Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
narcisism?
cj:
Post deleted by c.j.
Portia:
Welcome CJ. :) I’m English, never been in therapy (yet) so I can only use ordinary words to talk to you! So – your story so far is pretty horrible. Your family set up – excuse me – sounds weird from the start. Daughters with children don’t usually live just with their Dads you know? (I’m pretty direct and challenging, but other posters will be gentler, I promise, so don’t take offence, okay?) Was it always just the family of three? Do you know anything about your father? (Your mother telling you you’d be like him….just gets me mad.) As for the head-banging on the floor – inexcusable. So humiliating if not downright dangerous! How did you feel? Were you physically hurt? Angry? (You don’t have to answer, I’m just going to a similar place in my childhood.)
Stick around. This is emotional survival here, and it sounds as though that may apply to you eh? So many of your words ring bells, I’m a bit annoyed on your behalf, just listening. It doesn’t matter if it was narcissism or whatever ‘disorder’: it is your reaction. You said “I'm not really sure if my emotions were considered valid”. What do you think? (I don’t think from what you’ve said your emotions were ever considered at all, whether valid or invalid.) If I sound harsh, it’s because I’m against therapists putting words in your mouth: has that happened? I’m glad you posted! Please tell us more if and when you feel like it. Over to my more gentler colleagues here…. Very best wishes, P
PS Your mother sounds cold, unloving and manipulative. Just like so many!
PPS. Okay I’ve calmed down from reading your post and read it again. Your mother seemed to give you this conflicting stuff: letting you believe the outside world was dangerous(?) or that you might be vulnerable in the outside world? And then being cruel about you crying when you had to go back to school. Not nice, not good for anyone.
You said:
--- Quote ---i just feel ive been running away from even those thoughts, in my numbness, running away from myself. ITS ALL theory though! I'm just getting imatient waiting on answers.
--- End quote ---
I get impatient too. And I ran away from myself, for a long time. I guess I should ask: what would you like from this board? Our unscientific group diagnosis of your mother and grandfather, or some questions to you about yourself and how you are? Or both? Or do you feel a little like I have, I wanted to ask ‘please show me who I am?’. Please talk some more!
seeker:
Welcome CJ
You're in the right place. Your story has one big thing in common with mine: you didn't feel you had the right to exist.
I'm only guessing, but your mother was angry at your dad and you were around to vent on. She had to do something with the anger, so she downloaded it onto you. As for your own feelings, you were allowed to express them because our parents are barely able to deal with their own! This also probably reminded your mother that you are a separate human being (not allowed!)
What you lived through is not "normal" (the bit about your grandfather is appalling) but sometimes it hard to know that when this type of living is all you knew. I truly feel for you. Please stick around for company, read posts, and post more of your own questions as you like. You are welcome here. Best, Seeker
cj:
Post deleted by c.j.
rosencrantz:
Hi cj - a story like yours puts my 'survival' story to shame. I know we've had other people feel exhausted just trying to write a reply - I guess you are wading through a lot of emotion in order to communicate and that is exhausting (even if you don't yet recognise the emotion).
There's a lot of discussion about narcissism here but the Board has a much wider remit than that - it's about voicelessness - some of us manage to hide our voices until we find someone to hear us, some people shout a lot to make others hear them - but sometimes people lose theirs altogether. I am glad you have found a small voice to share your story with us. I hope you find a way in time to make it much louder. :wink:
I think you are very brave to post here. There is space for you here when you need it.
R
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