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Help - Attention Campaign

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Rojo:
Hi, All

Need some advise, folks.  Since deciding to terminate all contact with my mother after she maligned me to my husband (see "long range snyper shots"), her campaign for attention has begun in earnest.  To quote an exerpt of her latest email,

"Once again, I hope all is OK your end, when I don't hear from you, I start to worry which is part of my nature and all Moms worry anyway so a quick " I am OK " is all I need to know that you are both well even though you must be very busy."  The rest was general chit-chat.

I have not discussed my decision with her to terminate the relationship , since I don't believe it'll make a hill of beans worth of difference other than to aggravate me.  Nothing I say can ever get through to her.  My question is, do I bother to state my case anyway, knowing what I know or continue to ignore her?  I guess I'm having a few doubts about the way I'm handling this in terms of going about things the "right" way when dealing with an N.  I've never been a person who cuts family off like this and it feels very unnatural in concept.  However, every time I hear from the woman, I get fed up and I just don't want to talk her.

Thanks so much for your help.

Rojo

rosencrantz:
You are right, of course Rojo.  It isn't worth explaining - although we get so angry with them we want them to know exactly what we feel and just what they've done.  In fact, part of my reluctance to be in touch with my mother right now is that I'm afraid that I'll go past the boundary of simply keeping her at bay and just 'standing strong', getting things the right way round - I might tell her what I REALLY think of her!!!!!!!

There have been a few times in the past when she's pushed me so far that I've come out with some minor truth that would have been better not said.  But of course she thrives on that.  "See, proved what a nasty person you are.  Now I can have a real paddy."   Groan!!

On the other hand, the best way to keep her off my back is to send something that has no meaning for me.  A card once a month that just says 'Thinking of you' (that might be a British thing!) - you could send an email that says literally, just letting you know that all is well here, perhaps a photograph every now and then.  It might invite more back from her but if you've decided what you've going to do and how often, you can ignore it until you're ready to send your next card (or whatever).

Just 'do what she asks' - she might be implying more but at least you can turn round and say 'this is what you asked me to do'!!!!!  Just don't invest any emotion in it - it's a job to do, like washing up!!!!!

I'm starting to realise (I think) that this is what's meant by boundaries.  
Probably, not being in touch completely is more a statement of an emotion (mine has always been fear!)  than 'dealing with it' and just stores up more trouble and hands over more ammunition.

What do you think???

R

Rojo:
Hi, Rosencrantz

Thank you so much!  I was beginning to suspect that if I kept up the complete silence, it'll backfire worse than stating my reasons for terminating the relationship.  How you handle your mother seems a very reasonable, and safe for me way to handle my situation, too.  I had a cackle over the washing the dishes reference - that really helped me to visualize what it is I need to do here.  :lol:

You know, I completely understand you when you said your mother pushes you to a point where you come out with some truth, then wish it hadn't been said.  Mine has done the same thing multiple times.  The last time that really stung was shortly after my dad was killed. She just showed up on my doorstep from overseas and remorselessly pushed and pushed, belittled, critisized, picked old scabs, all while I was just ripped apart with grief and of course, I took the bait.  Then, as usual, she turns around and tells my family...oh, I don't know what's the matter with her, she just blows up at me.   :evil:   So, when you say your mom's motivation is to prove what a nasty person you are, boy oh boy do I understand that.

Thanks again, Rosencrantz - you and everyone else on this board are such a solace and support for me.  I have tremendous difficulty in cultivating friendships in person, which is something I think many ACONS have problems with.  I meet good people all the time but I'm always terrified of being too reciprocative.  Consequently, I have few outlets to give and receive as real friends do.  Here, with you folks, I can open up without the overwhelming fear factor.  This helps me so much, not just in terms of receiving needed advise but also in that the simple act of having normal and safe exchanges is helping me to relearn trusting others - in person, too.  A prayer is certainly being answered.

God bless,

Rojo

Anonymous:
Rojo,

A few choices that crossed my mind:

--Tell her you'd prefer not to hear from her anymore. No further explanation is needed. If she demands one, ignore her demand. And ignore/delete any further communiques from her.

--Send her a mindless greeting once in a while that leads her to believe everything is okay.

--Do nothing, ignore all of her emails, just delete them. You don't even have to read them.

bunny

pandora:
HI,

I can certainly see the need to express your feelings and you should not keep them repressed!

But some of the stuff I am reading about dealing with Ns seems to advise that you should be careful when expressing yourself or confronting them, since it is so easy for them to turn what you say against you, or feel attacked and thus attack you and provoke your loss of control, that in the end you may be doing yourself more damage.  

So you may want to pick your battles with the N in your life, and choose a person you trust and who will be supportive, to express your feelings to.   Finding appropriate support from non-Ns in your life, who can give you empathy and understanding, seems to be a big part of learning to deal with them from what I am learning.  

Anyway, my two cents.  I am sorry that your mom is so difficult to deal with.  You are completely justified in doing what it takes to protect yourself.

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