Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

It's about the kids

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Wildflower:
Hi Lynn,

It took reading the other posts on this thread to get that I'd misinterpreted your original posting.   :oops:   I'd assumed it was a general question, but now that I'm more familiar with your history, I can understand more of where the question is coming from.

All the other posters had such great suggestions, that I'm not sure I can add to it.  Kind of still sorting my own stuff out (which I guess is pretty obvious  :? ).

Wildflower

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Wildflower ---
Because her mother continually invaded her physical and emotional privacy, my mother adopted an across-the-board let-her-figure-it-out-on-her-own approach when it came to addressing my needs.  She saw me suffering with my depression, obesity, and fighting with my father, but she figured it was normal or not something to interfere with because it was so much better than what she had grown up with.  Better, perhaps.  Damaging in a different way, absolutely.

If my mother had done a little more child development research (something I’m committed to doing) and raised me as a new person not yet involved in the drama of her own abuse instead of as a reaction to her mother and a reminder of her own childhood, it may have been easier to identify the needs of her child.  And even if she couldn't deal all of those needs herself - find someone who couldMy two cents.
--- End quote ---


Wildflower, this was a valuable input to this thread. It got me thinking about how as parents, when we head off to the extreme, any extreme, whatever extreme that may be, we still cause damage. It's just different damage. I saw this operating years ago in a  couple of communes I lived in. I'm an old reformed now civilised ex-hippie from the 70's. Major studies were done later about a why so many communes failed. So many of the communes that started up in the late 60's a the 70's failed, majorly, catastropically. It became a bit of a fad to analyse and over-analyse the successful ones v the failed ones. But mostly the failures came from the extremes they adopted. These mini-societies went totally over the top in permissiveness in some areas, and became completely anally retentive in others.

For example, one commune that I lived on, some parents actually openly encouraged their pre-adolescents children to explore each other sexually, within the same family, like brothers an sisters. The joke went, 'Incest, the game the whole family can play.' This was shocking, but in that environment of permissiveness it was so acceptable and discussed alonside 'pass the lentils' at the dinner table. One other elite exclusive commune that failed big-time had a membership age rule. No-one over 40 I think it was. This was doomed. There was no wisdom of age in the whole community, it was such an artificial environment.

The bottom line is how to find good, healthy, normal. To lose the baggage passed on to us from our sometimes well-meaning but highly efficiently destructive parents. To not repeat their mistakes, but also to not just focus on doing things differently. Different might not neccessarily be better, That's the thought you brought to surface in my mind Wildflower. Well done. Not to just try to be a different parent to mine, and end up being one different but equally as bad. Everyone else here would want to be the best parent they possibly can be. This is the quest that I'm on too. Thanks

Guest

Anonymous:
Wildflower, hello, I’ve been reading you. Please don’t be embarrassed! I’m not sure you did misinterpret Lynn’s post: I may have, she may not have wanted a personalised response. It’s a free board, please continue to talk, and don’t worry about ‘fitting in’ with a thread or saying something alternative. I just want to hear more of your voice! Carry on sorting, here if you wish. I’m still sorting…I just kind of get waylaid by conversations. Not very focussed I’m afraid, that’s my problem. Anyway, I just reacted to your  :oops:  - and wanted to say, it’s ok. :D

Hiya again Lynn! What do you think? How’s it going? P

Portia:
..ok, how did I manage to log myself out then?  :roll: That was me above...P

Anonymous:
It's just different damage. I saw this operating years ago in a couple of communes I lived in.

this is really interesting.
one of my former friends lived like this, not the sexual permissiveness though, and I always thought they were a 'together' lot, especially her eldest who always seemed 'ahead of his time' if you know what I mean.
Mid-twenties he had a major breakdown, and I wonder now that he was actually being 'mature' to comply or compensate for what maybe he experienced as chaotic? and he lost something of his childhood as a result.

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