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hypersensitivity- thanks again for your indulgence

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pandora:
Hi guys-

This may seem like sort of a trivial message, maybe I m hypersensitive. But I wanted perspective on a few things that caught my attention this morning.

First, before we got up, my husband was getting close to me in bed and holding me. I had to get up so I could make it in time to a work meeting, so I said "I need to be in by 8", at which point he rolled over abruptly, kind of pushing me away, and said "You always have a meeting, that's your life, etc."

Then in the kitchen, I had taken the dishes he left in the sink last night and put them in the dishwasher, but hadn't turned it on yet. He came in and seemed very frustrated that I hadn't started running it, or done it the night before, and expressed frustration at his efforts to "train" me. (I did point out that he could have easily done it himself).

Then he had made himself a smoothie drink - some disgusting green crap - and asked me to taste it. I did, and told him that I didn't really like it. He said he was glad I didn't like it because I wouldn't "compete" with him for using it. (it is a very pricy drink mix) He has often seemed to hoard groceries and stuff that he brings into the house, and to think I shouldn't have them, but of course has no problem eating what I bring home. He also seems to think that I "compete" with him in other situations, especially social ones.

Then he went on a 5 minute mini-tirade about "christian crap" and religious guilt - have no idea where that came from. I was raised christian but am not particularly observant. However, my parents are quite religious- though certainly not the hellfire and damnation type.

I feel like my eyes have recently been opened as to what he is really like, and that is probably why I am paying such close attention to small incidences like this. I apologize if this is too trivial - I realize that many of you are struggling with much larger issues.

And thank you all for feedback to my previous posts. I am realizing that I can't (and don't really even want to try) to change him or anyone else - I just want to get clarity and understanding so that I can make the best choices for myself.

Peace!

Gingerpeach:
Pandora,

It is not trivial at all.  Because when these "trivial" incidences are strung together and added up you find that you are at the receiving end of a constant barrage of criticism and abuse.  This wreaks havoc on your self esteem, probably evokes an anxiety response in your body (very unhealthy when it happens too often) and is just plain unpleasant.  Who, when offered the choice, would choose this?

Here's the Game Show Scenario:   "Behind Door Number 1 you  will have a pleasant relationship with  honesty, respect,  intimacy, a sharing of household chores and a willingness to resolve differences calmly.  Or......behind Door Number 2 you will get someone who will constantly criticize you, blame you for everything that could possibly go wrong,  never understand what you are feeling, and expect you to cater to his needs and ignore your own."   The choice is yours.......

The problem with Ns is that they do not initially present with their true natures. If it had been like the Game Show scenario, I'd find it hard to believe that you or I would have chosen Door #2.  

So, no it is not trivial at all.

seeker:
Hello Pandora,

I totally agree with Gingerpeach that this is not trivial at all.  You have just described the subtle pettiness of living with an N.  Chinese water torture.  Drop by drop they erode your self confidence.  And Jacmac is right on point about win/lose. So childish.  I have found books about negotiation and win/win to help communication at work and at home.

As for the religious rant, you can ignore it.  But if you want/need a response, you can point out that most religious traditions (Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, etc) express some form of the Golden Rule.  It is how we all learn to (dramatic pause here) live with others!   If he has a problem with it, it can take it up with God.  Whoops, I forgot. Ns are God!!!   :shock:

Peace, Seeker

Anonymous:
Your husband is like a child who can't tolerate frustration. When you separated from him in bed, to go to work, he felt controlled, rejected, and criticized. That wasn't your intention but that's what happened to him emotionally (a childlike reaction). So he went into a virtual orgy of controlling behaviors, blame, and wierd guilt (the religious ranting). I think you can assume that most of his criticisms toward you are really a reflection of his own self-hate. However he isn't aware of feeling that way, and you can't make him aware of it. Unfortunately when someone is really childish they resist any awareness. Only a therapist might get through to him.

bunny

Anonymous:
Pandora

Patricia Evans The Verbally Abusive Relationship is a great book for breaking down these kind of transactions.
He sounds like a 'reality one' male to me.

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