vibes for Mom

[mountainspring]

Hi Hops...  I'm glad your mom is feeling better.  Maybe she will be home soon?  I hope you are feeling well too and taking good care of yourself. 

[pennyplant]

Hi  Hopsy,

How is Mom doing now?

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Thanks for asking, guys. (((((((((((()))))))))))))))

Mom perked right up after 2 nights in the hosp. with antibiotics and good care. I brought her home this afternoon.

I am feeling a sense of bemused wonder about how deeply grateful I was for two nights without her. I stood in the kitchen this morning, savoring the quiet. Making my tea without having to shout answers to her fusillade of morning questions. I noticed birds, I felt a sense of peace in my body.

Once she was home, installed in her armchair in the living room, I came back to my room. I drifted and dozed, lost all the motivation I'd awoken with. I felt drained.

It's a difficult thing. It's as though I don't know how to be healthy in her presence.

I diminish myself, my hopes and dreams and eagerness for life.

I'm okay, looking forward to church...but feeling a bit sad about what a hermit I've become.

(A friend invited me to go to a late party, I was lolling on my bed with some back pain, said no thanks. I used to love to socialize...)

Anyway, I help lead the service tomorrow and it's about prayer (interesting to have an agnostic worship leader and a kind-of-Buddhist minister do the service!), and I am going to try to be very very present to the message. This minister has a deep grace and in being her partner up there I am going to try to be very present and receptive, because I trust her a lot.

I know I'll be posting happier thoughts tomorrow. I am glad Mom is better. That's the conundrum. I really am happy she's okay.

I just don't know where to "park" those other feelings...the yearning for freedom.

Seriously. It's just weird. I do NOT wish her harm or death.  But I long for some freedom.

Square peg? Round hole?

(I'm going for a weekend with my D in 2 weeks and hope that will be fun for us both. I stay with church friends and it's peaceful, and my D and I go out and eat and do movies. If we're in the right mental space together it could be joyful. I am eager to go and she sounds eager for me to come.)

Hops

[Hopalong]

Awww, Moon.
Thank you.

I am so glad to hear from you.

love,
Hops

[mountainspring]

Hi Hops.... I'm glad your mom is home and doing better.  It sounds great that you'll be able to spend a weekend with your daughter soon.  Do you know about respite care?  I learned about it at the convalescent center.  If your mom has medicare, you may be eligible.  You probably already know about it, but if you need info, let me know.  It could give you a couple days break every few months. 

[Hopalong]

I know, MS...I do wish Mom would say, gee, can't I go in for a few days to give you a break?

The idea of arranging it and getting her ready and packed and over there is honestly more fatiguing than just keeping on here. It would be exhausting to persuade her, so I'm probably taking better care of myself by not doing it.

I don't mean to say, Yes but...

Now, at least, it'd be more work than it's worth.

But I did have this respite.

My trouble is honestly more that I don't know how to understand and deal with the contradictory feelings. They are weird. When you have a child and you're fatigued and worn out, you know that your child is growing toward independence. That whole process gives you the strength.

With a dependent elder, they are going in a different direction. So it feels more like your work is to hold back the future. Whereas with a child, you are helping the child move toward it...with an elder you are helping them stave it off.

All that is a little crazymaking for me. I don't feel guilty for my desire for release. I just don't know what to call it, whether it should be a secret (well maye that does indicate guilt), how to honor her urge to hold onto life, how to honor my own urge for my own life.

How to manage the apparent contradiction: I want my mother to feel happy and well and enjoy the things she does enjoy. I want it over.

It's painful to put it to myself so bluntly but it's true.

Hops

[daylily guest]

How to manage the apparent contradiction: I want my mother to feel happy and well and enjoy the things she does enjoy. I want it over.

It's painful to put it to myself so bluntly but it's true.

Hopalong,

Always remember what an achievement it is to hold both thoughts in your mind without either overwhelming you.  From my limited experience, I think that's the greatest thing you can do for yourself as a caregiver--to recognize that it's all true and valid, and that neither thought cancels the other.

I'm glad she's doing well.

daylily

[axa]

Hops sweetie,

What hard work.  I just dont know how you are doing it.

Something I have decided is to say YES to every invitation that comes my way.  I know how tired you are but getting out may change your energy.

I have gone down the road of isolating myself and I have found it very painful.  Being in the company of others can take you out of yourself for a time.

Your feelings make such sense to me.  Wish I could go over there, sit with your Mom and give you a well deserved break.  It sounds like you are working through big things, acknowledging your feelings because they are real.  Do not judge yourself, you are being real and truthful.

Does you Mom stay alone when you are out at work?  Can you make a decision to go out, even for a short time, one or two evenings a week to renew your strenght.

Seeing you, hearing you Hops,

axa

[Hopalong]

Thank you so much, Daylily...that really helps.

Thank you too, Axa...I appreciate it very much.

I do plan to ease into more escapes. Part of my problem is the back, it tends to be hurting after work so much that I back away from any weeknight activities. But that's what the pillls are for. I think I may sign up for an interesting adult RE (religious ed) class...we have good ones.

The w/e getaway to N. Carolina to see my D will help a lot. (A few weeks later, she's coming here.) And in March, I'm going on a women's overnight retreat with women from my church. Then at the end of April I go on a relaxed church retreat to a mountain lodge. All these things are such a help.

I do have to hire someone to stay with Mom, so it costs, but they always manage. I think it's good for her to get a break from me too.

hugs,
Hops

[spyralle]

Hops, You need some respite even if your mother doesn't...

Can you set some time aside regularly which is just for you, where you can just be with yourself and do exactly what you want.  This sounds all consuming...

If your mom won't go for respite is there someone who could come in and help?

I'm glad you have your church.  Remember that ambivalence is normal...  It's good that you are not suppressing either thought.  Acknowledging both ways of thinking is the healthiest way to be..

Lots and lots of love

Spyralle

[Hopalong]

Thanks so much, Spy. I am investigating someone to come in afternoons, and maybe I could have them make her supper as part of their duties. That would be a big relief to me. I'm making some calls today.

CB, we can start a Burned-Out Caregivers Club. (You earned membership a long time ago just by virtue of having six kids in the first place--not to mention an all-self, all-the-time kind of mate.)

May I make up a new word usage?:

spout. A self-absorbed human being who marries, but doesn't qualify for the termspouse.

You're right though...we WILL make it.

Tough times are just tough times. Life's still amazing.

Hops

[Dazed1]

Hi Hops,

So glad to hear your Mom is better.

I love the way you elegantly described your conflicting feelings.  Yes, you wish her no harm, but you crave some space of your own.  I understand.

Relief for caregivers is very important.  When I was doing my caregiving, I ignored my needs (Hey, I didn't know I had needs!) and I burnt out.

Please think of your needs and do nice things for yourself.

love,
dazed

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - three times I've started to post here but didn't have the time to say all that I want to.  So I want to let you know that I am sorry for what you are going through.  I am thinking of you and promise to find time to get my thoughts in writing today or tomorrow.  I find myself in such a similar situation - it really helps me sort out my own experience.  - your friend - gaining strength