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I'm not sure I want to dance with you anymore

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Anonymous:
wildflower,

I think it's great that you got through to your mother. However, my feeling is that your mom will revert back to her old behaviors because it's impossible for someone to improve that dramatically and stay that way. It's wonderful to get this therapist involved and anyone else who can help with the burden of this disturbed woman. I don't understand why your relative thinks she's acting like your grandmother, maybe you can elucidate that one.

bunny

Wildflower:
I think you're right, bunny.  I think she will return to her old ways, and I'll be asked again, probably in the very near future, to come to her aid again.  And that's why it's imperative for me to find healthier ways of dealing with this.  I almost had a panic attack this morning (I've only had one before, but I'm pretty sure that's what was happening), and my chest has been tight for three days straight.

Regarding my relative's reaction, my mom's been demonstrating a kind of alarming reluctance to face reality while she reaches out to everyone around her for help.  Her messages are extremely confusing because she'll break your heart while asking for help and then get mad if you cross certain lines that are hard to identify.  The sad truth is, my grandmother provided my mother with a 'safety net', which entailed bailing her out financially whenever mom couldn't make ends meet - which was often.   This safety net came with a heavy price, though, which was my grandmother's continuing power over her.

When my mom finally cut ties with my grandmother, apparently her best friend (they dated for a while when I was 13 but later became friends) became her safety net, though I didn't realize it at the time.  He gave her thousands of dollars in financial support over the years until he finally had enough about a year ago because he felt so taken advantage of.

So we've all been struggling to try to figure out how to help her without enabling her to continue running from reality.  Where do you draw the line?  Do you pay for the utilities?  Food?  Medicine?  (Food and medicine are the current consensus, by the way).

So in this context, I think my relative was deeply shocked by my mother's request for help - which came across as a list of demands (do this for me or I'll be miserable).  I think he's been reeling for a couple of days seeing my mom do exactly what my Grandmother used to do - ironically, as my mother points out after I told her how her email felt:


--- Quote ---Grandmom used to do the same thing to me, and it really pissed me off.  She would have a fit, get suicidal, disappear, and then show up with a new hairdo and wardrobe and look like a million dollars.  La-di-da.  I felt like a fool.  I felt taken advantage of.  I can see how you might feel the very same way, and I apologize.  I'll try not to do it again.
--- End quote ---


It's very confusing at times, because I don't know what she really understands and what she's saying because she knows it on some level, but doesn't quite 'get it'.  But we all have that to some extent, I guess.  Part of trying ideas on and figuring stuff out.

Wildflower

P.S. - I'm sorry these postings are so long.  I keep thinking I'll be able to explain it in a paragraph or two, but I can't.

Wildflower:
P.P.S. - I am currently in therapy, and I'm just trying to hold out until my next session - so don't worry that this is my only resource.  It is helpful, though, to hear different perspectives from people who've been through similar issues instead of just working one-on-one with my therapist.

Wildflower:
Hi.  Me again.

You know, it took writing my thoughts down, sharing them with others, and then re-reading them to realize that, um, I'm really, really not doing well.  Duh.  So I've set up a phone appointment with my therapist, and the rest of today is restricted to nothing but - well - rest.

Thanks for being there.

Wildflower

rosencrantz:
Hi Wildflower - For what it's worth, I think you're doing fine!  Confusion is OK!  It just means you've got things to work out.

BTW I didn't say you ARE codependent  :shock: I suggested that you were already headed in the direction of considering such issues   :wink:
R

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