Help!!

[Survivor]

I am the oldest daughter of a Narcissist mother and an alcoholic father (who just died one month ago). I have not had much of a relationship with my mother during my adulthood (I'm 44), but had to be around her while my father was dying and during the funeral. My younger sister had honestly not "seen" my mother's ways until my dad's funeral. Now my sister wants nothing to do with her. I feel totally betrayed by my sister and father for never standing up for me (I was the target of my mother's rage, lies, etc.) I am grateful my sister finally sees her for what she is, but how can I forgive her for never standing up for me? Also, since my father just died, how can I ever forgive him? I know I need to, but I have spent so many years being the total target of this woman (for standing up to her years ago and moving on with my own life). This is new for me because no one would believe me in the past . . . now they do. My mother was very good at putting me down to them and making them believe it was me and not her. Since she is getting older, she is getting more and more "crazy" and can't fool people like she used to. Where should I go from here?

Thank You!!

[seeker]

Hi Survivor,

Oh!  I see you brought your message over here to this half of the board before I finished my post over there...Maybe we caught each other's brainwaves   .

Again I will express sympathies for the death of your father.  When I read your note, I see "unfinished business".  Isn't that a dreadful term?  But there it is.  Of course you have a lot of resentment for the way you have been treated...I understand that sense of being betrayed, abandoned, because you were alone, outcast in your own family.  

Where do you go from here?  My suggestion is, wherever you go, go slow. Your father's death is going to create a "vacuum" in your family and it takes time for everyone to adjust.  

I read recently (and am discovering this is true for me), that abused people often feel more angry at non-abusers in the family for not protecting them than they do at the abuser.  Often, consciously or unconsciously, they were protecting themselves.  And can you blame them for wanting to avoid the pain you suffered? (well, yes, as a matter of fact, maybe we can!    ).  

Ask yourself what you want.  Do you want to punish your sister?  Do you want to "start over" with this new perspective?  You may need to express things like resentment, anger, "I told you!" etc., in a journal and to others (like this board) so you can get it off your chest. This is a real need.  Your sister may not be an appropriate audience for this because she is processing her own losses too.  She (and apparently others) are just now taking it all in.

Then, if you can find a way to express your feelings and desires without inducing guilt in your sister, you might find a way through to better understanding of each other. We can't rewind the tape, but this moment seems like an opportunity for a new start.

Peace, Seeker
PS. There is a post about forgiveness which I'll try to bring up to the top.  It surprised me when I read it and found it helpful.

[Survivor]

Seeker . . . Thank you so much for your advice.  I am a Christian, so I KNOW I need to forgive them.  I also understand how to process my "feelings", having been in Al-Anon meetings for years (dealing with my father's alcoholism).  My sister is a sweet person and was the "lost child" while we were growing up.  I was the Hero/Scapegoat . . . very hard and conflicting roles!  I do love her and like spending time with her.  I am being very supportive of her new feelings about our parents.  She has no idea I'm feeling discounted and angry that she didn't stand up for me.  I don't think it would help her at this point to even tell her.  Some day I'm sure I'll be able to express my feelings to her.  She is also angry at our father for leaving everything to our mother and not standing up to her.  My mother uses money as a weapon, but I have never taken the bait (my sister has).  My father was a very passive, peaceful man.  He hid his feelings with alcohol.  I think my sister was just "afraid" all those years.  Our mother didn't rear her ugly head to her until she confronted her while my dad was in the hospital.  My sister is a nurse and questioned some things that were being done.  My mother accused her of trying to control the situation, which she wasn't.  It was shocking to see my mother turn on someone other than me.  

I am still grieving the loss of my father . . . he had sobered up in recent years and moved into his own home away from my mother.  He always told me she was "crazy".  However, he still did not stand up for me.  I suppose he couldn't suffer her rath any longer.

Thanks again for listening and giving me some helpful advice.  I do know about "unfinished business".  I just pray it will be FINISHED sometime soon!

I have been so used to being the only one that stood up to my N mother, that it's weird getting used to others realizing what she is like.  I feel validated for the first time!  

Survivor

[Anonymous]

I am grateful my sister finally sees her for what she is, but how can I forgive her for never standing up for me? Also, since my father just died, how can I ever forgive him?

be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to heal some. It has been a bewildering and emotional few weeks for you, I'm sure.

We are trained ( particularly by abusive parents ) to play our role in the family, if your sister has now stepped outside of that you can get to know each other properly, this time is a beginning as well as an ending.

Forgiveness

To forgive
Is not to forget.

To forgive
Is really to remember
That nobody is perfect
That each of us stumbles
When we want so much to stay upright
That each of us says things
We wish we had never said
That we can all forget that love
Is more important than being right.

To forgive is really to remember
That we are so much more
Than our mistakes
That we are often more kind and caring
That accepting another's flaws
Can help us accept our own.

To forgive is to remember
That the odds are pretty good that
We might soon need to be forgiven ourselves.
That life sometimes gives us more
Than we can handle gracefully.

To forgive is to remember
That we have room in our hearts to
Begin again

And again,


And again.  And again.

 

Author Unknown

[Survivor]

Thank you all so much for your replies . . . I feel like FINALLY someone understands what I have been through.  I will take the time to heal.  I feel so GRATEFUL for this time.  For years I thought no one would ever understand what I've been through.  I can see there are so many others who have been through the same thing.  What a relief to know there are others who can relate.

You are all such a BLESSING!!  

Survivor

[Anonymous]

I am grateful my sister finally sees her for what she is, but how can I forgive her for never standing up for me? Also, since my father just died, how can I ever forgive him?

Your father is far more culpable than your sister (in my opinion) because he was the parent and the adult. The 'preferred' sibling is just as screwed up as the scapegoated one, sometimes they are even in worse shape.

To me, forgiveness is accepting that things turned out a certain way because of people's limitations, and you won't actively seek revenge against them. That's it. You can have many feelings toward the perpetrators including antagonism or hatred. That doesn't erase forgiveness.

bunny

[Discounted Girl]

To me forgiving someone a transgression against you would indicate that it has stopped. Unfortunately most of the time the only way to stop N abuse is to close the door, allow no portal of entry. Then, I guess forgiveness can work. I don't seek any revenge or wish bad things, I just am happy that the abuse has stopped. It's very sad that I had to stop it by severing ties with my mother. I don't hate her but I don't feel any urges to forgive her either. I have given up all hope that she might change or realize what she did and mend her ways. I know that if she had the opportunity, she would again begin her same game. I must be honest however, and admit that exposure of her nasty ways would bring me satisfaction. I am glad I don't hate her.  Holding on to hatred provides a fertile breeding ground for darkness. I think the devil must laugh with glee when he sees us hold on to hatred -- it feels so good. I don't want that. What I feel is the grieving process and it will go on for as long as it takes.