Hi, I'm new here...N mother?

[JayBailey]

I found this site while I was browsing NPD...I was discussing my mother's behavior elsewhere and someone suggested I should check this stuff out.

It all clicks, all along the line.  As far back as I can remember. 

Extreme, constant concern with appearances above all else. 

Invalidating my feelings...twisting my words...that didn't really hurt, and anyway you have to suffer to be beautiful...I didn't say that (hurtful thing), you told it to X about me...the people who are nice to you are lying, I'm the only one who ever tells you the truth, and truth always hurts...

Behavior that was almost certainly based on envy, but always making out other people were the jealous ones.  Comparisons, comparisons, comparisons, and me always coming off worse in them.

Expecting me, as a girl, to be an extension of her, wear the same clothes, like the same kind of men, have the same damn attitude (sexist, racist, and basically stuck in the 40s) to everything. 

And the 'divide and conquer' thing, so that I thought the rest of my family agreed with her that I was horrible when in fact, it's more recently become clear that they've found her behavior equally intolerable and are actually on my side.

I married to get away from her...to another N.  That's a whole different story in itself.  I divorced, and have now been married for some years to a lovely, sweet man who actually loves me rather than controlling me.  But it's taken a long time to work out where all the cr*p, the bouts of depression, the paranoia, the crippling lack of confidence, was coming from.

I haven't gone into much detail here.  I'm sure more will come out, but I'm finding more and more pointers to what's actually been going on all these years.  And, yes, I'm angry, but relieved in a way to find that I wasn't bad or crazy, that there was another explanation. 

I consider myself in recovery, but I still need to practice self-protective tactics (she is still around, in poor health and, guess what, requiring someone to look after her...which I will NOT give up my job, husband and home to do), so I'd be grateful for any advice.  Or just to be able to talk about this, really. 

Thanks for listening.

*******************
JB

[Overcomer]

JB:  The light that comes on when you can identify that feeling deep inside that just doesn't feel right.  Wondering how you could have gone all your life and not understood that that is not how "normal" people operate.  It is so insidious..........people from the outside don't know you are from a dysfunctional family because your family has tried so hard to appear "normal."  But as I have gone through this journey (and I believe it IS a journey and you never really "arrive.") I am able to identify behaviors in people that are glaringly obvious to me.  Like my aunt.  No one but no one can correct her.  No one.  If they do she has an excuse.  And if it is someone who she believes is below her - then she plays the victim and tries to get that person in trouble because they had the audacity to point out a mistake......................sorry for the side track.........anyway all that to say that dysfunction is dysfunction.......and most of us on this board have gotten to the point where we have at least identified that someone we have in our lives is a Narcissist..........but also that that Narcissist is flawed as well and that is why they act the way they do.

Peace to you and use the people on this board to rant.  Read other people's posts and help them by exposing some of their irrational thinking.  Ask questions.  Learn from our mistakes. 

Welcome Kell

[Stormchild]

JB: check out the 'destitute parent' laws in your state, and talk to an accountant... some states allow a parent to sue an adult child for financial support... you don't want her to find out about this option, if it is one in your state, but you need to be forewarned about it. Nursing homes also have this ugly habit of going after the kids' money once they've taken the last dollar from the parents.

You need to protect yourself financially as well as emotionally, and awareness is key.

Best of luck to you, and welcome!

[isittoolate]

Welcome JB

Having an N mother then means you've been exposed to dysfunctional behaviour all your life (I don't have to tell you that) I have/had, as he is dead, an N father and an N sister so the same goes for me. I just didn't recognize it. Then I had an N of my very own to compound the abuse.

Growing up I always felt I was wrong, I was to blame, amongst 2 parents and 4 siblings. There was no guidance in the home and how I ever survived is beyond me, as I always felt there was something wrong with me.

I ended up with an N, 8 years ago. I was 59 and that experience was horrendous. It took me back to my childhood and when I left him I saw a therapist and she diagnosed him as an N. Everything began to fall into place, in the past 4 years, and I am now 67.

Do I feel like a fool? Well yes, but now I know that not everything and anything was my fault and that "whatever was wrong with me"  was all of life's dysfunction and not believing in myself.

No voice, literally, for so many years and no guts to speak up.

Extreme, constant concern with appearances above all else. 

Raised on a farm, and when the haying had to be done, dad would not work on a sunny Sunday; the neighbours didn't, but Monday it would rain and he still couldn't do the haying with it all wet in the fields and he ran around raging all day, because now he couldn't work for 4 days, what with the hay drying out on top then going out to turn it over to dry the bottom. It was not a home whereby someone could point out that one day of work could save us 5 days of his raging.

As you continue to monitor yourself, more and more will come to light,--actually my N sister came to light to me on this Board---I am so grateful because I thought she knew it all and now I realize differently.

.....and I see we are not too old to learn. but it it is difficult to unlearn certain behaviours/ways of thinking.

and thanls to kell for The light that comes on when you can identify that feeling deep inside that just doesn't feel right because I had doesn't feel right for over 63 years.

This is a good place.
Cheers
isittoolate

Shortened down to
Izzy

[Leah]

Hello and welcome JB,

I am relatively new here, and have been posting regarding my Nmother, and, I can very much identify and validate your experience with that of mine, with genuine heartfelt empathy. 

Keep posting, as and when you feel comfortable in doing so.  It really is so good to read any relevant previous posts etc., that you can cope with during each session here, and also, the addendum forum has helpful resources. 

The poeple here are helpful, supportive, encouraging, and insightful, having experienced the same - which brings a huge sigh of relief, when one receives much needed validation.

Warm wishes,

Leah

[JayBailey]

Thanks all.

Stormchild - I'm in the UK.  I just read that 'destitute parent' thing further down the board - horrifying, very glad it doesn't apply here!  Financially (because she has no house they can try and make her sell) the issue is council paying for care home (subject to top-up fees but they can't force a relative to pay them), or council paying for professional carers in her own home (tricky, because it's often inadequate unless you're virtually helpless). 

I think the real issue here is what SHE wants v. my life and what's actually practical.  Control, as always.  Grateful for family backup anyway (fortunately I don't think we have any other Ns in the family.)

I'll keep checking things out on here and add my bit if and when it feels right...thanks again.

*****
JB