I came back to this site and I realize that this is incredibly important. That quote describes a dynamic that can absorb or suck in even the most bright, intelligent, capable person. The N learns to calculate the distance requiired to intimidate the partner into scrambling to get into their good graces. It becomes like a cat and moiuse game that someone who gets off on power really enjoys.
I wish I knew how power corrupts a love relationship. I don't want to ge with someone who does this. I don't want to do it to others. Once my N learned that I would try harder if he distanced himself , it bought out a sadistic part of himself. In the end he would do things like expect me to allow him to go off and have an affair, saying " A good marriage can withstand an affair". Luckily, there was enough of me left that I just rebelled and started freaking out and yelling at him. I couldn't stand his presence and I knew there were so many lies that there was nothing of value left. For some obscure reason N thought it was ok to lie. I let a lot of lies just slip by me after awhile. As his personality started to disintegrate, he started to lie compulsively about nearly everything. He would compulsively say that he was going to do something and then he would not do it. It was incredibly crazy making. I realize that he was devaluing me and setting up things so that I would explode. His little denigrations were incessant. For intstance, he would say, " that kitty litter stinks!!!". He was commenting on my housekeeping while expecting me to jump up and clean it out. It was unthinkable for him to do it.
I guess the real question is what sets a person up to be dominated in this sick way? Why be so afraid of abandonment that I would put up with it?
It seems cruel of mother nature to give a child a mother who is an N and then doom that child to repeating the abuse by choosing a partner who re enacts the drama.
Sea storm
