what do I do with my anger!!!!

[spyralle]

Help me please I am absolutely raging..

For all those of you who were around when my ex N left me in the merciless way he did..  You will know that he left me paying off his debt of 27 thousand after he had conned me into putting it in his name.  So I am now working my ass off to pay for not only the arrears on the mortgaghe from his second marriage, but all the other self indulgence he allowed himself...  Including his fromt teeth!!!!!!

I have just had an email from an old colleague of mine who works with him to say that he has an Audi TT...  A bloody Audi TT!!!!!!!

So he is driving around in some sports car and I am in effect working to pay for it...!!!

I suppose I should also mention that he has just smashed it up...  but it's the principle of the thing....

I guess I have been really depressed for the past year and a half and I got so low that I managed to just numb all my feelings to the point of total flatness.  Recently it was all just too much and finally I agreed to take some SSRI's as I was in danger of going to bed and never getting up.  I think they are reawakening my feelings cos now I am raging...

Help....

Please...

Spyralle
x

[Dazed1]

Hi Spyralle,

I can understand why you're raging and I'm sorry you're going through this.

I grew up in an angry, raging house, so anger and rage were a way of life, but I always hated them.

I used to ask my T "what do I do with my anger"?  In retrospect, my T had 2 responses:  One for immediate anger (rage)  and the other for the overall issue of anger.

For rage, my T suggested a "Body Scan": getting in touch with your body's sensations and calming and relaxing those sensations:  For example, become aware that your temples are pounding, you're making fists, your muscles are clenched, your palms sweat, etc.  Now, do slow deep breathing and starting from your head and working down to your toes, relax each tense, clenched muscle.  Go through each tense and clenched body area and relax it.  This could take anywhere from 3 to 20 minutes.  It works.  You will feel calmer and less (or no) rage.

For long term anger, T basically said that when I when I really analyze the problem and understand it, then I won't feel anger.  I don't totally agree that analysis of the problem has totally gotten rid of the anger, but I understand better what caused the anger, so I guess, in some instances,  I substituted understanding for anger.

I'm not a T and I don't mean to be a Sunday morning quarterback, but I think you may be angry at yourself for being "conned".  For me, feeling like I was conned is the basis of my anger.  I ask myself "how could I let myself be conned?  Why was I so stupid and blind?" and I answer, "I didn't realize I was being conned or blind".

So, I realized I was unaware of red flags and signs.  Then I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn't know.  But, now, I know and I try not to repeat the mistake.

But, this is not a one shot thing.  Issues come up and I feel sad and angry and I start the process again:  Body scan for rages, then analyze the problem, then forgive myself for not knowing what I didn't know.  It's a process.  If you practice it all the time, you will feel better.  But, it is work and you have to work at it. 

So, with anger/rage, think about calming both body and mind.

Remember, the rage and anger hurt you, not your N.  So, try to love yourself and not let the rage hurt you.

Also, both physical and relaxing activity helps to calm the anger/rage:  Go to the gym, take a walk or take a warm bath.

Also, I really like this web site: http://www.angriesout.com/index.htm#grownups.

I hope you feel better and wish you the best.

[Peapod]

Hey Spyralle

First thing, it is totally right for you to be ANGRY..GO FOR IT!!! who wouldn't be in your position?!?

The situation sounds totally crap and wrong, but in a way it sounds like these feelings of anger could even be a healthy sign for you, the numbness has obviously gone and you can feel again!! Hurray!!

The important most bit is what you go on to do with those feelings now....

The important thing is that you don't turn the feelings in on yourself.  You have done nothing wrong at all, and anything that went on in the past is just that, in the past...all you can do is focus on your choices today and what youre going to do for you and your future!

i suppose a few options could be
A) going round there and beat him up with a big stick - good for aggression release but not so good for court bills
B)going round there and smashing his already smashed up bloody Audi TT up with a big stick - again not worth fighting the law
C) sending him a very sarcastic 'hope your car gets well soon' card - amusing for you, less amusing for him, but you would probably smile for a month just thinking about it
D)allowing yourself to feel angry because it is ok and purely natural, letting it out in healthy and productive ways for you - exercise? play the drums(pots and pans)? sing V loud to the cat?, and then focus on your life and what you can do for you now that man is out of your life...dreams you had that you may never have followed, choices you would have like to have made, things you'd like to try.  Financially, you might not be where you ever wanted to be, but the fact is that you are there and from here on in you only have great choices to be made...so what you gonna do Spyralle?  how can you make your rage productive in your life, the passion, drive, adrenaline you're feeling - use it for your own good!!

You deserve the best lady, make sure you're giving it to yourself first and then the rest will follow....

P x

[Sela]

Hiya spyralle:

What he has done would make anyone furious.  I say go ahead and rage (in ways that won't hurt anyone, ofcourse).  I think physically is a big help.  Pound a pillow or dance and scream or excercise.  Whatever feels like a release.  Write it all down and rip it up/burn it/jump up and down on it.

I dunno.  Anger is something that helps and hinders.  It keeps one from caving in and going back to bad relationships but it also can upset one to the point of almost not being able to function.  Some of that has to be released or what will it do?  Where will it go?

Won't it get buried and stuffed down somewhere, where it waits .....seething?  I don't like that picture so I choose the release thingy.  Anger can make one physically ill too. 

Here are a couple of  links:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Releasing-Anger&id=161781

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/anger.htm

There is  a lot of info out there if you google....."releasing anger".

There is also the theory that unreleased anger develops into depression.  And another that releasing anger only makes things worse, that really what's needed is to logically work through it.....understand it's base.  Personally, I feel better when I just get it out.

((((((((((((spyralle))))))))))))

The good news is ...... you will recover from this and learn from it.  You can look forward to a future that is much brighter.

Sela

[Dazed1]

Hey Peapod and Sela,

I just want to clarify what I wrote.

I agree with you both that it's good to get the anger out.  I'm not suggesting to hold it in because that leads to depression.

However, having grown up in an angry and raging house, I've dealt with these all my life.

For me, getting the anger out is good, but it's not enough, I guess, because maybe I feel my anger and rage is endless.  So, as much as I get out, there's still more.  Or, the anger and rage turns to sadness and that feels crappy too.

What I liked about my T's suggestions were that her exercises made me feel more in control of my anger/rage, more in control of my feelings, more aware of my bodily responses, so that my negative feelings would not rule me and ruin my day, my week, my life.

For me, my anger is not a one shot deal.  I carry it with me all the time and I'm tired of letting my anger prevent me from feeling good/happy.

But I do agree that anger should not be held in.  I guess, for me, the question is "how do I express the anger/rage so that it's expression does not make my life worse?"

dazed

[spyralle]

Thank you all for your helpful advice..  I think I am worse today because apart from hearing that very shocking news it is my mothers birthday.  I have not sent her a card and I know that when I ring she is gonna ask where it is....  I don't know why I haven't sent her one really.  I have just been too depressed I guess.  Now my anxiety is spirraling way out of control....  sorry for just mindlessly blahing but I have have to get it out of my head and I know you guys will listen..

S x

[axa]

Spyralle,

I also think it is good to release the anger.  He is a total sh.. but the anger is in you.  I believe physical stuff helps release it but looking at the underlying reason for the anger is the way to move through it imo.

I find knowing that all the feelings I feel are mine is very useful.  I try to acknowlege them without judgement.  Yep I am angry, thats ok.  I hold it, look at it, feel it and somehow its energy decreases.  I believe when we try and push something away we give it more and more strength.  Own that anger. It is yours.  It is inside you.  It is seperate from your X.

I just find this helps me.

So sorry it is tough for you right now.

axa

[Gaining Strength]

spryalle - your depression and anxiety and anger are all related.  I know rage and anger so very well.  I lived with them for many, many years and the underlying cause was not as obvious as yours.  But as I finally was able to move past it about 9 months ago I began to understand that so much of it was from a utter sense of powerlessness.  I wasn't as powerless as I felt but it has taken me a long time to understand that. 

Your anger is, of course, justified.  But you are not powerless to change.  Of course you might be angry with yourself that you ever allowed yourself to be duped by that man you once called your husband.  But I bet you are glad that you are no longer married to him.  Here is where you can gain some power.  Switch your focus from being angry that you were duped by that wretched man to being thankful that you had enough money and credit and work history to buy your way out of that nightmare.  I know that sounds oversimplified but if you are willing to try you will be amazed at how this change of focus can actually empower you.  You cann't change what happened but you can change how you think about it and there is tremendous power in that.  Once you begin to take you power back you will find your rage subside.  I promise you that.

Being rageful and blaming yourself for the cost of being married to a man who cheated you will keep you tied to him.  It is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. 

Your anger is justified but I want you to let go of the rage for your sake - take back you power. - GS

[Hopalong]

Hey Spy,

You aren't the first daughter to let a bday slide when she's depressed.

But they DO make appealing Belated Birthday cards.

I'm so sorry about the jerk driving his boytoy.

Hops

[sandra]

 
((((((((((((((((((((SPYRALLE))))))))))))))))))))))))

You have every right to be angry ...who wouldn't be!!! what a creep!!!!!!!

I know you are feeling down at the moment and thats ok to.....let it all out every emotion.....just make sure you share it with those who love you and not bottle it up on your own..

so no hiding under the duvet and not getting out of bed......this friend will not let you.

you are the most wonderful, loving person on this earth you just need to believe this yourself because its sooooooooo true.

take care Spy

love u loads

Sandra x x x x

[Hopalong]

Hi Spy,

I just saw a very interesting interview with the author of a new book on anger called
A Bee in the Mouth.

Haven't even read it yet, but with a title that brilliant, it may be very good...

How are you doing with it today, hon?

Hops