Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
hypersensitivity- thanks again for your indulgence
pandora:
thank you guys for your comments and support.
I feel like my marriage is in the ICU and failing fast. We had another session with our therapist this afternoon, and they just get more and more bizarre. What can you say when someone tells you point-blank that their main goal is their own "path" and "personal growth" and that issues in the marriage are not their priority. In front of the marriage counselor, where you supposed focus should be on your marriage.
I actually worked up the nerve to tell him that I thought it might be wise to approach his upcoming trip (2 months) as a kind of trial separation, for us to think about whether to stay married and how best to end it if it comes to that. His response seemed so strange to me - no emotion, no expression of regret or sadness that I could see (wouldn't you expect that even if you thought it was best that the marriage end?)- although I had tears running down my face. He said that he could see that I had withdrawn from him over the past few weeks -
and that he had been thinking about getting out for the last 2 years.
Then he launched into some sort of weird monolog about how we both should prioritize our own "path", how relationships were secondary, and then how maybe we aren't compatible. He always seems to think the problems are caused by my not doing enough, my commitment to my career, etc.
But then when I said that perhaps we should think about what the kindest and least damaging way to end it would be (words I never imagined I would ever say about my marriage) - he said I was being premature. If he wants out, and has for so long, why torment me? And if he wants to stay, why can't he say "no, I love you and want to work it out"?
I feel very hopeless about it. It's very sad. Thanks again for letting me vent. I know a lot of you have probably been where I am now.
Pandora
lynn:
Hi pandora,
In response to your original post, no this is not trivial.
For me, thinking that it was "trivial" made me stay in my relationship much too long. The comments made by my N husband were constant, yet subtle and insidious. Over and over, I would find myself reflecting on my own behavior trying to find the fault that he had seen.
Instead, I think that it is very important to begin to see your husband's actions and words for what they are. My guess is that as your awareness increases.... you will find that his insults happen even more often than you originally thought. (does that make sense?)
I went to marriage counseling also. It never felt productive. He either made himself appear charming or he was stoic and made bizzare comments.... kind of like what you describe.... really unrelated and unconnected to the conversation at hand.
I would walk out in frustration. I know now, that the frustration is another sign. A wake-up call.
My input to you is to be aware of these " trivial" incidents. How often do they happen? How much does he not-care when he makes the comments?
You have the power to make choices.
Warmly, lynn
seeker:
Hi Pandora,
First, a hug. :( All of this is so fresh and raw and you need lots of TLC.
Second, what you describe here of your husband's responses is what I would call a lot of shame-dumping. Your husband knows that the mess you both are standing in is shameful. So he's going to make sure he gets out with the least amount of it stuck on him. Never mind how it got there...it's all going to fall on you. Hopefully your therapist whom you are seeing alone can help you sidestep when he starts dumping.
As for the "premature" remark, I see that as either a way to keep you hooked, or a stall for time for when he can make his own move to do the leaving or both, to make it hurt you the most because in an N's mind, the non-N deserves it for making him look at this mess. I know this sounds harsh, but I went back and reread your previous thread of what this guy has done. Sheesh! Don't take on the shame-dumping. And like Lynn says, the more you recognize it, the more your response will change and the more he will do it to get you back in the place where he controlled you and you were more predictable to him. He talks the Toxic!
Again, big hug. I'm glad you will be getting a long break soon. Seeker.
Karin:
I was so pleased to read this thread this morning because I have been feeling extremely stressed out over the last few days/weeks as I try to process the bizarre behaviour of my N over settlement issues. Bizarre was the word I've been repeating to myself. He seems to be unable to understand what settlement even means. He's got his own meaning of it. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone again.
I laughed as I read about the 'dishwasher incident', that's the sort of thing my husband would do. He once followed me into the laundry and told me how to do the washing! I'd been keeping his clothes clean for him for 15 years at that stage. Bizarre.
That competition thing has always been there too, I could never understand why he felt that he had to be better than me, weren't we supposed to be a united couple? I figured out eventually that it wasn't about him being better, it was about him putting me down. Slight difference.
Good luck Pandora, you're in for the roller-coaster ride. I wish I'd missed the House of Horrors, but the Hall of Mirrors had some funny moments.
Thanks all.
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: pandora ---What can you say when someone tells you point-blank that their main goal is their own "path" and "personal growth" and that issues in the marriage are not their priority. In front of the marriage counselor, where you supposed focus should be on your marriage.
--- End quote ---
What did the therapist say to this?
--- Quote from: pandora ---He said that he could see that I had withdrawn from him over the past few weeks - and that he had been thinking about getting out for the last 2 years.
--- End quote ---
I think he's terrified and trying to act blase to cover it up.
--- Quote from: pandora ---Then he launched into some sort of weird monolog about how we both should prioritize our own "path", how relationships were secondary, and then how maybe we aren't compatible.
--- End quote ---
What did the therapist say to this?
--- Quote from: pandora ---But then when I said that perhaps we should think about what the kindest and least damaging way to end it would be (words I never imagined I would ever say about my marriage) - he said I was being premature. If he wants out, and has for so long, why torment me? And if he wants to stay, why can't he say "no, I love you and want to work it out"?
--- End quote ---
I bet he's extremely dependent on you. And he is too terrified of closeness and dependency to admit he loves anyone.
bunny
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version