The Truth Is...

[gratitude28]

I don't know what is wrong with me (it must be one of these stages of recovery and I hope it passes soon), but lately, I really really want to hurt my mother. I want to find a way to say something that will make her hurt the way she has hurt me.

The truth is, were I ever to be able to do this, I would feel bad immediately. But I am so angry now and so tired of her stupid games and the fact that it has to be plain to everyone that she only pretends to give a shit about me and my children.

I just want to set her off. I want her to get mad and admit she has always hated me. Then I could be happily divorced from the whole situation.

I hate all of this. I hate being back in a place where it is bothering me.

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Beth))))))))))

Could this be the longing to 'get through' to her, in another guise? To get her to 'fess up'?

Closure... that is one of the worst aspects, the way they always deny us closure. Lie, and evade, and twist and turn. Try to remember that she is hiding more from herself than from anyone else, for what it's worth, it may help a little.

I'm sorry, and I do really know what this feels like, I felt the same way about mine.

[gratitude28]

AHA,
I just got on your blog... lots of good stuff there. Thanks for posting the link...
Love, Beth

[pennyplant]

Hey, Beth.  I bet if you succeeded in setting her off, she'd try to take you down with her.  I think vindictiveness is often a characteristic of N.  Then you would feel even more anger on top of the guilt.

I found out how my parents felt about me during the same, but separate, conversation with each of them.  We were talking about how difficult it had been in our family because of my sister's behavior all those years and I said but aren't you glad you at least had me.  And each of them said no, if they had it to do over again, they wouldn't have had kids at all, not even me.  I was in my 30s when I asked that question and just assumed I had been "good" enough, and not a burden at all, for so long that they would have thought the bad years were all water under the bridge and all would be forgiven.  I figured they would think it was worth it once the "results", my life and family, turned out to be so great.

I actually didn't expect that answer even though I had suspected it all during my childhood.  I do believe my father came to change his mind about that in the end when he became very attached to me during his final illness.  Sort of a bonding in reverse.  Bonding that should have occurred when I was an infant.  Of course, I'll never know that for sure.  But it comforts me and lets me put half of it to rest.

Anyway, while I wouldn't recommend setting yourself up to be that badly hurt, it was a way that I got into the truth without having to really "do" anything.

(((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))))))

Love, Pennyplant

[Leah]

((((((((((((((((((( Beth )))))))))))))))))))


Having been there, with those feelings, I genuinely do empathize with you ........ if it is any help at all, this feeling does pass ....

When you can ' let go ' ......... easier said than done .................. that much I really do know.

Don't let her have the upper hand by holding you captive.


(((( Leah ))))

[Stormchild]

Oh for crying out loud ((((((((((Pennyplant))))))))))

what a kick in the gut! (((((((((())))))))))

[Stormchild]

Beth - thanks - glad you found, glad you like.

Most of what's there has been here first, Dr. G was fine with that, I remove any references to people and events here. Some is new, though. Putting my URL here motivates me to keep the site active...

[Leah]

Posted by: Stormchild 
Insert Quote
Beth - thanks - glad you found, glad you like.   

Most of what's there has been here first, Dr. G was fine with that, I remove any references to people and events here. Some is new, though. Putting my URL here motivates me to keep the site active...


Stormchild,

You mean to say that you copy all our postings onto your web BLOG site ........ WHY ????

Leah

 

[Stormchild]

No, Leah, I would never do anything like that.

That would be a major invasion of privacy and a major boundary invasion. It'd also be silly as anything, because all of those posts are already available in cyberspace right here.

I have copied some of my own postings onto my blog, after carefully removing any information that would point to people or issues here other than myself and my own. I also have a few posts there that I haven't put up here, including some of my favorite poetry.

I started my blog after people here were complaining about long, informational posts on this site, a while back.

I was posting long, informational posts to share information that I had found helpful, information that was hard to find elsewhere.

I figured if people here didn't want that information, other people in cyberspace surely would. And putting my thoughts onto a blog, by themselves, gives them a clarity and an accessibility that sometimes gets lost if the thread topic changes two posts down.

Go take a look, and see for yourself.

[Leah]

Hi Stormchild,

Love your blog 

"Watch What they Do, Not What They Say"  you never told me that you were writing an article about my mother!!!

Gale Warnings - A random walk through a random world ..... superb title.

Wishing you every blogged success!

(((Leah)))

[isittoolate]

hi Beth,

When I was , say, 33-47, I did my parents'  Income Tax Returns. Doing them was the only way i could spend time with them, as it was 'business'.

One time as I sat at the table with them, there was a 'break'. I suddenly asked, 'Did you two ever love me?" (I have no idea where that came from)  Dad got up and walked out of the room and Mom just sat there and said nothing.  What to do? Get back to the taxes.

In 1986, I was 47 and Dad was in the hospital dying from prostate cancer. I drove to the hospital to have him sign the returns, which he did very shakily and then I left. nothing else transpired between us.

I felt very hardened after all this from childhood onward.

Just an Note: After 3 months in the hospital, Dad was at home and Mom nursed him. I went to visit him once, happened to be the day before he died (as well another sister had to travel hundreds of miles to see him. She arrived that night.) We were the last two to come and I thiink that is what he was waiting for, as he was nothing but a skeleton with skin, and Mom sat outside his bedroom door (To me it felt like she was guarding/protecing/ him.) He couldn't speak and I have no idea what I said to him, but it was nothing cruel.


Izzy

EDIT: Just for the hell of it, it was one of those whatevers, that have hair, teeth and bone in it. Like I ate my twin Ha Ha! Stephen King's Dark Side.

[Stormchild]

Hi Stormchild,

Love your blog 

"Watch What they Do, Not What They Say"  you never told me that you were writing an article about my mother!!!

Gale Warnings - A random walk through a random world ..... superb title.

Wishing you every blogged success!

(((Leah)))

Thanks, Leah! ((()))

[GAP]

Hey Beth,

When I read your blog it reminded me of coversations my brother and I have had recently.  I've been 'facing reality" alot longer then he has do to my difficult marriage to an N.  Now that he has realized all the shit he has put up with he wants to do what you wnat to do and hurt our parents back.  What I do is talk him through the various revenges, each ending up in a disaster, I think he gets it now, there is nothing he can do to make them understand how he feels and any attempt to let them know or get revenge will end up making him feel worse.

Keep working on getting healthy, it can become bearable.

GAP

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((Penny and Izzy))))))))))))))

I can imagine it must have stung so terribly to hear that from your parents. I am sorry for your pain.

Gap, Leah, Storm, Jac,

Thanks for the encouragement. I am not sure what got into me. Honestly, I think the thread about parties set me off... I got to thinking about my whole life and how I was treated so vastly different from my sister and remembered even more hurtful snippets.

Thank you everyone.

Love, Beth