Steve:
While reading your post, I got the stabbing sensation in my throat to scream and cry all at once. I did not know there was another person who had been harmed on their life journey similar to me. I just discovered this board.
Truly I hope you can love and cherish yourself and pick yourself up and move forward.
I am 53 and have worked entry level jobs for a long time, although I was a talented artist, specializing in portrait drawing and painting. My college art professor told me I had more power in my little finger than most people have in their whole body. But mother told me that was not a real profession and I should find a real profession like nursing. Mother let me know from the beginning that my thoughts and feelings had no real value, so don't even waste my breath.
My earliest memory was her response to my painful experiences in first grade when I was being teased because of the clothes I wore. 'They're just jealous.' The clothes I wore were free clothes that someone gave her - nothing wrong with that- but what about, 'what can we do about this?'
No one could ever imagine the hundreds of times I have been interrupted. If a friend is over when I answer a phone call, they always know if mother called, because in the 5, 10, 15 minute phone call, all I say is Hello and Goodbye (I am not exaggerating)....because, again, I do not have anything of real value to say. Once I thought I could have a leg amputated and my parents would not ever know about it. They never ask about me and they don't give me the opportunity to talk- but they've got that "I love you" down pat. If I am in the room with them, they do not look at me - they look at the wall while they are talking - they are not really talking to me - they are talking 'at' something.
She started picking my friends as a teenager because she had read my diaries and decided who she wanted to pick because I was incapable of making that kind of choice. (I burned my diaries, by the way, with that stabbing sensation in my throat)
As I grew older my opportunities for relationships passed me by because I had no idea how to respond to anyone showing interest in me as a person. I knew how to have fun, but that's about it. My anxieties grew and I began to medicate with alcohol and Valium, and made a lot of regrettable choices during that time. My parents even managed to have me committed to a mental institution for a few days because they convinced the state that I was suicidal and depressed. Yes, they came to visit and told me how much they loved me.
Finally I moved to another state, found a good therapist, and actually had a few happy years, and some professional success...between bad relationships.
I have always tried (unconsciously) to have relationships with men who are emotionally unavailable because that has been my familiar zone. So, my memorable relationships have been with alcohol or drug addicts - even when I have been straight...and most alcoholics and drug addicts die or go away.
(My sister's life is much like mine but she has never been able to give up substance abuse)
Now I am 53 - I have a teenage son who has been all sorts of trouble - but one thing I am sure that he has - is self esteem and confidence. I have listened carefully to his thoughts and needs. In fact, he may even be a little arrogant.
To me, it does not matter how much talent you have, or money or other resources....You must have confidence and self esteem. I am glad I had the opportunity to get that right - for him....and I would not have been able to do that had I not known the recurring pain of of having no voice, no value.
I still call her - when something really good or interesting happens - and still the same thing happens - I say hello and 15 minutes later I get the opportunity to say goodbye...My heart sinks every time....Why do I keep repeating this behavior? Am I hoping that after all of these years that this one time it will be different? That she will ask, 'How are you?' and 'What did you do today?'
Actually, in having the opportunity to post here, I see that I have be the one to ask myself 'How are you?' and 'What did you do today?' I am really struggling right now to be alive again. I have been calculating losses and that is not good at all. It has been really good for me post here, to go through what has happened to relieve some of the burden of guilt. I can see it is not all my fault.
Steve, follow your dreams.
Thanks,
Becky
