N Withdrawal/Escapism for the N

[gratitude28]

I found this quote today and it rang a bell for me...

“People who are overly narcissistic commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when criticised. To protect themselves from these dangers, they often react with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight, real or imagined. To avoid such situations, some narcissistic people withdraw socially and may feign modesty or humility.” (

Not too long ago, my mother confided in me that she sometimes wishes she could just never leave her house. She has no interactions with people except saleclerks and waitresses... and she usually treats them rudely unless they are among the "special" few. She does not go anywhere except to shop sometimes. She did take an exercise class for a while, but I believe she was afraid for her health. And, of course, she ended up knowing someone or some poeple in the class (it's a SMALL town) and of course they "remembered me." My mother always thinks that we are somehow glamorously remembered by others, that we should have been the shining stars of their existence.

At any rate, have any of your Ns become hermits? Do you think it is out of fear? I think Ns fear almost everything new.

[axa]

GS

XN had little or no interaction with others when I met him.  He has some friends from university but these are people he may see once a year if that.  He would often work from home so that he did not see any colleagues, he was always causing trouble at work.  He often called himself a sociopath (WAS I DEAF ALSO).  He build a big fancy house down a long lane so that there are no near neighbours.  He did not want any neighbours etc calling to the house..  He did not like people.  He did not like my friends.  He did not like my family.  He was extremely isolated.  Often he said that the only real friend he had was me.  This I believe was true.

When we lived abroad he became more sociable, this was due to the fact that the people we mixed with were often in the city for a very short time or he could gain something from them.  he used to say that he felt different abroad.  I think that he was getting a lot of supply there and this boosted his ego.  There were occasions when we would socialise and he would be so inappropriate it was embarrassing.  He had no concept of adult mature behaviour.

The only people he wanted around him were his "family" and me.  Read supply, supply, supply........ I think he became with others he became aware of how different he was and also he could not get the point of spending time with people unless he was going to gain something from the transaction.

About studying for 12 hours a day.  I also found xN had little sense of balance.  Sometimes he would work and work and work and then he would do absolutly nothing for days on end.  Could not cope, I think, with routine and normality.

axa

[Leah]

CB has written about my exNh !!

Except he won't go and move away, instead he chooses to remain a constant 'thorn in my side'

[liberty]

Hi GS,

My Nmom is very hermit like and she says that the only person that she feels that she can confide in is me. When she goes out, she sits in the most remote area of the room and sulks and carries with her an aura of depression. If I attempt to interact happily with other persons then she becomes even more sour.

The only thing that would cheer her up is if someone goes out of their way to talk to her about things that she can show off about. Once the topic is not one where she is able to shine then she shows dis-interest and may even change the topic abruptly depending on who it is.

When I carry her out socially, she is alwasy anxious to leave the event and go back home. I have heard this complaint from other persons in the family as well.

Once I had a birthday party at my home and she sat in a corner of the living room by herself when everyone else was outside. When it was time to cut the cake she refused to come out saying that she did not know anyone there (which was not true)

In the middle of the event she came up to me when I was having a conversation with a friend and said " When is this thing finsihing. I am ready to go!"  I told her that I could not leave the party when I am the hostesss and then she sat down and began to yawn loudly.

So I can relate to the hermit like unsociable aspects of Nism.

Liberty

[pennyplant]

I have had some ideas rolling around in my head about the bottom-line differences between N's and co-N's.  I can't even articulate yet what my question is, but there's a big one in there somewhere.  I just keep running across a lot of similarities between us and them.  A lot of us withdraw and so do they.  If we asked them if they withdraw because they are unhappy or they don't trust people, they would say yes.  And so would we.

I have seen other similarities like that.  It makes me wonder if some of what we see as N characteristics really are.  I don't know.  I think I'm onto something, but I don't know what.

Yes, CB, as I'm reading these descriptions of N behavior, I also see myself in there.  And yet, I am very different at heart from the Ns I know.  Maybe we share surface coping mechanisms because there's just not a lot of different ways to express unhappiness in this world.  These descriptions really, really remind me of my stepfather.  Maybe that is why my mother has gotten worse over the years.  Too much bad influence day in and day out.  It is very claustrophobic living in the N-world.

Maybe we have the same fears as Ns.  I mean they have been seriously hurt in childhood in ways that we have also been hurt.  Somehow they chose to put away their hearts and we maybe didn't do that to the same extent. 

Maybe Ns withdraw at home because it take so much out of them to be the star in public life.  They have to recharge.  I know I would need a break if I had to be the center of attention twelve hours a day.  Fooling people all the time besides.  It must take a lot of energy maintaining that facade.

We withdraw because we have discovered we just can't win.  No matter what we do.  Same behavior, different motivation.

There's a lot there to consider, CB.  I try to forgive myself for having some of the same "flaws" as the Ns.  I really don't like judging anybody when it comes right down to it.  I want to let that part of me go.

[axa]

CB

Yep, I too have thought about similarities between XN and I.  I can say about mysel when I feel wounded I withdraw but it is because of some perceived hurt, when XN withdrew it was because he could not be bothered engaging because the company/me etc was too boring.

I like attention and am quite extrovert but I do not need to be the centre of attention all the time.  There is room in my life for other people and their stories.  Xn got his attention in a group by withdrawing, sitting in a corner, saying nothing but eminating the strongest vibes so that people felt uncomfortable.

Xn considered himself ultra smart.  I see myself as smart but I have lots to learn.......... there is the difference.  I do not have to be the expert on anything.

I have opinions but I am open to hearing others which I may or may not agree with.  I am open to changing my mind, integrating anothers proposals and being wrong.  XN was rigid about his opinions unless it was in his interest to change them so that he could get supply from what he perceived as someone useful.

My point CB is that we are all hurt but its what you do with that hurt.  Sure some of our behaviours are similiar but there is such a thing as degrees.  And the bottom line is that if I hurt you, I feel regret, I apologise, I take into account that a specific behaviour hurts you and I try not to do it again.  If XN hurts someone..............SO WHAT.  Fundamental difference methinks.


I also want to say that we all have character styles mine would be narcissistic/oral.............. but I do not have a personality disorder.  I do believe that we all have narcissistic traits but it is a continium ............ i keep going back to the lack of empathy being the difference.

Feel like I have not made this very clear but come back to it again.

axa