Dear Portia (that's a beautiful name):
I think you are very brave to have come here and share your story. You are in a safe place here and are making a safe step to recovery.
The first thing that came to mind from your post was a reaction to what you said about suicide. If you take no other advice from this board, please listen to this:
THERE IS NOTHING COURAGEOUS ABOUT SUICIDE.
I can understand why you might have felt that way sometimes, but suicide does nothing but hurt the people that you left behind, and doesn't make the things you are dealing with now go away, even if you think it will. A truly courageous person is the one who chooses to go on, like YOU have. I believe the opposite of what you said is true: suicide is for the WEAK, not the other way around. You are stronger than that because you have made another choice.
Please don't be afraid of counseling if you have the resources to get it. I know some people here have had bad experiences with a counselor... But the truth is the vast majority of therapists have true good intentions and in my honest opinion I think that after hearing some of your story I think you would really benefit from it. It is good that you tried to confide in a family member about how you are feeling, but the problem is that most families, especially when dysfunction exists, will do their best to "cover up" the stuff they themselves are uncomfortable dealing with. You are not likely going to get the comfort, understanding and solace you need from your mother's immediate family members.
Therapy is only a part of healing, but sometimes it takes a person (therapist) outside of ourselves and our family to point us in the direction of how we do it. We often have lived with what we were taught as "normal" families for so long, we don't realize that it might not be so "normal". I have seen three different counselors, all of them for over two years, at different times of my life, and they all helped - so there is some positive feedback for you on the therapy issue. The last one has brought me "home" so to speak, and I have, for all intents and purposes reached my potential in counseling with her. The rest from this point forward is applying what I learned and living real life as the real me. And I know there are many others here whom have had positive experiences as well. And let's not forget - the creator of this wonderful board is a therapist himself.
If you seek out a therapist and you somehow feel that they are wrong for you, you will know it right away. Don't be afraid to change to another if that's the case. It is a very personal thing. But if you have thought about going - it means that psychologically you are ready to do some work, and you should act on it because some people are never lucky enough to get to that point. You will make it work for you because you want to.
I am sorry for your pain. Please know that there is a way out of this, and that coming here is a great first step. Please go back into old posts on this board and look for one thread called "Books that have helped you understand". There is some great reading in there that may guide you in your healing and is great if you are a little apprehensive about seeking therapy yet. Good Luck to you.
