Well, the topic came up anyway this morning.
He actually brought up "where was our relationship".
I told him clearly that I still felt the same - that we should regard his long trip as a trial separation, and when he returns, if my feelings have not changed we should take steps to end the marriage. I avoided any blame of him, and just said that perhaps we are incompatible, and that I am not strong enough to deal with his personality. I don't think it would help much for me to confront him with the fact that our therapists think he is an N or NPD.
His response - well it looks like you have already decided, that he loves me but will not "beg". He has said lots of things recently to me about how finding his own personal path is his top priority, and the relationship is secondary (and also seemed not to care if it was with me or someone new, since he expects to be such a better person in the end). This morning he changed his tune slightly - saying all the self-focused work on "him" has really been a sign of how dedicated he is to our relationship he is. Again telling me that he is working so hard on personal growth but sees no effort from me. Why don't I quit my job, wear more sexy dresses, etc. Everytime I try to tell him how I feel in our conversation, he says that I am making it "all about me" and my insistance on being hurt.
Then he holds my hand and tells me how important I am to him. I always feel so confused after these conversations. I hear what he says, but when I look at his actions -no effort to "win me back" after his affair, taking strange women out to lunch, planning an extended trip (the plans took shape right on the heels of his affair), and even though he claims to now respect my career and identity, somehow it always comes up as a sore point in our discussions.
And I also hear what he didn't say - I'm sorry, I am committed to you, I won't stray again, I don't want our marriage to end.
Well, the bright side is that I feel I did my moral duty by making my position clear. Now I just have to get through the next few days.