Not sure where to start!!!!!

[sandra]

My childhood was quite normal in lots of ways but my Mum always wanted to control my life........
I was never allowed out to play until i had helped clean the house from top to bottom....You see i had a disabled sister who required a lot of help, so it was expected that i got on and did all the things to help my Mum because she was working and also caring for my sister.

Friends were never allowed round for sleep overs as this would muck up the house and she didn't have the time. I just thought that this was normal.....i was never jealous of my sister she is a wonderful person, but i did feel sad sometimes when friends said that they did this and that with their brothers and sisters.

As i said my Mum always wanted to take control of everything and would always give her orders expecting everyone to drop everything and get the job done straight away.
I went to college and decided that I wanted to be a nurse, so I started to apply to hospitals to do my training.....My mother wanted me to be a hairdresser as i had always said as a child that this was what i wanted to do......but i had changed my mind!! not something that goes down well.
I got a place in a hospital and was told that i could start in the September.
My mum never said very much about any of it and i merrily got things together and moved into to the nurses home to start my training...........My mum was the major problem....she didn't want me to leave home and when she saw the room that i had she said 'I can't believe that you have moved to this dump you need to forget all about this and come back home' this was the first time i had been away from home so found the whole thing very upsetting....my mum became more and more angry that i was not around all week and i was actually scared to go home at the weekend, i got my dad to pick me up so that i did not have to go straight home on my own...
I did carry on and did my training but to keep the peace i learnt to drive and commuted daily, which was a 50 minute drive to work ....but it kept my mother off my back and it meant i could help with my sister when i was not working.

next came boy friends.......I had one boyfriend that i became engaged to on my 18th birthday...my mum thought that he was wonderful and if she told him to do something he always bowed and scraped to her every word........Then i ended it, he was more like a brother than a boyfriend...my mum was not happy about my decession as she said he was like a son to her.
18 months later i started going out with a man 7 years older than me, we went out one Saturday and because i had not stayed home to say goodbye to my mother she went absolutley nuts when i got home that evening...i had such a wonderful day out and she trounced it in seconds.
she tried many times to split us up and kept asking my ex boyfriend round so that i would bump into him...

when i was 20 years old I dared to go away for a few days with my boyfriend and again I had a great time but the minute i got back home i could tell by the way my mother spoke to me that she was not happy. she really went for me accusing me of not being a virgin anymore (as if it had anything to do her!!)
and it wasn't as though i was a young 14year old.

throughout the years if my mum wanted something you have to be prepared to drop everything and run to help no mater what you are doing.
I am now getting divorced from my husband as you have probably read in my last post and my mum has been very supportive but she has gained that control back in my life telling my what she thinks is right and what i should be doing.
I went out last Friday eveing with 3 friends for a meal and onto a night club after, we really let our hair down and had a wonderful evening.....but the next day i was made to feel like a naughty kid again...she came into my house and granted my friend and i were still in bed at 3pm she told me that it was disgusting and she didn't think it was very funny and that i had children to look after (my children are 16 & 13) and the 13year old had been staying the night at my mothers looking after my sister for them while they went out, but it really put a black cloud over a brilliant evening.

why does my mother do this is it just to make me feel guilty or is it because she does not have the control over me when i am out with friends.

Sandra x

[Hopalong]

Yes...both.

Welcome, Sandra. I can relate.

I hope you will stake out your own turf, your own life, and not allow your mother to treat you with disrespect.

This is a good place to work through finding your strength, then using it to set boundaries.

Hops

[sandra]

Hi Hop

I know i am 41years old but how the hell do I set boundaries with my Mother who has always had control. She just makes you feel guilty and says 'well i may not be here much longer' she is 75.
So I have no idea how to even begin.

Sandra x

[Hopalong]

Dear Sandra,
My mother began at around 70 to have "last trips to Europe". There were five, I think.
Then she began to have "this is it" illnesses. She has the constitution of a Clydesdale.
When what was left of my inner child began to stir in rebellion, she'd pull the "I may not be around that much longer" card.
So I'd subside, stifle it, paste the smile back on, feel guilty, feel sick with resentment but be afraid to name that to myself because it produced more guilt.

I'm now 56. She's 96. She eats like a Percheron. She's only become less powerful in the last year.

I finally blew up at her when she was 95. All the boundaries I should've set all along got set in one out of control yelling fit.

For what my tale might be worth...

You have one precious life. You do not have to put owning your own life on hold because your mother wants you to.

And...it does not matter when you start defining boundaries and taking your life back. It only matters that you DO it.

How to start?

Type "boundaries in relationships" into a search engine, print out the list of good boundaries (it's also in our What Helps forum somewhere)--and POST IT where you read it every day.

Take an assertiveness training class. Take it again. (You'll have support.)

Keep posting here.

Take every opportunity, small or large, to set new limits. Follow through.

Don't worry about how long it's been, this time is yours, it's now, it belongs to you, and your life is yours.

You can do it. And if you do it sooner than in your 50s, I know you will be glad.

Hops

[spyralle]

Well this all resonates with me an awful lot.....  I lived with the guilt thing for so long, then I went into therapy.  I learned about projection and I learned that I didn't have to carry the crap any more...  so I followed in your footsteps Hops and let her have it all at one...  I was met with incandescent rage, but you know what.....  Things have been different since then...  Of course they are not fixed...  My nmom is not 'better' but some things have changed.  i am not as scared any more because I came to realise that it was not me...  It was h er..

I'm not saying I am perfect by any means but I know that I have a good heart and am not some evil thing that just causes destruction.  My mum once told me that she was withering away like a grape on a vine and that nobody would know or care if anything happens to her.  That's not true and now I understand that just because she says something doesn't make it real.

Sandra...  You are the person who can shape your life exactly the way you want it.  I'm not saying it's easy becuse fear often gets in the way, but I do know that the others are right.  boundaries are definately the key.  Often when you start to lay boundaries and value yourself you may notice that a lot of your friends have the same controlling traits as your mother.  I found that most relationships I had been in had developed into a game....  The controller and me... the person who would do anything to keep that person happy or to make them love you... even sacrifice yourself...

Seek out people who are just happy to be with you and don't want anything from you....  I am learning for the first time in my life...  And I'm 44.. the simple pleasures of having female friends who do not put me down or have fun at my expense.

Examine it all on here..  People understand where you are coming from.  They will help you lay those tentative boundaries.... 

Start today.... the more boundaries you lay the stronger you become

Spyralle xx

[sandra]

thanks everyone for your support,

love

sandra x

[sandra]

 

Thank you for all your help with my Nmother for the first time ever last night i stood up to her, she text me and asked me if i was cross with her....instead of saying no everything was ok....i said that i was cross with the way she spoke to me in front of my friends and put me down because i had been out for the first time in years enjoying myself at a night club.
She did get cross and said you must do what you want and i wont say anything else....(if only!!!!)

Then she asked if we were still friends!!

I did feel good and almost grown up for standing up for myself.

Thanks Guys i think i am seeing the light for the first time in my life (until next time, I may not be so brave!!)

Sandra x

[pennyplant]

Oh, I bet you will be just as brave next time.  Once you experience this kind of seeing and acting--you don't want to go back to the way it was before.  When you stood up for yourself, something inside you got a little tougher.  A hole got a little more filled in.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

That was huge, Sandra.
You used your voice!

Congrats, and eager to hear more as you discover that voicemuscle of yours...

 

Hops

[spyralle]

Go Sandra.....Go Sandra......Go Sandra xxx

Spyralle x