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lynn:
I hoping that he isn't, 'cause it would be wonderful to have a great relationship!!

Guest, your post made me ponder....Here's a question to those of you who have been on the Board longer.  You've been through an N-relationship.  You've learned about N-behavior.  You've become more skilled at keeping your antenna up and setting proper boundries.... When you meet a new man... and you are setting these proper boundries from the start,  do these new possible N-beau's show their colors much sooner?

What does your experience tell you?
lynn

seeker:
Hi all,

How about some quick character tests?

1. Borrow a niece or nephew, preferably under 6, and go to a park or amusement park.  Or go to a restaurant and order something messy like spaghetti or ice cream.  If no kids are available, try dogsitting and check the reaction.   :wink:

2. Go over to his family's house and watch how his mom and dad interact together.  Or listen to how he talks about his mother/sisters...

3. Play a card game or board game that you're really good at.  

4. Acid test: pick a topic of your choosing and time how long he is able to listen.   :shock:   No sports, business, politics.

Good luck, Seeker   :)

sslichterj:
This is my first post, but wanted to tell you that 30 years ago (while in the early stages of dealing with the N in my life) I asked my then therapist if there was some way to test the character of the person I was beginning to date. He said..on the second or third date when you are planning to go somewhere fairly nice (so the N will be clean and dressed) tell him when he arrives that you have had an emergency with your car (which, of course, will need to be real..a flat tire being the best.  The emergency will be that you need the car early the next morning.  Ask that he change the flat for you and watch the reaction.

I, frankly thought that was really far out, and when I have told that to people since then, they have looked at me as if I have a second head.  But, after 22 years of dealing with this N, I now...just now...realize that what he was telling me was true.  

Little miracles, one right after the other have been occuring over the last few weeks, culminating in my finding this site.  Thank Heaven.  I am so glad to be here. Am the daugter of a N mother.  The story of how that has affected my life (I am now 60), would take too long to tell.  Let me just say I belong here.  I have so much to learn.  I need to be here and I am so grateful that all of you are here.  Sally

Anonymous:
you know, I've thought about this a lot this week, and I'm not ready for a relationship.
I'm just lonely and -dare I say it- sexually frustrated.

The tyre thing is interesting. My n-husband would be the perfect gentleman on that one, change the tyre, be very flambouyant about it, and boy would you be expected to be grateful!

The listening thing is interesting, maybe I have just been unlucky with the men I meet, but so many of them want to talk not listen. Most men frankly bore me talking about themselves all the time, or turning everything around to what they think. I get much more connection with the women and children in my life in terms of companionship and intellectual stimulation. Whenever I get to know a man I find he's looking for someone to give him therapy or mothering, and I've never yet had a relationship ( even a friendship ) with a man where this hasn't happened, even if they hid it well and seemed really together at first. I've come to the conclusion that men seem to utilise intimacy in relationships to work on themselves!

rosencrantz:

--- Quote ---Little miracles, one right after the other have been occuring over the last few weeks, culminating in my finding this site. Thank Heaven. I am so glad to be here. Am the daugter of a N mother. The story of how that has affected my life (I am now 60), would take too long to tell. Let me just say I belong here. I have so much to learn. I need to be here and I am so grateful that all of you are here. Sally
--- End quote ---


Hugs and welcome, Sally.
R

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