I'm feeling really stupid and sad right now

[debkor]

I have spoken about my friend in the Honesty and Friendship thread.
I will call my friend B. B and I met 14 years ago.  B appeared to be the typical mom.  Stay at home, clean, cook, and bake maybe even a super mom.  B’s husband ran the business and when the shop closed B’s husband went out drinking.  B tried to get him to stay home by claiming she was sick, the kids were sick, she needed him to drive to the store, make candlelight dinners, buy him flowers anything she could think of.  B spent many of times on the phone late at night and when it wasn’t with me she would be out looking for her h.  She told me the things he would say and do.  He was mean.  He threw his wedding rings at her.  B’s h had a drinking problem.  This went on and on.  In-between B started to talk about her life with her family as a kid.  She grew up with a father who drank all the time.  He would not come home and when he did sometimes it was with no money.
There was a time that her and her siblings were put in foster care so her mom could go out looking for her dad cause she loved him so much. She told me she was very close to her dad and she was always the favorite. She told me how he ignored the other kids but took her with him.  She told me her mother resented her for that.  She always made it clear to me SHE WAS THE FAVORITE.  She told me how her mother always found fault with her and thought there was something wrong with her.  She admitted she was full of hell but nothing that sounded awful or any different from any other teenager. Her mom labeled her as abnormal and the bad kid.  She resented her mom for resenting her.
She acknowledged her fathers not so good image but ignored what he did cause he loved her (She was the favorite). 
She had a really rocky marriage probably since the time she got married.  B would complain to me about her mother and how she needed her mom and her mom would always take everyone else’s side but hers.  She told me when she cried to her mom about her marriage her mom responded with (B boys will be boys) let him sleep it off.  He provides an income for the family.  She was so desperate for mom advice that I think she adopted me as her mom.  I would get crazy with what she told me, I would be outraged with the responses that were given to her. 
 I always new B was very needy and most of the talk was about her and she only responded when it was about her.  Yet she did really kind things also.  So I was really confused. 
B’s marriage fell apart but that’s another long story. 
Don’t get me wrong here B was not innocent to her marriage it was a two way street.
B was the best of the con’s and making people feel sorry for her while she was using them for her own best interest.
I think my friend B might be an N but I’m not sure. I think she learned from the best Her MOM!
I AM GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!!!  I FEEL TERRIBLE AFTER READING THE BAD MOMMY TABOO POST. I DIDN’T KNOW.
B always told me her mom didn’t love her.  I would respond with Oh now B she might not be the best mom but she loves you. 
She always told me that her mom favored her son and left her two girls out. I said now B that’s not true.   
 
B’s mom would call me and ask if I could speak to B about her behavior.  What she was doing to her children.  She said B respected me and maybe I could control her and get through to her. Her freaking mom even told me that B was an N.  Her mom also expressed to me that B was created by her dad cause her dad use to treat her as if she should have been carried around on a satin pillow.  That sometimes she felt like B was the wife and not she. B was right her mom was Jealous of her.   I heard from my own ears from B’s mom about how bad B was, how selfish B was, how B got everything she wanted, B was never good enough, B could never do enough.  WELL MOM YOU FREAKING CREATED B.  MABYE I SHOULD START WITH YOU AND WHAT A SHIT MOM YOU WERE.  YOU TOOK A CHILD AND TWISTED AND NEGLECTED HER EMOTIONS AND NEEDS AND THEN WONDER WHY SHE DON’T HAVE ANY?   
Recently B’s dad has died of a heart attack.  B had expressed to me that she had no one left and the only one that loved her is gone. She has no more family.
Now me.  Now I’m gone.  Have I let her down even more?  Maybe I’m a shit friend?
I cannot help her anymore.  It was destroying me.  My blood pressure is up, I’m stressed out to my eyeballs and I’m sadder then hell. It’s not easy to let go.  I loved her like a sister but she is so toxic.
She reminds me of a 5-year-old child sometimes who needs to be loved so desperately.
No matter what she turned out to be or what she lacked as a child or an adult she has a voice and yes I will say for her SHE HAD A BAD MOM.  I was a coward and thought her mom was half a nut but never had the courage to say so.  You don’t talk like that about mom’s right?   God, I’m so sorry I never acknowledged her voice if only for that.  I feel so stupid. 



Deb

[gratitude28]

You have no need to feel guilty deb. If anything I would feel annoyed that you got played as a pawn in the middle of this family. What a mess!!! Even if you could untangle who was what... they are ALL a mess. I would disassociate myself from all of them. They use you to play their silly games.

(((((Deb))))))) anyone can get taken in, especially a nice person who cares about others. Use this as a lesson and look for better friends and healthier relationships. Now that I have some nice friends, I can see where I was picking the wrong types before.

Take care Deb, and please try to look at this from the outseide instead of from the hurt inside.

Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

hi (((((((((Deb))))))))))))

My first thought is that we can be damaged ourselves if we hang around with toxic people. We must look after ourselves first.

Now that might sound selfish but I mean in the way that we must make ourselves as healthy as can be, so we attract healthy people, and send out healthy vibes.

Toxic people can ruin our health i.e Hypertension as you say you have, stress, rashes, neck pains etc. --stress is not just "in out minds".

Had I known about Ns when I met one, I might have reconized red flags, and one was that after 3 months, all was still going well, movies, dinner, trips, walks in the part, etc. but I devleloped pains in my upper arms. It was ever-present. I thought it was from the a/c on all night. I thought it was arthritis and bought a cream for it. I thought it was from using the computer.

I had no idea that my body was warning me about the company I was keeping.

Fast Forward to now and I am pain free~~~~~~I was flabberghasted when my therapist told me.

Take Care
Izzy

[Stormchild]

Deb, beth is right. You truly don't need to feel guilty.

You see -- you SAW. When you read about the bad mommy taboo, you SAW and UNDERSTOOD. You didn't run away from it, you didn't get mad at me for posting it or others for finding truth in it.

You don't have to get mad at you, either. Truly you don't need to feel guilty, or feel ashamed.

Why? Because...

You really DID do the best that you knew how to do at the time.

Now, you know something more, and your best will be different because of that.

If you were invested in denial, cared more about your 'image' than you care about your friend, were unwilling to see new things, then you wouldn't have been doing your best.

But that isn't how it is.

You immediately tried to take in the new information and opened up to it, you regret not having understood... Deb, this proves! Proves! Proves! that you WERE sincerely trying to do your best before!

I hope you can see this, because it's so clear and true. You loved your friend all that you could. You did everything for her that you could.

Deb, you were the best friend to her that you could possibly have been. You can take comfort from that, because it is true.

[debkor]

Thank you so much for all your words and comfort.  I know in my heart and soul I did the right thing by ending the friendship and cutting ties with them all.  I was upset though by not acknowledging that she did have a bad mom (that part bothered me a lot after I read it.)  I needed to say it. I couldn’t say it to her. I wouldn’t say it to her for if I did that means we would have contact and I do not want that again.  Your right I do not need anymore pain in my life.   I am sorry for her that she had such a bad mom and I’m sorry for her children that they have such a bad mom the cycle goes on.   This is the only place that I would have said that. It’s safe here.  It’s a place where I can say my regrets of not knowing and yet not opening any doors to let the crap back in my life.  I am learning.  I am thankful to you all. 
It feels almost like a death, I was shocked, I was mad, I was sad and now I’m letting it go and putting it to rest.
Love you all
Deb

[Stormchild]

"blessed are those who mourn, for they WILL be comforted..."

((((((((((Deb))))))))))

[seastorm]

Deb,

I think you were more a therapist than a friend and this role is not a good one for a friend. You were truly caught in the middle of a very mixed up family. Each person had there reality and expected you to validate it. Whaaaaat???????
That sounds so exhausting. No wonder you felt so stressed.
The gift from all that was that you learned to listen to your body and you discovered some boundaries that you needed.
This kind of one way listening that you experienced with your friend is so draining. Hopefully, you will choose to be with people where listening is reciprocal.

Take good care of yourself and be with people who listen and like you.

Love,
sea storm

[Bones]

I have spoken about my friend in the Honesty and Friendship thread.
I will call my friend B. B and I met 14 years ago.  B appeared to be the typical mom.  Stay at home, clean, cook, and bake maybe even a super mom.  B’s husband ran the business and when the shop closed B’s husband went out drinking.  B tried to get him to stay home by claiming she was sick, the kids were sick, she needed him to drive to the store, make candlelight dinners, buy him flowers anything she could think of.  B spent many of times on the phone late at night and when it wasn’t with me she would be out looking for her h.  She told me the things he would say and do.  He was mean.  He threw his wedding rings at her.  B’s h had a drinking problem.  This went on and on.  In-between B started to talk about her life with her family as a kid.  She grew up with a father who drank all the time.  He would not come home and when he did sometimes it was with no money.
There was a time that her and her siblings were put in foster care so her mom could go out looking for her dad cause she loved him so much. She told me she was very close to her dad and she was always the favorite. She told me how he ignored the other kids but took her with him.  She told me her mother resented her for that.  She always made it clear to me SHE WAS THE FAVORITE.  She told me how her mother always found fault with her and thought there was something wrong with her.  She admitted she was full of hell but nothing that sounded awful or any different from any other teenager. Her mom labeled her as abnormal and the bad kid.  She resented her mom for resenting her.
She acknowledged her fathers not so good image but ignored what he did cause he loved her (She was the favorite). 
She had a really rocky marriage probably since the time she got married.  B would complain to me about her mother and how she needed her mom and her mom would always take everyone else’s side but hers.  She told me when she cried to her mom about her marriage her mom responded with (B boys will be boys) let him sleep it off.  He provides an income for the family.  She was so desperate for mom advice that I think she adopted me as her mom.  I would get crazy with what she told me, I would be outraged with the responses that were given to her. 
 I always new B was very needy and most of the talk was about her and she only responded when it was about her.  Yet she did really kind things also.  So I was really confused. 
B’s marriage fell apart but that’s another long story. 
Don’t get me wrong here B was not innocent to her marriage it was a two way street.
B was the best of the con’s and making people feel sorry for her while she was using them for her own best interest.
I think my friend B might be an N but I’m not sure. I think she learned from the best Her MOM!
I AM GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!!!  I FEEL TERRIBLE AFTER READING THE BAD MOMMY TABOO POST. I DIDN’T KNOW.
B always told me her mom didn’t love her.  I would respond with Oh now B she might not be the best mom but she loves you. 
She always told me that her mom favored her son and left her two girls out. I said now B that’s not true.   
 
B’s mom would call me and ask if I could speak to B about her behavior.  What she was doing to her children.  She said B respected me and maybe I could control her and get through to her. Her freaking mom even told me that B was an N.  Her mom also expressed to me that B was created by her dad cause her dad use to treat her as if she should have been carried around on a satin pillow.  That sometimes she felt like B was the wife and not she. B was right her mom was Jealous of her.   I heard from my own ears from B’s mom about how bad B was, how selfish B was, how B got everything she wanted, B was never good enough, B could never do enough.  WELL MOM YOU FREAKING CREATED B.  MABYE I SHOULD START WITH YOU AND WHAT A SHIT MOM YOU WERE.  YOU TOOK A CHILD AND TWISTED AND NEGLECTED HER EMOTIONS AND NEEDS AND THEN WONDER WHY SHE DON’T HAVE ANY?   
Recently B’s dad has died of a heart attack.  B had expressed to me that she had no one left and the only one that loved her is gone. She has no more family.
Now me.  Now I’m gone.  Have I let her down even more?  Maybe I’m a shit friend?
I cannot help her anymore.  It was destroying me.  My blood pressure is up, I’m stressed out to my eyeballs and I’m sadder then hell. It’s not easy to let go.  I loved her like a sister but she is so toxic.
She reminds me of a 5-year-old child sometimes who needs to be loved so desperately.
No matter what she turned out to be or what she lacked as a child or an adult she has a voice and yes I will say for her SHE HAD A BAD MOM.  I was a coward and thought her mom was half a nut but never had the courage to say so.  You don’t talk like that about mom’s right?   God, I’m so sorry I never acknowledged her voice if only for that.  I feel so stupid. 



Deb

Deb,

You didn't know and you had no way of knowing before you found this Board and started finding various pieces of the jigsaw puzzle to start piecing information together.  Please don't beat yourself up for that.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, from an alcoholic/rageaholic family and I recognize just about EVERYTHING that your friend, B, has experienced.  One of the things that have helped me deal with the same experiences as B was Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics.  Both groups helped me learn to "detach with love".  They are a good resource when anyone needs face-to-face support.  Just my thoughts.

Bones

[mudpuppy]

Hey deb,

The sad fact is the world is full of screwed up people. If we are going to condemn ourselves for every one that we can't fix or don't speak up for or don't say the right thing to, we might as well get an orange crate and a noose and go find the nearest tree to end it all.
At some point your friend has to take responsibility for fixing herself. Many people here have had parents worse than your friend, but they're working on themselves not manipulating others.

Everybody gets dealt some jokers. Responsible adults play them as they're dealt and do the best they can without unduly burdening others. The irresponsible and childish among us try to pass them off as a pair of aces to the poor chump on their right, accompanied by either a charming smile or a bucket full of tears.

mud

[ANewSheriff]

Deb,

This kind of dependency is good neither for you or your friend.  You get drained and she continues to lean on you for emotional stroking that she needs to reach deep down and find within herself.  She is most likely a bottomless pit and no matter how much she is offered in the way of love and support she will only hunger for more.  As painful as this may be for your friend (to be alone in the world), it may be just what the doctor ordered in that she will have the opportunity to break this cyclical pattern of trying to fill up this hole she has with other people, places, and things.  If there is someone nearby and available she will otherwise take this easier, softer route because embarking on true self-discovery is most definitely the painful "road less traveled".  Removing yourself from her may be the best thing that ever happened to her because it removes her habitual crutches.  Hang in there, Deb... 

ANS   

[Stormchild]

Hey Deb -- haven't seen you back here; hope you are OK.