I'm new here, and have only taken the time to read a few of the posts so far. I didn't want to continue without introducing myself. My mother is the N in my life. Even as a very young child (1st & 2nd grade) I wondered what was wrong with me - I would walk to school (even in the rain and severe weather) and see the other kids being dropped off by their moms. I wasn't jealous that they got a ride - I was jealous that they got a hug when they were dropped off. Hugs were not done at my house. It was not until years later that I realized my mom was still in her robe when I left for school and there was no way she could drive up to the school without her hair done. But it was the hugs I coveted. You know what I thought - I wasn't good enough for a hug. And that is how I grew up, trying to be good enough for a hug, for some recognition. In high school I "tried out" for everything - and made it. Pom pon, select choir, jazz band, newspaper editor, class officer, Junior Miss pageant - whatever I could do, I tried, I made it or won it, and kept waiting for my mom to show up, smiling at me, clapping for me, the way I saw the other mothers acting. It never happened so I kept wondering, what is so wrong with me that I don't get treated the way the other kids do. There were crying fits with my mom - in which she told me everything that was wrong with me (in a very steely way), how I needed to be more like "so and so," so I tried to "fix me" and she still stayed away. As I got older she couldn't come up with so many things that were wrong with me. The girls she compared me to - the ones whose mothers were in the audience applauding - they were getting in trouble, pregnancies, drunk driving, suspended from activities due to failing grades (yes, I was honor roll, too). So she began to tell me how her mother never came to her basketball games and she didn't care about it, so I was whining. It's a long story and it sounds like many of you have lived it already. All I can say is I spent my life (I'm now 44) believeing I wasn't good enough and didn't deserve love or recognition of who I was. A failed marriage and the biggest mistake of my life - thinking that whatever was wrong with me and my mother and her mother had to be stopped - that I must never have children so the bad genes would come to an end and no child would have to feel as I did. I had realized was wrong with my mother - not just with me - and about 1-1/2 years ago a therapist said "your mother is a destructive narcissist" and began talking about needing to re-parent myself. She suggested books, gave me articles, gave me assignments. I still thought something was terribly wrong with me, even though I understood something was also wrong with my mother. That's when Charlie happened. My brother, who is 16 months younger than me, and his wife waited too long to try to conceive. They sought a child through adoption. A birth mother chose them; she was pregnant, and it was a boy. For the first time ever, my brother and I began to talk about how we were raised. The success each of us achieved in spite of the lack of encouragement or support of any kind. My brother talked about how I must help him to not let his childhood write the script for his son's childhood. At least now I know I wasn't alone in this abuse, but I was always so wrapped up in thinking something was wrong with me that I truly didn't notice what was happening to my brother. If anything, I was jealous becuase he had my dad, who thought a daughter was a bad joke, but a son was a miracle. (another topic all together). Anyway, my sister in law had some trouble adjusting to the newborn - they had only 2 weeks' notice he was coming. My mother and I alternated many weeks helping with the baby. My mother would return from a stay and talk about how lucky the baby was that she was there, that her daughter in law was a terrible mother and without his grandma that baby would have frozen/starved/failed to thrive (and so on). During my stays all I could thing was how lovely and perfect he is; how lucky I AM that I have been given an opportunity to care for a newborn, how lucky we are that a 17-year-old gave him to my brother and sister in law. I would hold him for hours during a nap and think about how fortunate I was to be right where I was. It never crossed my mind that the baby was lucky. It never crossed my mind that he would deserve anything less than my total devotion and attention. And I realized that I would not have treated a child the way I was treated. I could have mothered a child and although I might have made mistakes, I would not have treated him or her the way my mother treated me. Charlie is 10 months old now and is delightful in every way. My mother is having a hard time keeping herself in the limelight, Charlie has stolen all her thunder.
I am here because I still need to heal. I have a long way to go. I don't want to completely shut myself off from communicating with my mother, at least not while my father is still alive. I need help to build a wall. I feel the need to confront her about many things, though the therapist (whom I can no longer afford) assured me that a confrontation would not bring any good result. In a conversation several months ago my mother did admit to neglecting me, the therapist said this is more than most adult children ever get from Nparents, and I need to continue trying to re-parent myself. I fully intend to leave her on her own after my father dies. In the last few years he has begun to realize her true nature. He doesn't have a word for it - that she is a destructive narcissist, but he does say that she only does things to glorify herself and has no other motive. He also has said that she is not sentimental and doesn't "like" to empathize with people. He assures me she loves me, and says I am ridiculous for thinking she does not. When I offer him specific examples of why I do not believe she loves me he acknowledges the events but doesn't interpret them as lack of love, just a lack of understanding or appreciation. My brother believes she cares for us very deeply, but loves herself and her money far more than she cares for us. Sorry for the lengthy introduction. I hope to get to know you all better, I hope to find some help, and if there is anything I have to offer, I will do my best to share. Here's to a NEW YEAR!
