thanks everyone. I have a lot to think about.
I had a session with my individual therapist this morning, and she brought up NPD in response to my description of his behavior. This is in addition to our marital therapist suggesting that my husband could be a N. I am trying to come to grips with these facts.
The quotes about shame-dumping and how criticism of him gets turned into proof of how I am inadequate really hit home. Also the comment about not being the right physical type - that's another one I've heard. What an insulting thing to tell a spouse!
Part of me still keeps wondering if only I tried harder to control his behavior, or overcame my own fears of intimacy, etc. if it could change. In my more insane moments I even think that I am wrong to be upset by his behaviour - someone please whack some sense into me! My rational mind knows that this really is some ingrained N-trait in him, and at his age (early 40s) it is very very unlikely to ever change.
I am very very fortunate to have help from some good therapists, some good friends who I have recently started to confide in, and from my family, especially my sister. I would be dead by now if it weren't for her. The silver lining to all this is that it has forced me to reach out and end my isolation - and I have found that I do have a support network of people that really care. This forum is also giving my so much perspective and validation, and i am so grateful. Thank you!
