Axa and CB - You have both helped me move into a better place. I am no longer in the crisis mode where you are but I have been there and I lingered there too long because I could not get the help I needed.
Axa you said, "I guess in the past I would have drowned in the sadness and so do not want to go there again. " You are very wise to hold that. It is you who helped me move past that stage. Somehow I saw that I was looking for rescue from my father or someone who represented my father. That need or longing for rescue actually kept me stuck. There is nothing good that comes from being stuck in the sadness. When you say, "Sometimes I push myself on this road which may be a good thing but also I need to be patient with me." I hear a voice of reason that is moving in the right direction.
I have found the analogy of a physical injury to be helpful in finding the appropriate balance between wanting to be further along and being patient. When I think of my emotional state as having been hit by a mack truck then I can be thankful for my drive to heal that pushes me along the right way through painful physical therapy. I want it to be over, I want to rush it but I am thankful to be moving in the right direction. I am thankful to have the drive to do the necessary work to get better. I stilll long for happiness and I am working hard to overwrite my anxious tapes with images of what it feels like to be happy. The more I can conjure up the feeling the more helpful it is to move me along the right path. I keep looking for inspirational stories of people who have overcome great odds and I keep them in mind. I want to read the book and see the movie "Finding Happyness" about the man who moved from having nothing to being successful. It is possible to move into happiness and we will get there if we hold this belief.
CB
I have to trust them that they will find their way through this just as I will. I have to trust them.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life. I have the feeling that it is sucking everything that I am out of me. All that will be left is skin and lips.
There will be much more than skin and lips left. When you are able to let one and then another find their way you will have more and more energy. As one is successful in find his or her way you will have confidence that another will find his or her way and you will find a little renewal, a bit at a time. You have never HAD to take care of yourself and now you do. My heart aches that you have missed another funeral of someone you loved and is such a short period of time. These are dark days but they will begin to turn. Look for signs of light and focus on the smallest sign for as long as you can. It will get easier but it will happen gradually and if you don't look for the smallest signs you may miss it. Hang your hope on the small things - they grow large the more you notice them.
My heart is with you both and my thanks is too. - your friend - gaining strengt
