There's another way

[daylily guest]

Hello all:

I've started a new thread because I feel that if I say this in response to a particular comment, it may be taken as confrontational.  I don't mean that.

But I've been reading over the past day or two a lot of posts about narcissistic mothers and various responses to them.  About forgiveness and validation. And this has been unexpectedly upsetting to me.  Perhaps I simply don't belong here anymore, because my own narcissistic mother is gone, and so I am no longer subjected to the day-to-day stress of dealing with her or putting myself back together after having dealt with her.  I don't know.

But I do know that there are many responses one can have to a narcissistic parent.  There are degrees of narcissism, and degrees of response to narcissism.  Family relationships are complicated, and everyone places slightly different value on them.  We all know this.

What I want to say is this:  I chose to try to love my mother.  I chose to try to help her.  And I will not feel weak, or self-abusive, or victimized because I did so.  I made every one of those choices freely, and I don't regret any of them.   I chose to remain engaged with her, and to have the best relationship I could with her.  I do not categorize that as toxic hope.  I chose to forgive her and to arm myself with the knowledge that she had done--and would probably continue to do--things that required forgiveness.  I didn't expect or ask her to change.  I expected and asked myself to change, and the changes I could make gave me the ability to care about her and value her while preserving, I think, a clear knowledge of who she was (at least, as far as her treatment of me was concerned). 

I don't say this to criticize or blame any of you who choose a different course.  You are who you are, and I really don't know what you've had to deal with.  But I had to say this, because a lot of what has been written here lately makes me feel somehow accused of being weak or stupid or masochistic.  I know no one is speaking to my situation directly, which is why I'm not speaking to anyone's post directly.

But please, I ask you to remember that not all choices other than yours are toxic or simply evidence of one's unenlightened preference for victimhood.

daylily

[Gaining Strength]

Oh daylily - you definitely belong here, if for no other reason that your own voice of reason.  Your post is so full of compassion and kindness.  There is always room for and need for those.  So glad you posted.  It touched me.

It has been clear to me for a long time that the only way out of my darkness was to take responsibility for myself.  My experienc with Ns had clouded my vision but it is still my responsibility.  What I value so much here is learning how to claim my own power and how to move from feeling victimized to taking some power and control of my life.  You so poignantly have described that passage.  - Gaining strength

[moonlight52]

Hi daylilly

I believe that there are relationships that are not as difficult as others you and your mom were lucky and love was the key.
personally I wish this was the case for all .

I celebrate with you that your relationship was held intact this is so good.
this is not always so.
Sometimes a relationship can be so toxic no matter what the label the only way is to say well this is not working and its OK .

I am so glad you and your mom had the kind of relationship that you did not have to part.

love to you

m

[Stormchild]

Daylily --

If I were to take the dose of lithium that you need to stabilize yourself during a major mood event, it would probably kill me.

You are bipolar; I am depressive. What is healing medication to you would be deadly poison to me.

Can you please, please try to understand and accept that if I had taken the approach to my toxic parent that you were able to take to yours, that would also probably have killed me?

Just because there are people here whose situations and solutions differ from yours does not mean that we are in any way criticizing or refusing to accept you and your situation. It only means that our situations, and our solutions, differ from yours. Not better, not worse, just different.

Please, please, please try to accept us, and ours. There is enough room here for everyone and every story.

((((((((((Daylily))))))))))

[Dazed1]

Hi Daylily,

I agree with what everyone has posted here.

First, I'm happy for you that you found a way to deal with your mom and had a good relationship with her.

Second, as you and everyone has said, each of us is different and each of us has had different relationships with our different mothers.

Third, my Mom and Storm's Mom have both passed on, but we are STILL AFFECTED by our mothers.  The mother/child realtionship is probably the strongest relationship there is and it's emotional and psychological effects survive the mother's death, especially for a daughter.

Fourth, why would you view someone else's experiences as being some sort of attack on you?  I think this is the key point of your post.

"...I had to say this, because a lot of what has been written here lately makes me feel somehow accused of being weak or stupid or masochistic."

"But please, I ask you to remember that not all choices other than yours are toxic or simply evidence of one's unenlightened preference for victimhood."

With all due respect Daylili, I must say you're wrong on these 2 points.

One thing I have learned since I became aware of voicelessness and Ns is that nobody can make you feel anything.   You are feeling your particular feelings because some of the things we have said have triggered something for you.  Is it guilt? 

No one has crossed your boundaries by describing their experinces and saying how they feel.  No one has said or implied that you or anyone who made different choices is toxic, unenlightened or a victim.

Daylili, please continue to post, but please really look at how you have interpreted this scenario. 

dazed

 

[Leah]

Hi Daylily,

I too agree with what everyone has written in response here, and, maybe you are experiencing some kind of 'trigger' reaction to the postings for some reason.

Everyone's life event is personal and unique to them as an individual person of worth and value. 

And so we are merely expressing our life event(s) here in the hope of understanding, empathy and support. The wonderful gift of validation, helps the healing process from endured hurt and heartache.

Personally, I tried many many times after forgiving again and again, but, finally my health could take no more as I was run down.

Everyone's differing life event(s) is respected and valued.

Warm thoughts and wishes Daylily,

Leah

[moonlight52]

Hi daylilly

My relationship with my mom was very good she was not an n my twin was not either.
I experienced her love I miss her as I do my twin .

Now I remember the sweetness of those relationships with so much gratitude.
my situation or difficulty was not with my mom.(paternal)

Also what looks really messy in someone's life can be a learning tool and a way to release long held in emotions .
Not just for me but my father and others.I only truly wish the best for my family all of us .

Some of the really weird and unkind things being done to control me are well I can only say surprising.
I can not know the feelings of any other person in the world.

I only know I was at a serious point where I just could not go on the way I was period .
too much pain .What is healing for one may not be for another.

No one wishes more than I in my situation that it could have been different.
But in my life I would have had to sacrifice my integrity and being to go on.

I in no way believe daylilly that you would do anything but the best for your self and your mom.

M

[Stormchild]

And... I hope I can speak for 'the group' - we do care about you, daylily, and we are glad you are here.

Please don't take these posts to mean that we don't value you - we do.

And we value your perspective and your experiences.

We just must also value our own... we must, it is crucial to our healing, it is the crux of the damage that was done to us. Not being able to know, or to speak, or to share our truth, the reality of what we experienced, was crippling. Being able to know, and speak, and share it now is essential to our recovery.

Where our experiences and perspectives differ, it's needful that there be room enough for all. I think that's the main message... and it's a positive one.

Sending you peace and light.

[CB123]

ed