis. It still took 2 takes with a six-month relapse in between, and the ongoing help of a nicotine substitute. But it saved my life, 20+ years ago.

I had relationships with Ns in a similarly addictive way, one after another. It was only after breaking up with the last Nbf, two years ago, and feeling no confusion at all about who he was and why I deeply dislike him, that I feel clear. Still, I've needed every moment of these 2 years alone to feel resettled in myself. When I step out again for a relationship, I won't be leading from loneliness. I spent the time dealing with who I am and building my support circle of friendships (in my case, through church). And I know as much what I do want as what I don't.

So I completely understand how compelling the urge to repeat the cycle of attraction to Ns. I just want to tell you...you can end it. You need to want to end it more than anything else. And you can.

hugs,
Hops

[axa]

Hi Hops,

I get so much out of your posts and am very grateful for your wisdom and honesty.

I am happy to say that I am very very clear about XN and I too deeply dislike him.  We had such differing values and attitudes that I know my "being in there" was partly due to the fact that I have a deepseated lonliness.  I often thought if he was a woman that I had met through work/social etc I would have  nothing to do with him.  I disliked his arrogance, immaturity, rudeness, lack of desire to resolve anything.  But he was a man and I allowed myself gloss over all the negatives. 

I feel quite clear right now about what I want too.  I want to feel solid in myself.  I want to be loved in the world by myself and others.  Since I took off the rose tinted glasses I can see how supported I am. 

When with XN nobody called to my house.  None of my friends liked him.  In the past week there have been more people calling then did in the past three years.........what does that tell me.

I am grateful for my friends.  I am letting their love in and NOT feeling lonely.  I am doing good things for me, small things, stopping, seeing and I am not feeling lonely.

I want to end the cycle.  I really do and I know that the only one who can do this is me.

It is so good of you to take the time to reply to so many of my posts.  Today in my prayer moment I will pray for you.  I feel you and so many others on this board are a gift in my lfe.

Thank you

axa